Valentines’ Day came and the thread of engagements, marriages, and finding Love flooded your screen. Similarly, the cloud of breakups or stressful times for some relationships over the holiday hovered. The one thing we can all relate to is that we all want and need love – companionship, and that warm, safe feeling of partnership, respect, and loyalty. But not at all costs.  Admittedly, sometimes we enter into relationships with  our thoughts, hopes, and dreams of how it will be, but we build sandcastles that wash away because they’re not based on reality. Nothing is perfect, and no Relationship is without challenge, but those on weak foundations can exhaust you.

We’ve all been there. Tumultuous unions that are better left alone. But the positive thing to take away is the growth – if you’ve learned the lessons – about yourself and about your partner.

• Realize that everyone isn’t for everybody

You may be the greatest thing since sliced bread… BUT… maybe they’re not bread people Point is, there are millions of men and women in this world, all different personalities, different background, different energy. Not every great man is for every great woman – and visa versa.

You are who you choose to be, and you are HOW you choose to be with certain people. In a relationship, its completely reasonable to communicate your needs and baggage to see if your partner can fulfill and accept them. Visa Versa. If the answer is no – or there have to be some compromises made along the way to get to yes – that’s ok! Relationships are a CHOICE. And everyone isn’t for everybody.

Core Values are Critical – see more below…

• Forgive yourself and decide to change how you feel.

So you’ve had a rough life, maybe an abusive childhood, unhealthy relationships, a series of bad selections in men/women… forgive yourself. If you said or did something unsavory – sincerely apologize, then forgive yourself, and make a conscious decision to change whatever it was that prompted that behavior in the first place. If you find a pattern in your relationships, figure it out and change it.

Are you/they a womanizer?

Do you/they have baggage or trust-issues that cause you/them to be untrustworthy?

Do you/they ignore the red-flags? If so, why?

Do you/they sabotage your/their own relationships through infidelity because you/they have abandonment issues?

Are you/they a “fixer”?

Pick your poison, and find the anecdote.

• Make Peace and Trust Yourself

At some points in life, you just don’t feel the greatest – typically one of those times is when you go through a breakup. Harsh words, fights, arguments, stress… all can bring you down. It could be regret or remorse for something you did or said. Or it could simply be the situation you found yourself in.  You have to look at yourself and the type of people you choose to be with/around. Make peace with who you are who you want to be, and decide to surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you. If you find yourself in a relationship with someone who you bring out the best in, but they don’t do the same for you – beware, this can be extremely unhealthy. Trust yourself to make wiser decisions, and choose partners that participate in your wellness, not your detriment.

Choose someone who adds to, not subtracts from, your joy

• Accept that it is ok to love

If nothing more, call it “practice for Mr./Mrs. Right”. If you loved genuinely, cared deeply, and truly gave your best to someone and it didn’t work out – consider that good karma for the next relationship of yours. Take pride in knowing you are able to give to another person in a manner that fills them with love. Their loss that they didn’t keep it.

“Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all”

• Accept that it is ok to have believed in someone, even if they didn’t turn out to be the man/woman they claimed

First time shame on you, second time shame on me… is one way to look at it. But as an adult, we all know people make mistakes. None of us are infallible, and perfection doesn’t exist. Depending on the type of “mistake” or “decision” that caused the initial split, and the work put in to make amends, a second chance may not be far-fetched. If nothing more, you giving them a second chance means you’re still open to love. You’re still willing to love, and you’re probably more than capable of loving someone so deeply, it heals. If it didn’t work out after the second chance, and you stayed true to the relationship, then maybe it wasn’t meant for a lifetime – rather a season or a reason. Count your blessings and move-on thankfully. Don’t feel bad for NOT being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t fit you.

You can’t make someone become who the don’t want to be. Their life, their choice.

• Remain whole

Your heart will tell you something your mind may not agree with. You have to be able to identify it for yourself. Take the time to learn what is and isn’t in your best interest. Breakups can be hard. Even if it wasn’t “love”, the loss of a companion, or the disappointment in a person can still sting for a while. It won’t be the end of the world, but it will burn nonetheless. Keep in mind though, you don’t need someone else, or another bad experience chipping away at your wholeness. We aren’t meant to be broken down or destroyed, but whether you wither or flourish is based upon your own choices.

Keep in mind, someone else can only ADD to your life. Don’t allow any subtractions.

• Quiet is Kept – may not be key

Learn that conceding does not always mean keeping. Eventually what was conceded upon can grow to become unbearable and what started as a turn-off can become a disastrous problem. Those red flags ignored or coped with could become flashing lights. Keeping a zipped lip about things that bother you or make you uncomfortable just worsens matters in a relationship. Communicate.  If the two of you cannot reach a compromise or satisfactory result – rethink your moves.

Talk may be cheap, but it will save you in the long run.

