One of the most discouraging feelings in the world is realizing that once again you have failed at a Relationship. There’s that moment when you toss every single sad moment in your past into one big heap and wallow in the collective misery.

Those feelings may not last long. They may morph into anger and maybe a dull bitterness. Yet, the distaste of things falling apart once again is deeply wounding.

There comes a point when you’ve just about had enough of repeating the same behavior hoping for new results. You’re up to your ears in hurt, anxiety and the stress-related ramifications of emotional discord.

I can’t speak for every Woman in the world. I’m sure our experiences may have given us different outlooks on Love and relationships. We define unconditional love based on what each of us considers to be bearable conditions. That’s a fact. Different women are tolerant of different things.

So, while I’m not speaking for every woman, I am still certain that there are many that can relate to what I’m about to say:

There are just some things, at this time in my life that I will NOT do for a man in a relationship.

I didn’t just randomly select these 7 convictions. They came from somewhere. They came from my thought process when I sat down and asked why and how I was failing once again. They came from the part of me that knows Self-Improvement should encompass all areas of my life.

1. I Will Not Be His Playground

To be a ‘wise fool’ is a very dangerous thing. You’re an exceptionally well put together woman with all the right things going for her yet, you make horrible decisions when it comes to men.

Basically, the men you fall for are always unavailable in one way or the next. They’re either hanging on loosely to a long-term relationship that’s going south. Or, they’re emotionally barred at this time in their lives, so they’re interested in certain things about you that aren’t so much related to any exclusivity or commitment.

Yes, I defined those two scenarios very well because it seems as though those are the top pools I personally just love to dive into.

There is no middle ground in situations like this. You’re either extremely happy or extremely sad depending on what day it is. You’re either on good terms or no terms. There’s so much room for frustration and misinterpretation because there is no real commitment. When you don’t have the commitment, you don’t have a solid foundation to stand on while you complain.

You’ve become a playground and when the weather is bad, he is NOT coming out to play.

Guess what: I’m tired of being that woman. It’s terribly conflicting for me to have in my possession so much common sense that I fail to use at the right time.

I don’t want to be a playground, nor a toy, nor a past time. If we are not on the same page, then we cannot read from the same book.

2. I will NOT let him beat me with another woman’s stick.

I am simply not her.

Pillow talk brings out all the stories from the past. It’s a secure place to talk about horrible exes, mean family members and friends who are pissing you off.  What it also does is it establishes that reference point.

Now, whenever you argue, he brings up what he’s not putting up with because of what happened in his last relationship. He starts accusing you of things that aren’t even a part of your agenda.

Oh, no, no, no. I am not that Lady. I am not Her and I am NOT cleaning up a mess she left behind. It’s as simple as that. As long as I’m taking him as he is and not sizing him up against one of my sorely regretted exes, I will expect that he will do the same.

When he teeters into old feelings and fears, he starts to abandon all the growth he’s trying to work on with you. You can’t move forward if he’s always looking over his shoulder and burdening you with past anxieties.

I will NOT take that on. If you allow a man to categorize you, then you allow him to lose focus when it comes to who you really are.

Yes, I’m aware that there is some psychology behind this. I know there are a lot of men carrying around hurt and affliction from their pasts. He may have never considered therapy. He may need it. He also may have just never been told that it is NOT acceptable to take out your frustrations on the wrong person.

Thankfully, I have no problem clearing that up!

3. I will NOT just pick up where someone else left off.

Every relationship needs to go through certain stages of “getting to know you” and actual dating.

I’ve been guilty of falling into the comfort trap too quickly and then wondering why we never do anything and why it feels like something’s missing.

I don’t like that feeling, it makes me resentful of the situation.

I WANT the whole dating experience. YES, come to my house and pick me up and take me out. YES, send me flowers occasionally (just make sure they’re not ones I’m allergic to). YES, let’s go to the movies and other social places.

Yes, yes, yes.

The last time I tried the relationship thing, it was with a man who had recently ended a long-term relationship with someone he lived with. So, instead of going out and doing things, we spent most of the time staying in and mimicking some form of co-habitation. I started to feel like a fixture, like a replacement. Like, this is where he left off with her and all he’s doing now is just plugging me into an empty spot.

I would say it wasn’t fair to me if I hadn’t been the one to allow it. That’s a part of being a “wise fool” : making weak decisions and accepting what is given as opposed to getting what you want.

I’ve decided I’m not doing that anymore. I don’t think it compromises my strength as a woman to say that I want certain traditional things.

I want to be treated like a Lady, especially when I’m trying very hard to act like one!

One of the realizations I came to at the end of this relationship was that we really didn’t know each other that well. Yes, we talked, but we never saw each other in certain settings. We just jumped right in. There were no baby steps.

This meant the truth about who we are only comes out in argument form when it was just too late for anything.

So, I will NOT pick up where they (he and whoever she was) left off.

We’re going to need those baby steps.

4. I will not lose myself in his world.

I love what I do, who I am now and who I am becoming. It’s taken a lot of soul-searching, courage, pain, and strength to build my confidence.

