While they have both dealt with turbulent times, Christina* and her husband find inspiration in their faith and encourage others to stay hopeful in their marriages.

Please tell us a little about your journey…

My Husband and I have been married for 30 years and have been through many dark times. The worst lasted almost two years with a severe mania and he lost his job. We were in debt and things were very difficult. I worked three jobs while raising our son who at the time was 13 years old. We have kept our family in tact through God’s grace and good medical care. Now we’re hoping I’ll be able to retire in the next two years. Life is good now. It is just the two of us, as our son, who’s 27 is on his own. My story seems to have a happily ever after ending, yet I know bipolar is powerful and ever present. But I would like to give people hope.

Did you know your husband had a mood disorder when you met him?

We dated for three years before we got married and I did not know he had bipolar. Our son was three years old when my husband had a manic episode. Thankfully, his company employee assist program insisted he meet with an appointed psychologist for evaluation.

Tell us about your husband.

When my husband is Stable, he is the man I fell in love with many years ago—has a beautiful, gentle spirit. There have been turbulent times related to his diagnosis, but never violence in our home. We hold close to our faith and hope our lives inspire others to stay the course and stay hopeful.

My husband had a wonderful career for almost 30 years as an Emmy-award winning news videographer for a major network affiliate. It was terrible when his mania manifested and was triggered by a tragic news story he was covering.

How do you support your husband as he deals with bipolar?

I have been the sole provider for our family for 16 years now; our son is independent and that is a blessing. Because my husband had lost his job and I was working part time jobs we had no health care for almost two years. It took me many years to pay off almost $65,000 in medical debt but I did it and I am proud that many years later we are debt free.

When my husband is stable he often doesn’t remember some of the things he has done during a manic episode. The worst is that he spends money and has also canceled some of our long-term investments to spend them and I had to pay the withdrawal penalties.

How has this journey affected you personally?

This has affected me personally very deeply. I don’t have any close girlfriends. We don’t do anything with other couples and we have had to cancel many plans due to his mood swings. We also aren’t as financially able to go out to dinner or movies like our contemporaries. As my husband hasn’t been employed for so long, he has very few social interactions, limited to only neighbors or contacts from his bipolar support group. I have kept voracious notes and journals during his manias and even now when I look back on them and read them I can’t believe I was that person going through that terrible trial.

What did you look to during your most challenging caregiving times?

I focused on one word: Courage. I kept that written word posted where I could see it everywhere. As my husband was pulling up out of a difficult depression, he left me a note that said: “Never think that the best days of our lives have passed … stay hopeful.” His bipolar was the source of my greatest pain but when he was stable, he was my greatest comfort.

What helps your husband stay stable?

For starters, good nutrition and regular exercise. As I am the one out working, my husband helps at home; I have a list every day I leave with simple things like laundry and running the vacuum cleaner, walking the dog, etc. Routine is so critical so every morning before I leave for work, I make sure he is up, showered and has eaten and taken his meds. That way I know that he has a good start to his day. Also, because I work long days and go to bed at 8:30 every evening, we’re on the same page with out sleeping schedule. However, we must do that on the weekends also so it does cramp our style for going out or being with other couples.

Most important lesson learned?

It took a lot of therapy for my son and I to understand bipolar and even now my son and I both read everything we can. I have learned through my faith and through educating myself that I am in charge of my own life and that I need to stay informed and stay engaged with the outside world. For the past few years, I’ve been very open with coworkers and new friends about his diagnosis. It is something people need to discuss more openly and more freely and not feel judged.

What message/advice would you like to share with others?

It is important when your loved one is stable that you discuss the pain and the hurt, and set boundaries, but you also are clear to them that you understand how to separate the diagnosis from the person because no one can live with the heartache that they bring upon others when they are manic and they have spent the retirement money and their child’s college fund.

In addition, keep a current listing of medications (with dosages) with you always. The caregiver should also be an equal participant in psychiatric and other medical professional appointments and ensure all are kept current on your loved one’s episodes and medications.

Christina* (not her real name) shares her busy life with her husband and their “precocious” border collie mix in the Southeastern United States. Together they enjoy beach vacations, puttering around the house and yard, and meeting up with their son for brunch and laughs. Christina says she and her husband savor time together and treasure the “stable” days.

The post After 30-Year Marriage, This Wife Keeps Her Focus on Courage appeared first on bpHope.