When you fall in Love with someone, you will love them until you just don’t love them anymore. That is what I know about love.

Now, if only it was as simple as it sounds.

The last time I fell in love, it crept in and misplaced my sensibilities.

Love came to me in March of that year in between my late thirties and my regrets. I was beginning to feel like my collection of my exes was a clear representation of how many times I had failed at it. I was starting to remove the idea of romance from my agenda of anticipation and be content to fade softly into middle age with a box of chocolate and bittersweet memories.

Being the overthinker that I am, I would usually question science and my hormones; psychology and spirituality. This time around, I couldn't even focus.

That Spring, I found myself bewildered and besotted and wondering if I had it in me to step up to the task and take control of my emotional state.  I was going to come forward as a woman in love determined to build an empirical relationship bond.  Or, I was going to let myself be navigated by the volatile wave of sentiment, passion, and affection.

Inevitably, when I did nothing, circumstances made the call.

I found myself in later months drifting along in a bubble of bliss. I had no real expectations and nonchalantly accepted the fleeting moments and ghostly movements that came from a busy man.

I was floating, soundlessly above the realities of my situation. There was no ground to be seen from where I was. I was far removed from the pending turmoil of the obvious truth: this could not last forever.

So, as the story goes, I crashed devastatingly. I became a victim of circumstances undefined. This meant that I was failing again. At the 19^th hour, I tried to gather what meaning I could to piece together a different kind of ending than what I was used to.

I failed miserably. I was a fool in love. I purposefully hadn’t planned simply because all of my previous plans had failed. I wanted to be led this time. I wanted to be shown the way to something different.

Having to quickly face the fact that that plan was really ill-thought, I went back to the drawing board, tears and all trying to make sense of exactly what I should be doing.

This is where I came to the conclusion that when you really love someone or allow yourself to be open to love; you lose a little bit of control to them.

You will love that man every day, no matter what he does until the day you just stop. That’s what I KNOW about love.

What I didn’t know about love is what you’re supposed to do while you’re waiting for those feelings to pass. Of course, you keep your distance, you put up your wall, you distract yourself and work on renewing your confidence and self-esteem. But, what do you do with those residual feelings that include the remnants of hope? How do you stow away the memories and take back that control?

Before I could solve any problems, I had to think a while about where exactly things went wrong. I pinpointed the variables that have consistently been the deal breakers for me:

1. Dreams Often Get Deferred

For so long, in past relationships and sometimes just in my private thoughts, I had always imagined that I would share this irrevocable pact with someone that consisted of raw honesty, friendship, passion, motivation and inspiring moments of adoration and affection.

I had imagined that we would bond on a level considered divine, live in our version of a picket-fenced home with babies and occasional butterflies when we encountered each other.

Yes, I distinctly wanted parts of a fairytale where everything didn’t have to be perfect but we were so close that the solutions would always come easy.

Time, and time, then time again showed me how perversely unattainable and unrealistic this was. Coming into a new relationship with a broken past and without closure often killed the dream before it even had time to take shape. So, by the third failed relationship, I seemed to be comfortable with some casual form of a working partnership that included companionship and familiarity. A relationship for me became this standard of living where maybe one day we’d just get so used to each other, start sharing habits, have some kids and marry into an undisturbed misery.

That stinging, lingering and ugly feeling of falling to pieces and growing apart made the dream fade more and more year after year. Dreams, indeed are far fetched and very much deferred. I just stopped believing that this something better existed.

2. You May Not Be The Only One

This is the dark place that we know so well and fear so much. No one comes out clean after being cheated on or deceived.

It just kept happening to me. The assortment of feelings and the emotional turmoil was rubbed in like a numbing cream over time. I often found myself with my own version of a wandering eye, plotting revenge, and trying to find anything to distract me from the fact that I was being played like a Violin at High Mass on Sunday in a large Cathedral for an audience of the Who’s Who.

It’s such a crushing feeling to find out that you’re not the only one. It’s damaging and the series of back and forth arguments that ensue will strip any woman of some of her self-esteem and pride.

3. Who are We?

Passion and lust can be very consuming and distracting. It’s the beacon of that undeniable physical and mental attraction that has the amazing ability to mute all of the sounds around. In the beginning of a love story, you find yourself somewhere between magnified infatuation and “is this the real thing?”

There were times when the heat cooled down and I found myself thrown off by some action or behavior I'd never seen before. There were other times when I didn't feel comfortable sharing certain things about my life and speaking my mind honestly. 

We had totally skipped proper introductions and that weighs heavily over time. There were accusations of half truths and dishonesty and we all know "Well, you never asked" will never be a good answer. Here lied the unfamiliarity and the severe lack of common ground.

