The feeling of driving in Moscow is, in many ways, like getting a Tabasco enema while being savagely punched in the face by a Russian man sporting a leather baseball cap.
You know how bad people in the metro can be at just walking right?
Now imagine all that shit, on wheels - made of angry, and you have a pretty good idea at what the average Russian driver is like.
While most of my time in Russia was spent on the bus or in the metro, I am now behind the wheel on the daily. Before I took to the roads I would spend my weekends in the car as my now wife's handsome driving instructor. She actually got her licence about ten years ago, but since she never practiced once.
All those ten years ago she got her licence without even driving in the city. After taking the first part of her test, a 'high-octane' cone obstacle course, her driving instructor had been given booze by one of the other people getting tested. He manage to get drunk enough that he wasn't fit to be let loose on the public, fortunately he didn't poop his pants, that time....
Russia being Russia, she got her licence (to kill) without venturing out in the mayhem that is the city..
I was the crash test dummy
Driving and even being a passenger here is like getting your own cameo in one of those Russian driving youtube videos. Those babies aren't fake.
D'you know why there are so many movies like that on youtube? Why do all Russian drivers have dash cams? Because so bad are Russian drivers and so fucked is Russian insurance law that this is the best way to prove who was really to blame for the accident.
Also, in mother Russia, if you hit someone in your car, you have to compensate them for any harm done, even if they can't prove it was your fault. What does this mean? It means dick heads in pink suites throw themselves at your car to try and get a sweet payout, unless of course you have dashcam, the tool that captures all that video montage hilariousness.
Also, in mother Russia, if you hit someone in your car, you have to compensate them for any harm done, even if they can't prove it was your fault. What does this mean? It means dick heads in pink suites throw themselves at your car to try and get a sweet payout, unless of course you have dashcam, the tool that captures all that video montage hilariousness.
Judging by the pinkness and blueness, he probably had it coming
Some of the things I've had the pleasure to rage over include the following:
Drivers are always in a rush
Maybe this is because the average city driver spends half of his life blasting nerve cells in traffic, but the most common thing I see is people driving like crazy, pulling out manoeuvres that save around three seconds and that create huge possibilities for road chaos.
with hilarious outcomes
with hilarious outcomes
Stopped at a red light? Just watch how speedy Mc.Mullet behind you pulls out fight in front so he can be first away from the white line, even though he's already over it. fuck the oncoming traffic, he's burning rubber first.
I have been overtaken in car parks, that right, in a car park. I actually get some perverse pleasure watching the guy behind me itching to overtake, any chance to get into that oncoming traffic lane. And by the way, this isn't on the highway, I'm not a slow driver. It's just that certain parts of the road and certain streets, don't warrant 60kpm, sadly, this common sense/safety factor doesn't seem to worry most drivers.
I have been overtaken in car parks, that right, in a car park. I actually get some perverse pleasure watching the guy behind me itching to overtake, any chance to get into that oncoming traffic lane. And by the way, this isn't on the highway, I'm not a slow driver. It's just that certain parts of the road and certain streets, don't warrant 60kpm, sadly, this common sense/safety factor doesn't seem to worry most drivers.
Some time back, while leaving the flat complex via the security barrier (which is the entry and exit point), a driver almost T-boned us because he was coming out of the parking at about 30 mph and headed directly for the exit (so he would have had to have stopped anyway). It's like he was in his own drag race - in the parking lot where kids of old people hang out.
If he had hit us, which he almost did, he would have rammed my legs and I probably would have ended up like 2013 expat version of Ironside
although I'd be far too depressed for any retro crime solving
although I'd be far too depressed for any retro crime solving
Driving fast like a dick, cutting everyone up and endlessly changing lanes wont save you any time if you crash and have to wait for the road pigs to come and twirl their black and white traffic sticks at you.
They love an excuse to get in the oncoming traffic lane
You know how in the metro people pull 100 meter sprints from the escalators in a frenzied dash to get to the train, even though another train will be along in 30 seconds? They do that in cars too. Except while the worst that happens in the metro is that a pensioner ends up sucking down a clothesline or two, on the road they come at you in oncoming traffic in a steel death bullet.
If you drive a Nissan micra, you're totally fucked.
If you drive a Nissan micra, you're totally fucked.
Russian drivers are in the oncoming traffic lane so much, it might as well just be extended into a third lane. Perhaps there's a rule I don't know about somewhere.
It's not hard to imagine how this leads to endless accidents, just head over to youtube and see for yourself.
coming through!
coming through!
When the average driver is not blasting toward you in the oncoming lane, they're putting their horns to work.
They really love that horn
Nothing like cruising along, sitting in traffic or waiting at a red light while having your ears sexually assaulted by honking horns. Sadly, most drivers out there have made the age-old mistake of confusing the horn for a magic go-faster button.
If you don't burn rubber away from the traffic lights at F1 speeds, some guy will be behind you, horning the shit out of you, you know, just because honking is fun, especially when it sets off an angry chain reaction.
If you don't burn rubber away from the traffic lights at F1 speeds, some guy will be behind you, horning the shit out of you, you know, just because honking is fun, especially when it sets off an angry chain reaction.
They don't know / obey the road rules
It seems like Russians specialise in finding ways around rules, rather than following them, and this is true on the road too.
The Russian highway code might as well be a one-page document that says "go with the flow don't forget some bribe money"
Red lights only count when there are other cars about?
The Russian highway code might as well be a one-page document that says "go with the flow don't forget some bribe money"
Red lights only count when there are other cars about?
Another common favourite of mine is this: you have two lanes, one is for left turners, one is to go straight ahead. While you sit there, in the correct lane, waiting to turn left, someone behind you is horning you, probably frustrated because his turbo booster isn't working again.
He's in the wrong lane, he wants to go straight ahead and he's horning you - the guy in the correct lane.
That guy is out there, he's a douche and there's lots of him
Parking
If you are lucky enough to make it to your destination alive, you'll need to park. Luckily for you, in Russia, everywhere is a parking space. If your bonnet fits, you can park there - pavment, pedestrian crossing, babushkas face - you name it, just roll up in that bitch.
Also, feel free to double park and block people in wherever you see fit.
The worst parking (and most of it is bad), happens on the side of the road. Some many cars park on the side of the road that two lanes actually become more like one which causes a whole ton of slow moving traffic, zigzagging, rage-embittered driving - you know, the stuff Moscow's is especially famous for.
The worst parking (and most of it is bad), happens on the side of the road. Some many cars park on the side of the road that two lanes actually become more like one which causes a whole ton of slow moving traffic, zigzagging, rage-embittered driving - you know, the stuff Moscow's is especially famous for.
fantastic
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This post first appeared on An English Perspective On Life In Moscow, Russia, please read the originial post: here
