Physical Affection and contact is something that everyone needs. It creates a type of closeness and connection that goes beyond what words can do. Occasionally in my practice, I will have a client who was raised in a family where there was no affection expressed at all. Both between husband and wife and from parent to child. This is always so sad to me because I know how essential touch and affection are in conveying closeness, comfort, safety, love and so many other feelings. Because this is so important, I have integrated into my "parenting toolbox" a technique that I learned from my dad years ago that my kids and I call "Holding Time." This technique consists of at least 10 minutes each week where you just hold/hug your kids and nobody talks. It is amazing to me the things that you can feel take place in that 10 minutes. I also found after implementing this that it is not only powerful for my kids but for me.

Most of the time it is just a great little (okay, long) hug with my kids that lets them know they are loved, but sometimes there are the times when you can feel more happening.

I remember one specific situation in which my daughter was having a bit of a rough morning. This carried over into our drive and on our way to school she was whiny and unhappy in the car. I could feel myself starting to get frustrated. We dropped off her brother and still had about 15 minutes before her school started. As we were getting ready to get out of the car and I could hear her still back there having a hard time, and feel myself getting more and more frustrated, I decided to pull an impromptu "Holding Time". I asked her to come up to the front seat of the car with me. When she did, I scooped her up and just held her and said, "It sounds like you're having a frustrating morning. Why don't we take a little break together and do some holding time, okay?" She said okay and without another word, we sat there in the front seat of my SUV, in the school parking lot and I held her close.

In the quietness between us, I felt her little body completely relax, her breathing slow down and her demeanor change. I also felt myself calming and letting go of my previous frustrations. In that moment, it was just her and I and an unspoken communication happening that was creating change. After about 8 minutes I softly said, "I think that is just what we both needed. Think you're ready to head to school now?" To which she replied, "I think so mom. Thanks. I feel a lot better." "Me too", I told her. Its pretty incredible what just 8 minutes of connectedness can do.

It isn't always possible to stop for "Holding Time" when frustrating things are happening. But, sometimes...it is. Either way, setting aside time each week, impromptu or not, to hold our kids and communicate together on this level can go such a long way.

I am grateful to my dad who taught me this and the closeness that it helps to create, even with my 14 yr old son. :0) It really is amazing. Just a few minutes of dedicated affection can go such a long way and can be so instrumental in changing the way we experience our lives. We may not even be aware of the entire range of positive effects. However, when my children grow up and someone asks them how they knew they were loved and cared for, I hope that this will be another way in which I was able to communicate that to them. I highly recommend scheduling it into your week.