I am my own person. I’ve established that over time as I’ve become an Entrepreneur.

I also love ambitious men. Yes, I do.

I love the essence and ambiance of their power. I love how I feel when I’m in the presence of their greatness. I am motivated by a man who has his life together.

All good working relationships require mutual support and that is what I’m willing to give. We may go through different seasons of growth individually, yet we can still collectively hold things together. There should be room for us to both grow. There should balance established by compromise.

Right now, I need tremendous growth and it would be unfair for a man to expect me to put my goals aside for the time-being to support his career.

That would show that he’s not attuned to what I’m trying to accomplish. If he hasn’t even considered a compromise of time and focus, then he’s selfish.

I am NOT going to lose myself in him this way.

I’m smart, I know how to be supportive of him and productive for me at the same time. I will NOT be put in a position where I will “back-burner” my goals for his.

5. I will not say I’m okay when I’m not.

I have this extremely bad habit of crying myself to sleep sometimes.

It’s not always sadness. Sometimes it’s frustration and just being overwhelmed by everything. Nonetheless, it’s still not a good thing.

There were so many occasions in my past relationship where I would be in shambles mentally, emotionally withdrawn and physically sick. Still, I would pick up my phone and answer the question “How are you?” with an “I’m ok. What about you?”

There is so much danger attached to saying you’re okay when you’re not. At some point, something has got to give and trust me, it always happens at the worse time.

It comes out mid-argument and it’s a lot to put on a person all at one time.

Men don’t know what to do with an influx of emotions pouring out of a woman all at once. It wouldn’t be fair for me to put anyone through that again.

So, I won’t say I’m okay when I’m not. We are going to have to talk about these things. There’s a sign of something real and of true commitment when he knows your life is less than perfect and loves you enough to help you to fix it.

6. I won’t pretend he’s okay when he’s not.

Men hurt and suffer emotionally just as we do. Their “pains and frustrations” just manifest differently.

Some men try to stay busy. They try to take their mind off what’s bothering them by spending a lot of time with friends and just out in social settings. 

Let’s be real. When I say social settings, I don’t just mean a neighborhood bar or lounge.

They start wilding all the way out. They’re in strip clubs during the week. Day drinking, random boating and keeping their carefree friends on speed dial. I know this sounds very stereotypical, but I’m writing from my personal perspective. Maybe it’s the Country Club and excessively competitive tennis games for some.

I’m just saying.

It doesn’t take a Masters in Psychology to see what he’s doing.

I cannot and will NOT allow a man that I love to run wild and away from what he’s feeling because he doesn’t make a point to talk to me.  There are only so many times he can say “Just leave me alone” before I put my foot down. 

Just as it is not okay for me to keep my feelings bottled, it’s not right for him either.

Any healthy relationship requires honesty and openness. From personal experience, it is often the things not said that create distance and eventually failure on the whole.

7. I won’t settle for less just for some of his time.

After all is said and done, we come to a point where we call a spade a spade.

If I’m taking less than I deserve in terms of time and attention; we are NOT in a relationship. What we have is very clearly a “SITUATIONSHIP”.

I personally don’t want a “situationship” at this point in life, so I would really rather cut my losses and move on AND forward.

In a “situationship” like this, you’re settling for less just for some of his time.

Quite OBVIOUSLY, you’re sharing a man.

What makes it worse is that you KNOW you’re sharing. Even worse still you KNOW you’re worth more and you’re still sharing.

I’ve done it before and after a while, believe me, it sucks.

Those days are over. I’ve been doing too much in the area of Self-Improvement to be a part of that kind of circus.

That’s not compromising, that’s foolishness. As trendy as it seems, “situationships” are clearly a sign that more and more people are misplacing dignity for momentary gratification.

It’s counterproductive when it comes to my life plan and goals to allow this.  I’m past the point of settling. Nothing about it compliments me as I am now.  My area of competition will never be against a woman who I don’t deem a worthy component and that is usually the case in “situationships” (sorry, not sorry).

I’m trying to compete across world markets as I grow my brand and establish my company. I’m trying to compete with my old self in the corporate setting. I’m trying to take everything above and beyond what I’ve already done.

I’m purpose-driven and my proven successes have come from my confidence in my craft. That kind of woman CANNOT abide this kind of situation anymore.

So, there you have it: 7 Things I Just Will NOT Do For A Man.

Now what I would do, well, that’s a different story.

I just want you, women, to know that you’re worth enough to set standards that will improve the quality of your life. As you evolve, you get to know yourself better. When you start to grow and change, it ignites something in you that wants to take it even further.

Yes, you Boss up at some point and you’re never, ever the same again. The man you would have previously fought tooth and nail for doesn’t seem like such a prize anymore. You start dealing more in facts and the fiction of deceit and pretense dissipates more and more. You get a taste of real motivation and inspiration and sub-par compliments and quick weekend getaways become boring and insufficient.

You. Want. More.

There’s not a thing wrong with that!

— Tuesday

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