I have been thinking whether or not to do this blog post because I know that I’ll be opening a can of worms that I have worked so hard to close. I will be telling you guys things that I’m still insecure about and I’m not sure I’m ready what happens after I post this.

Early to mid last year, I was finally getting myself back together and I was finally excited to blog again. I might not be posting regularly but the updtes were there. I was still even doing YouTube on the side. I was pretty content at where my blog was going. Then last August 4, 2017, one of my worst nightmare happened. I had a grand-mal seizure. My doctor called it ‘Status‘.

Yes, I have a Seizure Disorder along with my (Ocular) Myesthenia Gravis. FInally said that out loud. Most of my friends don’t know this. (not unless you’re one of my classmates when I was in 3rd year HS when I had my first attack OR when I had seizure when I was working at a call center) Only my family, close friends and my VG know this and I refuse to tell it because I perceive it as weakness in my part.

Don’t get me wrong. I know it’s not the worst thing in the world, and I know that there are much bigger medical cases out there. I am not looking for sympathy either. It’s just that when you grow up to be “sakitin“, and heavily guarded, deprived of independence because of your sickness when you’re younger, you get to thank the heavens when you get that sense of ‘normalcy’ as you grow older. You get to go places & events alone without chaperones.

So, last August 4, ’17, I was almost 2 year seizure-free when I had what my doctor referred to as ‘Status’. Status because during the first attack, I was unconscious and shaking for 6 minutes (which was already too long), then before I regained consciousness, I got another seizure that Lasted for 4 minutes. I woke up after sleeping for a couple of hours, then after that, I had another attack which lasted for 2 minutes.

It was one of the worst seizure attacks I’ve had in my entire life. Right after that, my tongue was bleeding, my head was bursting with migraine (typical) but what really scared me was that I could’t speak well. I was stuttering. My head hurts whenever I think. I can barely hold a conversation and I immediately lose my train of thought. I get exhausted whenever I talk. I can’t physically sit for a long period of time. This lasted for at least 2 months.

I had deadlines in my blog, there were reviews that I was supposed to post and videos I was supposed to edit. But I can barely stay in front of my laptop. I was only online whenever I had to work after that I go straight to sleep. It still hurts to think.

I felt so devastated and so betrayed because for almost two years, I was okay. There were no signs, no auras, no warnings. Usually when I’m about to have a seizure, there’s a warning. That day, I didn’t feel anything. I just logged out of work, tidying up my desk and then it happened. My mama said I was still able to call her through my phone but everything’s fuzzy. That seizure was so painful, yet really quick for me.

Right after that, I just felt dry. I felt physically, emotionally, spiritually exhausted and drained. It felt like someone poured a bucket of ice-cold water on my head and the fire, the passion was gone. The insecurities that I have tripled, and I feel like I cant do anything again.

After feeling all of that, I went to my leader/friend and I told her that everything that I tried so hard to build, both personally and faith-wise, I felt like everything were sucked right out of me and there’s nothing left. I was so scared ’cause I don’t like that feeling. That time, I was so tempted to not attend church and not participate in my VG anymore. She prayed for me right away.

Prayer is really powerful because here I am, by God’s grace, still devoted to God’s word. I can’t say that I haven’t faltered. God knows (and even my leader) I have. But whenever you feel weak, just pray because prayer weakens the enemy.

Anyhoo, fast forward to January. I was getting ready to go back to blogging/vlogging. Ready to feature more topics other than beauty-related. Unfortunately, we hit another snag. This time, I can’t really tell you what it is because it’s too personal and it’s not only mine to tell. So I ended up just focusing on work & church-related activities.

We’re still wondering why I had that attack. My doctor can’t find anything at my EEG and it’s not that I wasn’t taking my meds. Whatever the reason was, looking back, I just now see it as a form of another milestone in my life. Wait! Hear me out.

I see it as a milestone because being a baby Christian, you’re always on fire. The manifestations were there, and you’re always like ‘Praise Jesus! Hallelujah!” But like I said, when I had that attack, everything was gone. I felt like I had to work my way up. No shortcuts. I felt like my faith was tested. I felt like God allowed for that to happen to see if I was going to come back to Him. And here I am.

I guess my main point is that, when you encounter difficulties, or when all of a sudden you feel disconnected or “dry“, don’t run away. Run towards Him. Find someone to help you regain that connection because after all that, you’ll be so much more closer to Him that you’ll ever imagine. Don’t isolate yourself. Don’t let the enemy manipulate your thoughts. Pray and meditate on God’s word even though it’s difficult. Ask for help.

It’s now a year since my last major attack. No more grand-mal seizures. Just migraines, auras and sudden face twitches. I’m still having difficulties concentrating but I think it’s more because of stress and lack of sleep rather than what happened last year.

I’m sorry if this post is so random/out of order. I guess, I just wanna say I’m really sorry to all of you. I just wanna let you know why I stopped. I promised to tell you why so here it is. I didn’t tell you this to be pitied but I just want to make things clear.

To all of my avid readers who still follow and respond to me on Twitter/IG. Thank you so much for the support. I will try to blog as much as I can. I just need to manage my time more (lol). To all the brands/PRs who supported me, I am so sorry and thank you. I have no other words.

I can’t promise you a regular schedule because I’m still pretty busy with other stuff. But I promise to keep you updated from time to time. Also, I wont be able to film videos anymore (at least at home). It’s just not ideal given my current situation (which I can’t tell, sorry loves).

Like I said, thanks for the neverending support and I am so, very sorry for just disappearing. I know I have been doing that quite often. But at that time, I felt like I didn’t have a choice. Also, if you’re still reading this, thanks love! You’re a keeper! :*