A lot of people tend to blame the alcohol when they’ve done something strange. But the stories we’re about to tell you will prove that you don’t need to be drunk or high to do some pretty Weird things.

Talk to any cop in the world and they’ll tell you some of the strangest days they’ve ever had on the job. We’re pretty sure, though, that a lot of them have never had days like these.

If you’re in the mood for a solid laugh–or to scratch your head at some of humanity’s finest moments–read on to learn about 13 weird crimes.

1. The Pee Pee Doll

Okay, so this one isn’t technically a crime–but it’s not for lack of trying.

In 2016, a Tennessee woman filed a Police report saying that a doll assaulted her “sexual-style.” According to the woman, she was enjoying a hibachi show when the chef grabbed what she called a “pee-pee” doll,” pulled down his pants, and squirted her.

“It really didn’t have a wiener,” the woman said. “But you got the point.”

In case you’re wondering, police didn’t wind up filing charges.

2. Chimney Ghost

Ever hear someone whisper when you’re the only one home? Well, you might want to start checking your chimney after you hear this story out of Iowa.

A man was sitting alone one morning when he heard a voice whisper for him to “get out.” His wife told him he was nuts–until she heard someone scream for help later that day.

Turns out, it was a naked guy hiding in their chimney.

3. Cow Manure Guy

Here’s a gross one for you.

A guy with a fetish for Cow Manure went to court in the United Kingdom. A family found him naked, save for a single sock, and covered in cow manure on their farm.

The lesson here?

Make sure your next hire isn’t a guy with a “bizarre fetish” and “disgusting behavior” (as the judge who sentenced Cow Manure Guy would say). Protect yourself by using GoLookUp during your next hiring tour.

4. Naked Man Destroys Everything

We all have those days, right?

In British Columbia, a naked man crashed through the ceiling of a home and rummaged through the entire house. As he went, he wrecked everything he could get his hands on.

The family reported he didn’t steal anything, though.

5. I Said No Cheese!

In Florida, police arrested four people after they wrecked a pizza shop over garlic knots.

To be fair, they asked for their garlic knots with no cheese, okay? That totally excuses throwing food and knocking things off of the counter. Right?

No, the judge didn’t think so either. The four were charged with burglary and criminal mischief.

6. M&M Rage

In April of 2017, a man overreacted when his credit card was declined over a $0.75 packet of M&Ms.

When his card declined, the unidentified man reached across the counter and struck the cashier in the head. Then he shoved the cash register off of the counter and threw bananas at another cashier’s head before leaving.

If he couldn’t cover that $0.75 charge, how was he going to cover the $700 in damage he did to that 7-11?

7. Florida Man Strikes Again!

Every time something weird happens, it always seems to come from Florida, right? (“Florida man” seems like a really crappy serial criminal at this point.)

Anyway, here are two of our favorites from Florida man.

Police came to the scene when a Florida man hacked through his mother’s bedroom door with a sword. This occurred after his step-father accused him of stealing their canned shrimp.

Florida man #2 claimed to be half-orangutan, the director of the CIA, friends with President Bush, and Elvis Presley’s brother after the police arrived at a Wells Fargo. Employees called to report him after finding him with a gun outside of the bank. The state brought him up on charges–even though he clearly had “connections.”

8. Another Clown Guy

After the sheer volume of scary clown sightings in 2016, we thought we were clear of the clown scourge. But, as it turns out, 31-year-old Jeremy Putman didn’t get the memo.

Police found him wandering around a small Virginia town carrying a massive sword and wearing face paint similar to Heath Ledger’s interpretation of The Joker.

He wasn’t arrested for the sword, though. Apparently, it’s just illegal to wear a mask in Virginia.

9. Dirty Talk

In 2012, Clyde Hobbs clearly decided that he didn’t feel like paying for one of those 900 numbers. So he called 911 to talk dirty instead.

Except he didn’t just call once–oh, no. Hobbs called 17 times.

That wasn’t the first time police arrested him, either. In fact, when they arrived, Hobbs said, “Are you here to arrest me again?”

10. Dang Fire Alarm

A man in Vermont is facing charges after he used a shotgun to turn off his smoke detector.

A little extreme, right? But it’s his American right to bear arms and use it in his own home if he wants to, isn’t it?

Well, maybe–except when you live in an apartment building and shoot through your upstairs neighbor’s floor.

11. Black and White

In 2015, a man in California attempted to hide from police. But instead of hiding behind something or running like any other criminal would have, this man decided he was going to be extra clever and spray-paint his face black.

It was a brilliant con–until he realized he was hiding against a white wall.

12. Get Back in Jail Free Card

Usually, after you leave jail, you want to stay out of it…right?

Well, apparently, a man from Connecticut walked out of jail and managed to stay out for almost a minute. But instead of walking the straight and narrow, he immediately assaulted a corrections officer.

And wound up in jail all over again.

13. Do You Know the Mannequin Man?

A judge charged a Detroit man and sent him to a psych evaluation after the man attempted to steal shop mannequins.

Interestingly, the man has a history of attempting to steal mannequins. He promised his parole officer that he was going to buy one so he didn’t have to keep stealing them.

Weird Crimes and More

These are just some of the weird crimes committed in recent history. Then again, people have a habit of doing some of the strangest things to get arrested.

So, if you ever wonder if a crime is worth it, ask yourself, “Is this something I want people to catch me doing? Do I want this story posted on the internet for the rest of history?”

The choice is clear: Don’t be a Florida Man!

Don’t have enough weird in your life? Check out our latest weird news to get your fix.