Last week, I attended the UAB Medicine Addiction Symposium, run by the Addiction Recovery Program. I learned from some great speakers, but the part that hit me most was the family story.  

A charming and courageous woman spoke about Nick, her son who struggled with addiction. As she talked, I flashed back to our own family’s story and relived the emotions she was describing on stage, feelings such as fear, hurt, confusion, frustration, anger, and guilt.

Because that is how you feel when your kid is addicted.

And in order to get through one of the worst times you will ever face, you need to learn how to deal with the feelings that could so easily overwhelm you.

How You Feel When Your Kid is Addicted

Dealing with your feelings is like having children in the car with you. You don’t want them behind the wheel, but you shouldn’t put them in the trunk either. You need to be aware of your feelings and learn to deal with them effectively, but you don’t want them driving you around.

And when addiction strikes, the entire family goes on a journey through hell.

Parents use words they have never voiced, drug names and legal terms heard before only on TV. They find themselves doing things they never thought they would do: getting calls from the police, talking to rehab clinics, searching their kid’s room, endless pleading, yelling, crying, and isolating.

But they also learn to pray more deeply and fervently than ever before.

It is excruciatingly intense how you feel when your kid is addicted:  

• Fear – Your life feels like it’s coming apart. When your son (or daughter) goes out, you dread that something terrible will happen, lying sleepless until he (or she) eventually gets home. You’re scared you are losing your son, and you dwell on the worst case scenarios.
• Hurt – The disrespect becomes hard to take, and his lack of gratefulness is a constant irritant. The attitude he throws around makes you feel that he doesn’t care about you at all. When he says, “I hate you,” you try to act like it doesn’t tear you up inside. But it does.
• Confusion – It seems you are constantly forced to make the toughest decisions you have ever made, and the rules are totally different now. In fact, there don’t seem to be any rules at all, more like an ongoing stream of insanity you have to manage your way through somehow.

• Frustration – It finally hits you―hard―that there is no way you can control your son, no matter how hard you try. Everything you do to help doesn’t, and some of it seems to make things worse! For the first time in your life, you have absolutely no idea what to do.
• Anger – How can he do what he does? He’s disrupting everything in the family, and you’re getting really tired of it! The fear, hurt, confusion, and frustration must come out somehow, and getting mad is how that happens. So you do things in anger you’ve never done before.
• Guilt – In quiet times, you wonder what you could have done better while he was growing up. And you wish you felt more certain on what to do right now. After giving in on something, you’re sure you are enabling. After an argument, you wonder if you were too tough.  

Feelings have taken over your life.  

How You Feel After the Drama Has Passed

You wonder if anything good can ever come out of such dark times, but they do. Even though some of the biggest lessons you learn are the hardest:

• It can happen to anyone – You weren’t perfect parents, but you did your best. And you’ve met many other parents in similar situations, so you know it can happen to anyone.  
• Addiction is a family disease – Addiction is a tornado that sweeps through the family, and everyone is affected. The entire family needs recovery, not just the one with addiction.  
• Perseverance is critical – The tough times last for years, even after the drama seems over. The battle is to hang in there with love and courage, and keep taking it one day at a time.  

You learn to be aware of your feelings. Sometimes to react to them, but not be driven by them. You can’t control your emotions, but they are indicators of things you need to pay attention to.  

If your kid is addicted, hopefully you see now that it’s normal to have these feelings. Don’t be ashamed of them, and don’t suppress them. Just feel them. Practice dealing with those emotions in the healthiest way possible, and be the best parent you can be.

Know that positive lessons will continue, but the most important ones may not come until later.

Because it seems God does his best work during our toughest times. Looking back, you will see how he was involved. You will appreciate what you have learned about your family, yourself, and what really matters. And discover a new way to live that brings more peace and contentment.   

It can be torturous how you feel when your kid is addicted. But, as terrible as those times are, you often see later that those events had a purpose. And that purpose may change everything.    

Question: Are you willing to accept that addiction in the family can happen to you?

Action: To serve others, be aware and empathetic with families struggling with addiction.

Photo by plasticrevolver Photo by cykocurt Photo by ~Brenda-Starr~

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