Okay so here’s the hard part about spending and living within my means. I don’t have any means. Ok I have an income and feel fortunate about that but I have already stretched myself to the financial max and for those of you who may have been in my situation, or are currently there, you may be able to understand where I am coming from. The bad thing about Debt, besides the obvious, is that once you have it it’s a merry go-round ride while trying to get back off. Here is how a typical month goes for me…
1. Get paid
2. Pay credit card and other bills. Realize that all the money from the paycheck just went to the bills and it’s t-minus 1 day after payday
3. Use credit cards to pay for remaining expenses until next paycheck
4. Repeat
What I find so ironic is that I am actually very anal retentive about paying my bills. I have an Excel spreadsheet; I know exactly which bills needs to be paid on which payday. I know how much money I will have, and how much each creditor gets. I’m very organized, nothing slips through the cracks. What it boils down to is there just simply is more money going out than coming in. And that is unpleasant. And scary. And stressful. I can’t believe I let it get to this.

I need to find a way to break the chain…get off the merry go-round once and for all. But each and every day I am faced with another challenge. Something else to buy… something I need for the house, or me, or the car. Or it’s someone’s birthday or wedding or baby shower. There is, in other words, always something. So I get stuck again, having budgeted all my money already and paid all my bills there is nothing left for other expenses. So I bust out the plastic, make my purchases, and get back on the damn ride.

Not only am I challenged with the desired purchase of a Wii monkey on my back but I desperately want to make some updates to my home and that gets so expensive. Being inflicted with immediate gratification syndrome I want it all now. Now or yesterday even. So I want to run out and buy buy buy. But I cannot. Well I could… but that would not serve my goal of defeating debt. It seems like obtaining the coveted items would bring me pleasure and satisfaction and I have learned in my experience, it will. I have also learned, however, that those feelings are fleeting and I end up in despair and frustration when faced with the bill for those expenditures. Since I consider myself a reasonably intelligent person I think I should take the time to learn from this nugget of knowledge.

I have spent a lot of time devoted to the concept of debt destruction. I’ve succeeded in knowing a lot of strategies and tips but have failed in the execution. I read Suze Orman books. I have spreadsheets and plans. So why can’t I just get it done?

I’ve read the strategy of allocating an amount of money for debt each month; the most you can afford then pay them off in order of highest interest rate. Then when the first card is paid off take that money and apply it to the next one… and so on until you are out of debt. It sounds soooo simple right? I can do that. I’ve got a spreadsheet.

There’s another piece of advice though that I seem to miss that says you should stop using credit. Oh right. Gotcha. Stop using them. Just like that… completely stop a habitual action. I’ll just STOP. Why didn’t I think of that????

I want to close them all down. I cannot think of a better way to slow my roll but by removing access to them. I read this will hurt my credit score but I’m wondering if I care about that more than I care about the actual amount of debt I have and continue to have. I’m not sure yet so I took the first step and sent all the cards to the shredder. It was scary and cathartic at the same time. But it was a first step. Logically I know that the account is technically active and available to me but I can’t just grab and go hit the stores or order online anymore…thus slowing me down.

I can now imagine a future without debt; without worrying about paying the bills or getting approved for another line of credit. I can feel the freedom of knowing I can make a purchase that I can afford and not look at it month after month on a statement accruing interest. It’s freedom from being at the mercy of a bank or a creditor, a job loss, or an illness. It’s the freedom of knowing that my future is mine… I can plan trips and purchases. I can look forward to the day we retire in Italy. And I will be financing these dreams with cold hard cash baby.