We didn't even need to grow apart, we never really ever had it together. We simply did not know each other.

So, back to the most recent situation. 

I really didn’t have this thing worked out at all. I had lost ground that I would never be able to regain.

Trust me, common sense doesn’t kick in right away. You’re going to float around foolishly not asking questions and laying any groundwork for a while. You’re going to make spontaneous moves to try to get the rush back. 

Still, nothing will work until you understand who you are and what you really want. 

I had to remember who I was.

I’m Maserati GranCabrio with a 4.7 liter V8 Engine, 450 HP at 7,000 RPM. My maximum torque is 510nM at 4,750 RPM. I’m smooth, I’m powerful and I’m a Classic.

Yet, I’d been acting like I’m a 1987 Toyota Corolla with a rebuilt transmission, worn brakes, and a broken gas gauge.

I started losing sight of myself.

As I was waiting to be led, it didn’t strike me that I didn’t come off as a person who is very easy to lead. I was forceful and faking feminine submission at the same time.

It was an unnerving thing to watch. I’ve credited myself for so long as being a strong woman. Yet, here I was at the threshold of desperation considering settling for less in hopes of finding the “more” later.

I was on my knees and it wasn’t cute. I was combining anger, frustration, fear, and vulnerability. I had lost my edge and finesse. I was trying something new since I had lost so much in the past taking the high road with conviction.

Here’s what happens when a woman fights in desperation without a plausible plan:

You eventually become that ’87 Corolla. He’ll take you back and he will drive you because you’re reliable and available. He will keep screenshots in his phone of that very same Maserati that you once were. He will do the bare minimum to maintain your old engine with quarterly servicing. But, he will dream every night of the Maserati and when he finds one elsewhere, he will grab it.

So, I had to be a Maserati again. I had to be who I’m supposed to be. It was not only to win his love. It was because after crashing back to reality after failing once again, it was seriously time to regroup and address my miseducation on love.

The three things I need to understand about love were always right in front of me. It’s just that we expect love to be so overpowering that we are not supposed to understand it. We never consider that it does not fall from the sky. Instead, it grows out of us. It evolves us, and in order to grow it requires us to understand it.

When it comes to love, here's the long and short of what is required.

1. You can dream and still keep it real.

If you’re going to dream, it is best to do it together. The best way to build a future is to combine your desires into one big plan.

For love to work between two people, there has to be mutual support. These are things that you should talk about in the beginning. You should both know what’s going on each other’s lives. Your aspirations should be laid on the table and your support system should be equally split. This is how you keep it real in order for it become real.

That’s the only way to survive. That’s the only way you will both not lose yourselves. Things work best when both of you contribute to the Powerhouse you want to build.

One of the most beautiful things to see is two people working on the dreams they have deferred for too long. That’s magical. Any man who wants to open up possibilities within you that you had put to sleep deserves more than coffee in the morning.

2. You have to get up close and personal

You have to ask the real questions. Sometimes, there is ugly truth hidden within a beautiful person. That’s okay.

Nothing is irreparable. Nothing is unfixable.

Honesty means that you’re allowed to be human, have faults, and be a work in progress. It means you’re allowed to be angry. Love is understanding and unconditional love wants nothing more but to see you become better.

Don’t deprive each other of the truest stories that explain why you are the way you are. And please, please promise to listen to each other before you allow outside voices to bring “news” to you.

The people who are eager to tell stories about each of you often come with agendas and intent that will only corrupt a bond that isn’t built on truth and trust.

Getting up close and personal and knowing everything you need to know about each other creates a bond that isn’t affected by the negative forces.

Love needs this bond in order to grow. Please give love what it wants.

Thanks.

3. You Cannot Deny That It Exists

This takes us back to the beginning. 

When you love someone, you will simply love them completely every single day until the day you just stop.

That doesn't mean that you're a slave to them. It doesn't mean that you are available to them at all costs. It doesn't mean that you will just fall back into a situation where you damaged each other. It simply means that you when you fell for them, you fell hard and what you felt was real.

That does not go away overnight.

This a time in your life that you respect the powerful institution that is love. When you are in the thick of it and life is good, it is strong. When you're not, it is still strong. Anything that fails you easily or dissipates without a noticeable transition was never love in the first place.

So, you cannot deny it. You just let yourself convert that love into something else. You learn from it. You grow from it. 

Someday, when you've come full circle, you won't even realize how time has soothed the stinging and kept your heart still and steady through the worst of it. You will just find yourself in love again with someone else. 

It's a resilient and beautiful thing. It is the brick after brick meant to build your character and evolve your mind. Love is the wealth of life. Don't ever discount it. 

Don't let your current sadness steal your eternal joy. Don't ever stop wanting the babies and the butterflies.

— Tuesday

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