Inside of the Fruit Stand
You can divide the coming to terms of my sexuality into 3 equal parts. They all have clever previewing names that will entice you to read further. First there was "The Fighting Age", second "The Reverse Mirror Stage", and finally, "The Freedom Era". Lots has been said in the past about what its like to grow up and struggle to sort out all of those feelings that make you feel unsure and unsafe in nearly every single environment. I have never been one to wave the rainbow flag with such eagerness, but as I have matured into that "freedom" era of my life, I am at peace inside as well as out.
The Fighting age was just that.... A fight to figure everything out before you did. While I cannot speak for all , there is a quick fear inside most gay life that sends panic into every gesture and move. Like the generation of gay men before me, the world as not as accepting as it is now. Those boys that came before me had an even harder time living free and open but as the "Will and Grace" effect took over, suddenly it was water cooler TV and even your grandmother thought Jack was hysterical. As I left high school, the world seemed to be evolving on the topic, with politics and popular opinion shifting while slow, moved into more acceptance. Prior to the gay "Must See TV," I was looking for an answer to a feeling or set of feelings that I feared would leave me alone, sad, and forever in hiding. At one point, you tell yourself that you CAN in fact live your life and forever hide the secret that you aren't like the other boys. (that quickly fades into a million different paths, some that debunk that myth quickly, and for some , stick for a lifetime). I hated being the thing that meant I could never have all the things I long dreamed of. The stereotype that all gay men are somehow all sexually wild or are forever playboys and bachelors can even be believed by many and even by some of the same tribe. Young, naive and inexperience in the ways the world can work, I believed it was a limited community with Gloria Estefan as the the soundtrack. ( Cher, Bette Midler, Donna Summer can all be substituted for taste). On the flip side, I had luck on my side. At 14 , a figure came into my life that would be the defining gay role model that I would later lean on to explain nearly everything. He would tell you he too had faults, was nothing to rave about, but I assure you, he is wrong. There was a glimpse into the kindness , warm hearted-ness that was available in our world, and it/he could be gay and fabulous at the same time. I had a large amount of distrust in men, and damn near hatred for what I had seen up until that point and this single person took part of the growth. I found a life long friend , and while I could go on forever in this piece about him, I will save it for another. The discord for who I was lasted beyond graduations and first days at jobs, and sent me down a path filled with wild action and some senseless behavior. I was in fact fighting myself, and maybe even the world, to be seen as something not like myself. I was out, that fortunately was easy, and without drama or strife but what came after was much harder.
Around year 27 , there was a shift and my life changed what seemed liked overnight, and with it, the reverse mirror portion of this journey began.
When I met him, I was in no place to handle what he had to offer and within a short period of time, I decided to give something a chance. He would tell you he was was perfect, was something to rave about, and I assure you, he is right, (and of course, that's all not true). I found a life long partner that changed me, and while I could go on forever in this piece about him, I will save it for another. The first 6 years of our now 8 year together is the reason behind the reverse mirror label. For all the time I fought to look directly into a mirror to see who was I really was, now I was looking at myself through him. There was a massive secret that had come so easy for myself to release, and now I was stuck back into something while similar , wasn't my own doing. It was a glaring image of another person clashing with the world, how it would accept him, and how he internally was dealing. Ironically, he took sometime to come to grips, and express it all. Somehow I got back into the proverbial closet, taking part of a secret , again avoiding the world and their glaze.
The good news is the trip back moved me even further down the road. It was like a jolt down my own path once I got the chance to revisit the old. I grew into my self, found confidence and even came to terms even more than prior. Everyone benefits from doing the hard work on themselves, but sometimes it can be done via a transplant.
I have never had much of the pride thing but the last several years I have found myself in fact, proud. There have been many examples of real and fictional characters that have always been inspired me. The battle to win or overcome the odds is a plot line in nearly all the movies and books we love. As I have invested in gay history, I am overcome with a profound sense of all the battles that have come before me. I live in 2018, allowed to be in love, share that love publicly with no fright or friction. All of that came with a price, and with great struggle that continues today. The point of our fight for rights and freedom continues to be based in choosing whatever method or vehicle we choose to carry our pride in. I don't have to be customized to fit into a community that wants to stand for a unconformable system. I can be united , I can be supportive, but its individual and unique to what I make it.
The result is, everyone has a different yellow brick road.... red slippers and all. How about that for a gay ending.