• Make Some Changes

Learn to take a stronger stance in only accepting what you know you want – in terms of the basic priorities, principles, and values a person has and how they uphold them. Be conscious of the absence thereof. We all have a responsibility to realize when the attributes or actions of another person don’t line up with what you envision for your life. Instead of trying to accept what you otherwise deem unacceptable in the root of your being, or compromise hoping it will change, next time just say “no thank you” in the beginning.

Also, don’t let an uncomfortable or negative experience change you for the worst. The only person who can change you permanently, is you. It starts with your frame of mind and thought process. Other’s actions or words may evoke a side of you that isn’t typically your nature, and provoke words or actions from you that are dissimilar to your ways – that’s unhealthy for everyone.

Change is a choice you have to make to break the habits, mindset, behavior, or thought-process that negatively affects or otherwise holds your life back from the potential it has. It’s not another person’s responsibility or duty to change you. And you shouldn’t put yourself in a position or do or say things that evoke a negative experience.

• Cut to the Core

Recognize that not everyone’s Core Values are the same. Realizing this sooner – rather than later may save some heartache in the future.  Meeting someone and realizing their vision, habits, lifestyle, choice of circumstances, or even way of communication doesn’t align with yours should cause an immediate hault . But of course, we all try to turn the other cheek or “work with it” every now and then, being hopeful that things will change for the better.

In order to create a healthy relationship there has to be a common ground based on like principles and core values. And the reality is, you rear children to develop their own through emulation and teaching but as an adult, you create and develop those for yourself – you cannot change or set someone else’s principles or core values. Their actions, words, lifestyle and behavior are all a reflection upon how they express and uphold their principles and values.

Core values to note:  Dependability, Reliability, Loyalty, Commitment, Open-mindedness, Consistency, Honesty, Efficiency, Innovation, Creativity, Compassion, Motivation, Positivity, Optimism, Passion, Respect, Fitness, Courage, Education. Perseverance, Patriotism, Service to others

Consider how your core values align. When people show you who they are, believe them.

• Accept that is just wasn’t worth it, and be ok with walking away

Every relationship goes through it’s share of challenges. Not every bump in the road is a reason to end things. Disloyalty, infidelity, lies, manipulation, deceit, perpetual lies – things that conflict with core values/principles of respect, dignity, honor, or loyalty – are.

Know the difference between the two and make a healthy decision.

• Acknowledge that every breakup hurts. Empathize.

He/she may play macho or unbothered but no matter how poorly-fit the relationship was, every breakup hurts (even a little). Because at some point there was something about the union that felt good to your both. Even if it wasn’t enough to create a healthy, long-term relationship, it was enough for that moment. It wasn’t all bad, all the time – otherwise one of you would have ended it on day 2.

Do your best to end things peacefully, amicably, and on respectful terms. This may take a few conversations, coming to terms, apologizing, crying, or hugging it out maybe (if you’re lucky). But also realize, in many cases, closure isn’t something everyone receives immediately or participates in achieveing. Sometimes, one or both people are so angry, bitter, hurt, stubborn, prideful etc, or are simply in denial, that they aren’t willing to go through that process honestly.

Some may take an immature approach and proceed to twitter, snapchat, instagram, or Facebook to make light of the situation, throw jabs, try to make a mockery of the relationship (or of you), or act as if they are unbothered by the split by showcasing a flood of #NewMe quotes, party pictures, photos with a new date or an old fling, or something to that effect. Don’t let that get to you. It’s a ruse. It is normal to want to focus on healthy activities to help get over a breakup, or to express their more peaceful thoughts, but the showboating is just a fallacy hiding their pain.  It is ignorant to assume a breakup bears no effect on a person. Despite the conduct, if the maturity shown during the breakup is that of a teenager, add that to the list of breakup “pros”.

It’s ok. Even without a band-aid, the emotional bruises will heal anyway.

• Move on with a smile

Sometimes you have to go through a situation (maybe a few times) before you really learn to do better. But once you recognize the circumstance, accept responsibility and change, you can accept better.

Or you can always choose to revert back to the life you had beforehand, the choices you made and the situations you allowed around you.

The point is… it’s your life… your choices… how happy you allow yourself to be… how you evolve and IF you evolve is completely up to you! When you bring another person into your life consider what you bring to and take from them, and visa versa. Choose wisely.

Above all – Be happy.

No one can give you happiness, its one thing you must give yourself but if you’re not careful, you can allow others to diminish.  Don’t let your happiness fade because your sandcastle washed away. It just made room for a bigger and better one – a kingdom.

Summer is coming. You’ll build one again – and hopefully it will be stronger than the last.

For those who manage to rebuild their sandcastles, we are here for love.

Enjoy – “Sandcastles” Video – Beyonce

Read Expectations in a Relationship

Read Tips on A Healthy Marriage

~Daily Dose of D’s~

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