Credit: Adam Hayes/New York Times

“You can be anything you want to be if you’re prepared to work hard enough,” Cameron Sage was told when he was a child. It was both “empowering” and shame-inducing, he writes on Quillette. He was doing badly in Grade school. It meant “my failure was my fault.”

He felt relieved when he was diagnosed with moderate dyslexia, severe Attention Deficit Disorder and “motor sequencing disorder.” His struggles were not the result of “moral weakness.”

The psychologist had assessed his intelligence as being in the “superior to very superior” range.

My so-called “superior” eight-year-old brain came up with an answer that proved as productive as it was satisfying; my aptitudes were starkly asymmetrical (or, in the words of a kid in grade school, I was naturally good at some things and naturally bad at others). This answer was satisfying because it gave me permission not to succeed at everything, and it was productive because it motivated me to apply myself where my effort seemed to make a difference.

In 12th grade, he had excellent grade — except in Math. When he earned a 3 percent on a math test, his teacher told him to work harder. “Slogging away for three to five hours or more every day on one math course alone” didn’t help. 

After holding a loaded rifle to his head, Sage rejected suicide. Instead, he dropped math.

With excellent grades in his other subjects, Sage got into a “top-rated university.”

The moral of the story is this: effort is no substitute for aptitude and (I’m sorry if this hurts) we can’t always be whatever we want to be. In the argument between Nature and Nurture, Nature may not have the last word, but it’s got an awfully loud voice. If anyone you love ever reaches the low point that I did, please don’t reflexively “inspire” them by insisting they can overcome any obstacle with enough effort. If I’d heard that one more time I’m sure I’d have pulled the trigger. Instead, help them come to terms with their weaknesses. This is not limiting. It’s emancipating because it will help them start working toward goals they have a meaningful chance of reaching.

Sage had to give up his dream of studying aviation and becoming a pilot. He couldn’t do the math. Instead, he’s worked as a news cameraman and documentary producer and “traveled the world as an English teacher, scuba instructor, and professional photographer.”