As mentioned two posts ago, I want to get back into into the Recovery talk groove. I realized recently that things have been somewhat stagnating. Though I have still been trying to go out for meals with friends, I haven’t been pushing myself much in terms of food challenges. I have also been settling for the idea that the place that I am at is fine just as it is. I was trying to convince myself that there is no need for further change because I have already come so far and I seem to be doing ok. But really, when I dig further into myself, I realize that I am really afraid. Afraid of moving out beyond my comfort zone. Afraid of facing people’s snide comments once again. Afraid of all the uncertainties that lie ahead. Afraid of growing up and having to face what I don’t want to face. Afraid of really surrendering myself to God and recovery and not knowing whether I will lose control of myself. Afraid of reaching my target and finding that it is really not that great after all.

But even as I, or rather Ed, tries to convince myself of how good Ed is and how secure he makes me feel, there is also a nagging unease gnawing at me. If I’m really honest with myself, I do know where that comes from. Contrary to what Ed says, I know that I am NOT really ok with where I am now in terms of recovery. I know that I still have some way to go. I know that recovery is a restoration of mind, Body, and soul. And in all three aspects, I still have much to work on.

Therefore, I decided to renew my recovery goals here once again as a reminder to myself not to break from working on them. At the same time, it is also a signpost of where I currently am at now, the things I want to improve on, and where I want to go from here. So, my recovery goals are:

1. To be flexible about meal times
2. To be flexible about meal quantities
3. To not freak out even if the meal is in large portions (such as at a 10-course dinner or a set meal) and just eat till I am full
4. To not be anxious about eating out at restaurants
5. To be flexible about the variety of food I eat
6. To exercise within moderate limits
7. To listen to my body when it needs rest and not force it to exercise
8. To allow myself to rest and relax
9. To be able to set boundaries and have personal time and space for myself
10. To be able to go out, socialize, and spend time with family and friends
11. To not be rigid about everything being the same or going according to my plan
12. To spend time doing activities I really enjoy
13. To be able to eat without counting calories obsessively
14. To be able to tune into my body and identify hunger/tiredness signals and heed them
15. To not criticize my body or compare my appearances with others
16. To take responsibility for my own body and not push it beyond its limits to compete with others
17. To be able to eat without being affected by what others say or fearing their comments
18. To not get triggered by other people’s exercise routine or eating
19. To be at a normal healthy weight
20. To feel healthy, energetic, and not cold
21. To be able to eat food out of schedule
22. To be able to eat in front of others without feeling shame

I will share more about my recovery plan next week. But I know that struggling alone is not easy, especially when my adversary is Ed. So I decided to enlist the help of my Support team once again. To tell the truth, I was really afraid of opening myself up to them because I was afraid that they would force me to give up whatever I am doing now. But I also know that if it is what they say, then it is good for me. They would never do me harm. I have to learn to trust them once again, especially when I am still weak and vulnerable to Ed-based thinking. I wrote to my bestie and asked her to keep me accountable about my food challenges every week. I also tried something new at the hawker centre that I hadn’t tried in a long time… Pontian wonton noodles and I told Mum before and after the challenge just so that I could get support and encouragement from her coz I knew that Ed would surely try to sabotage my efforts. And guess what? I really enjoyed my bowl of noodles together with a good friend whom I haven’t spoken to in a long time. It was just wonderful not having Ed barge into the conversation and ruining everything. =)

As the bible says…

Though we may be weak and vulnerable alone, God has also blessed us with people around to help us. Sometimes, it is a matter of being willing to reach out and accept the help. Sometimes, it is also a matter of communication, opening up, and letting others know our needs so that they can do their best to help. I always fear imposing on others and inconveniencing them. But that is how human relationships are meant to be. Alone, we cannot do everything. But we can provide help and support to each other in the areas that we each struggle in. It helps so much to know that there will be someone there to lean and depend on in times of trouble.

I feel so very blessed by the Love of my family and friends around me. I know that even as I gradually break away from Ed, I will not be abandoned and that gives me a great deal of motivation and courage to move on in recovery. To those of you who are reading this, you are a great support for me too. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

The greatest healing therapy is friendship and love.

~ Hubert H. Humphrey ~

As we think about the love of God drawing to us the substance necessary for support and supply, that substance begins to accumulate all around us, and as we abide in the consciousness of it, it begins to manifest in all our affairs.

~ Charles Fillmore ~

May the love of God fill your hearts too, and empower you to walk the path of righteousness and freedom in Christ. Lots of love and hugs from me to you!