| Standing Somewhere between The Infinte |
The diversity of life is infinite. The things that matter to me the most might be a joke for some one else. The lives that matter to me the most might not even exist in someone else's life. When I am alone and I see the world moving around and the relations and the acquaintances palpitating around, my heart suddenly sinks into a deep sea of thoughts. I do not understand this transparent or translucent or this opaque glass of society. I do not care if the glass is transparent, translucent or opaque, but glasses are meant to be broken, that is the glass of society should be shattered and the pieces should be thrown away in the sea of knowledge of the mind and heart and soul. I see my own self struggling to find an identity but in the eyes of society. But if I contemplate then I see that why do I need an identity to identify my own self. Now a question arises that what you know of yourself, is it the same what society knows of you?? Or when I tend to find my own self, is it the same self which the society has put in my mind and I am just trying to reassure my mind that yes it is one and the same?? Or is it really that a true self exist when away from the society, when there is no one to watch us? Do we react to the situations in same way when we are alone or when we are with someone? Which is the real self, the time when we are alone or the time when people are watching us?
My heart is in trouble, I cannot judge whether in deep trouble or shallow, but yes it is muddled. I feel that to live through a day one needs a hope, a feel, a driving force and most of all a sense of living, but I am a person with a lost past and confused present and maybe with no future. But I want to live, why? I foresee that someday I will find myself, that someday I will hope, that now I have a hope to hope for good in future, that someday I will break free from this shell, this prison of society and institutions, that someday I will have the opportunity to be me and I will not miss it, that someday my life will shine like a star and that someday instead of failing and falling down, I will rise up and stand tall and look around the heap of garbage I had been sinking in till then and someday will fly like an eagle.
Suddenly a feeling of disgust has overtaken my soul. People for whom I used to feel, I do not care anymore. Why has this happened? Is it because they have stopped caring for me or is it because I pushed them away from myself? Whatever be the case, but if they are past then they existed only in your head and nowhere else and they still exist in your head. But what is the difference between existing in mind and in reality. I think that in reality a person only exists in your life, only for the moment he is continuously touching you or altering your senses somehow. But a person who existed in past and does not exist in your life anymore is just in head, that is there are just images or a motion picture(that is also collection of some continuous frame of pictures) left in your mind. What is the use or the effect of a person who only exists in your mind now and you cannot see him, feel him or touch him, what is the effect of such a person on your life. It can be either good or bad, depending upon the memories of that person you have. But my question is why should the memories of such person affect you? Why should it make you sad or happy? Is it because there is a hope to see that person again or to hear that person's news of progress or going down? Whatever be the case, it is the hope to see that nonexistent person that makes us feel happy or sad about their absence from our life. So if we stop hoping then will their memories stop haunting us or affecting us? But question also arises why should we leave this hope? No we cannot stop to hope. And so the memories keep coming back to us and our mind keeps playing the reel which makes us sad or happy. But with time we start losing the clarity of the videos being played in our heads. We tend to forget the impact that person, now absent, once made in our lives and defined an important part of our identities. Now slowly it seems that the person never existed and about whom I used to think was just a shadow created by my own head. So how can I distinguish that who was real in my life and who was not? I think the people who are with you at this moment exist for you and are real, otherwise people whom you cannot see or hear or touch, do not exist for you at this moment. But are senses the soul judge for the existence of people? Sometimes, maybe sometimes it is that a person sees some one but the other person is not able to see the same for that moment, considering both were looking at the same place and at same time. Does it mean that the ghost or whatever that was existed for one person and not for the second person? But this is an absurd example as to justify the existence of soul or whatever element that is, is beyond me and my knowledge. So it is for you to judge that a person who existed in past and now only exists in your mind is worth to cry for? But yes happy is another thing, I cannot snatch or infringe upon your right to be happy or at peace, if that image makes you happy then you have all the right to remember and even alter the memories in your mind to feel good or even have the right to erase them...
