Hello once again! And welcome back to my ramblings. I will be 100% honest and say that this post was written the night before my last Christmas exam, when I was trying to think back on 2016. Now, I know I wrote up a post during Blogmas – does it count as Blogmas if it was after Christmas? Anyway, I’m getting distracted again – reflecting on all the happenings of 2016. It was fun to write up and remember all the exciting things I got up to. However, this one is more about what I felt and thought throughout the year, a more personal one if I may. In fact, it came about as I sat in my room, eating a Chinese takeaway that probably would’ve fed 2 or 3 people, binge watching Netflix, and looking at myself in the mirror. Now before you think me vain, I should probably point out that my mirror sits behind the laptop, and I was feeling much too lazy to move it so as not to see my spotty face framed by my half wavy hair. And please don’t get me started on my hair drying naturally – it always just looks weird.

Once again, I’m getting away from the actual point of this post, however it’s that mirror that got me thinking. I promised myself in January 2016 that I would start to accept myself. I reiterated this promise in August when I was in Glasgow for my resits. Once more, September came and with it was a promise to work on being “me” and accepting myself, as well as Properly putting effort into things I enjoyed. So you would think that on December 12th 2016, I would’ve reached a place where I was happy with myself. And yet, as I looked at the empty plate and cutlery needing moved to the kitchen, and as I listened to Claire Fay portraying Elizabeth II, I wasn’t actually happy in myself. And yet I didn’t know why.

To be honest, the more I thought about it, the more I realised that these things brought only a few minutes of happiness, followed by a long time of regret and disappointment in myself. If I could put into words how I felt then I would, but even now I can’t quite word it right. I think the only way to describe it would be to say I felt empty. Not happy, but not sad. I wasn’t nervous about the exam – even thinking about that, I had no overwhelming feelings. And that in itself got me thinking and writing.

I’ve admitted to both myself and to you all that really I don’t think this was the right course for me to take in life, however I also want to try my hardest to achieve what the voices in my head are telling me I will never manage – to get through this degree and come out of it ready to move onto the next step, becoming a teacher. It’s what I’ve always wanted. And yet, even the thought of that didn’t make me feel anything. Strange isn’t it? How we can just have those moments.

During this time, however, I started wondering what would make me happy. What could I do to begin to feel good in my own skin? Feel I belonged, or was needed, or just generally like I deserved to be where I was. Because to be honest, a lot of the time I don’t feel I deserve it. I have an amazing group of friends, and I don’t tell them that enough. In fact, I rarely ever tell them that. Would that make me happier?

I began to consider physical changes. We’ve all been told over and over again that we should Love ourselves for who we are. But what if the person you currently are doesn’t feel like someone who deserves your love? It’s confusing, isn’t it. I asked myself would I be happier if I lost weight. Not for appearance’s sake, I knew that much. Not for my mum or family members who ask at least once a week if I’ve lost any weight, that just made me refuse to do it at all. But from a health point of view. I know exercise plays a large part in it all, but looking at the amount of food I had just consumed filled me with a lot of regret. It got me thinking. How can I change my habits? What can I do to improve my quality of life? A more recent study has shown that on average we take 66 days to form new habits. It’s a long time, but over the next few months I intend on breaking old habits and forming new ones. I often find it difficult to start these things while at home, so I couldn’t exactly start on January 1st the way I wanted to. But I’m hoping to keep you updated as time goes on.

I look in the mirror, and I don’t like what I see looking back. However I can change this. Physically, I can change, and mentally I can learn to love myself. By putting this out here for you all to read, I’m hoping to encourage myself to stick at it. So it may seem boring but I want to describe it here.

I want to start eating properly. I am going to work my days around cooking them, because I actually really enjoy cooking. I just don’t enjoy eating what I cook. So I’m going to create a meal plan and stick to it. Stop the snacks and fizzy drinks and set a proper food budget to stick to. Enough is enough. I say this every year but I mean it this year. I’m 21, it’s about time I started looking after my health properly.

At the same time, I want to find an exercise regime I enjoy. Watching Zoe’s progress for the last few months has really inspired me to start exercising properly. I love keeping up with how she’s doing, and she really is an inspiration to me. I have a holiday in March, and hopefully a summer holiday somewhere at some point, and I want to be able to look at myself before we go away and say ‘Katie, it’s time you buy some new clothes in a smaller size’.

I want a routine. Not to simply get through each day, but to actually properly live my life. Factoring in exercise, cooking, university stuff, socialising, and hopefully a job, I want to figure it all out. It’s when I’m bored and alone in the flat that I reach these moments of questioning where my life is going.

My first thoughts daily shouldn’t be questioning whether I need to get up or whether or not I’ll wear my jeans for the 5th day in a row, rather I want to wake up feeling energised and excited to dress properly for the day ahead. Second year university saw me ban myself from wearing tracksuit bottoms to lectures, and it actually made a bit of a difference! I continued that at the start of this year, and dressing like you’re doing something that day automatically makes you feel more productive.

I’m going to stop washing my hair every day. I know it’s bad for it, and trust me when I say I am working on it, however I probably need at least three weeks to correct my hair’s need to be washed daily. So if my friends don’t mind, there will be a week in which I don’t wash it, and then from then I will figure out a routine.

But that’s enough rambling to you for now. I think I’m going to create a page on here specifically for keeping up to date with how all this is going. But for now, it’s merely a plan. Let’s see if I can stick to it, shall we?

A rather tired and fed up Ktkinnes xx

Tagged: late night thoughts, ramblings, self esteem, self worth, selfdiscovery, thoughts