Before we start, can we have a respectful moment of silence for all the dances featuring Tristan’s delightful hairy chest that we will now never get to watch.

A rug-ged rhumba, a fur-bulous foxtrot, who knows what we would have seen from the man who rejected wax, to the max. That’s a pretty good slogan actually. If he comes back next year I might have some t-shirts printed.

Thank goodness there’s no Donny this week, he was a judge too far for my liking. More sparkles tonight please, less smarm.

Frankie & Kevin

Frank ‘n’ Kev got the first 10 of the series last week. Luckily it was only a pretend one from fake judge Donny Osmond, or there might have been a lot of pressure on their shoulders this week. “I don’t know where that character came from!” Frankie shrilled, referring to the fiery diva role she’d adopted for last week’s paso. Me neither Frankie, but you should do one every week; it’s what the rest of us call a ‘personality’. Get one in place and you’ll wonder how you ever did without it.

A cha cha cha this week for Frankie and Kevin, following a motivational mid-week trip to Grimsby to celebrate Kevin’s birthday. It starts very well, except they seem to be dancing to a different song from the one being sung. The Dance is fizzy and bouncy whilst ‘Call Me Maybe’ plods along in the background. Is this Dave Arch’s revenge for getting a less effusive welcome from Tess every week than he used to from Brucie? It picks up after 30 seconds or so and Frankie is certainly a very confident and competent performer – and she does perform, rather than just dance, them.

Good, but not excellent, comments from the judges, as you’d expect. I also like Frankie’s eye-make up – they should do a make-up special edition of It Takes Two every week.

8, 8, 8, 8 – 32

Mark & Karen

I didn’t think the Superman Paso was THAT extraordinary last week, it seemed to garner a lot of attention though. One commentator I did agree with was the beautiful James Jordan (JAAAAAAAAAAMES, I STILL LOVE YOU!) who said on Twitter that Mark had enough dance ability that he didn’t need to become a comic turn. Strictly do that a lot, particularly with Anton’s partners, and it can be a bit demeaning. However, Mark’s happy to drag his 90 year old grandma into rehearsals to bust out a few ‘sausage plait’ gags, so, screw him, basically.

An quickstep this week, with nary a phone box or a cape in sight, but lots of white. Given this tune, Iveta and Kristina would have totes broken out the tiger striped lycra catsuits, but Karen’s gone for a more elegant and classic look. Now, Alex ‘Strictly Come Dancing TV’ Croft isn’t a Mark fan and this dance threw her into a mouth-foaming rage, but I think it’s alright. Mark is someone who places his feet, rather than performing, but there is a lot of content and he manages it all well. It’s quick, and it covers the floor. Also, he is cute when he talks about his family.

7, 7, 7, 8 – 29

Judy & Anton

Judy’s not very good at dancing, but her son was very, very funny on Stand Up To Cancer last night, so I’ll mention that instead! Apparently Andy’s coming to Strictly to see her dance next week, so I hope she stays in for that reason alone. The VT doesn’t exactly suggest her sons are being the most supportive they could be, but she strikes me as a tough old broad.

They’re tango-ing this week and, truth be told, it’s more Aberdeen than Argentine. Especially the bit where Anton flings Judy across the floor and she skids like an old dust buster. Nice leap at the end though Judy, and I’d say this is definitely her best dance so far.

Craig seems to be warming to the illegal lifts this series, at least when it comes to Judy. Describing her as looking ‘recently lobotomised’ was a tad harsh harsh though, but she’ll be used to that, from her sons.

4, 6, 6, 6 – 22

Simon & Kristina

Poor blooming Kristina, bottom two last week and the papers immediately laid into her for making the dance “TOO SEXY”, followed by a number of articles scapegoating her for making the whole of Strictly “TOO SEXY” in comparison to ten years ago and, in some indirect way, for the rudey nudeness in the calendars of other female dancers. This was surprising not only because I was unaware of the amount of power Kristina had held over the direction, production and promotion of Strictly over the past decade, but also because those self same papers would run out of articles pretty quickly if women decided to stop being “TOO SEXY” and might have to publish some actual, you know, news.

Anyway, they’re back from the bottom two with a cockney themed charleston. I think it’s very good – Simon looks nervous, but it’s still a strong performance. Good lifts, and filled with character.

The judges comments are a lot more positive this week and I’m pleased for Simon and Kristina. I hope they avoid the bottom two this week, and that Kristina gets a week away from the ‘Siberian Siren’ press.

7, 8, 8, 8 – 31

Alison & Aljaz

Do you know, I googled Aljaz this week, and he was born in 1990. NINETEEN NINETY! I know that he’s a fully grown adult – but 1990?! Lawks. Anyway, a samba this week, to Bootilicious by Destiny’s Child – a song that was released when Aljaz was NINE (sorry, it’s going to take me a while to get over this).

Even the judges can’t help but smile during this routine, and it certainly is fun. One of the most endearing things about Alison is how much she loves dancing, and it makes her a joy to watch. In a feisty-off between Frankie’s paso character and Alison at any point, I know who my money would be on. The judges have mentioned her footwork for a few weeks now, and I hope it’s something she and Aljaz can address because I’d hate to see her go too early.

6, 7, 7, 7 – 22

Scott & Joanne

American Smooth time. Gulp. Please Scott, by all that is sacred, please don’t try and lift Joanne. I like you both, I want you to do well, but I have a very, very bad feeling about how any lifts will go and their long term impact on Joanne’s dancing career.

Well, Joanne’s dress is beautiful, and Scott hasn’t dropped her, but there’s not many positives about this number. The judges are very cruel though, so I’ll think of some nice things – I like how Scott’s face lights up when he’s dancing with Joanne, it’s obviously a strong partnership. And he has no delusions that he’s a fantastic dancer, he’s enjoying it, and that’s the most important thing. Sort of.

2, 5, 4, 4 – 15

Steve & Ola

Steve seems like the world’s nicest man and it’s impossible not to like him. He gets enthusiastic about EVERYTHING and throws himself fully into every routine. They’re doing the salsa this week and have followed Donny’s ‘advice’ to go clubbing and ‘loosen up’. I’m so dubious of Donny’s judging credentials that everything he said will get the old inverted comma treatment from me.

We’re getting both chest AND arm action from Steve this week, so all is right with the world, and when he lifts Ola into the air, it’s like she’s made of pretty little Russian feathers. In all fairness, the enthusiasm cup does at times runneth a little bit over, teetering on the edge of cringe town but, all in all, it’s very accomplished with a good mix of lifts and tricks with real salsa content. Craig’s quite right, Steve doesn’t quite have the hip action spot on, but the judges’ comments are overall very positive. And I agree with Len, Steve is very watchable – whit wooooo.

6, 7, 7, 7 – 27

Pixie & Trent

Oh good, Pixie. And, for once, I agree with Tess, last week Pixie really was the bellend of the ball, surprised she came out with that pre-watershed though. And Pixie’s family seem to be just as delightful as she is, don’t they? Given the choice between Christmas round at the Lott’s or spending all eternity dancing the American Smooth with Scott over broken glass and salt licks, I know what I’d pick. Also, urg, the rhumba. Don’t want to pre-judge but surely both Pixie and Trent just have smooth patches where their genitalia should be, like Ken dolls, or the angels from Dogma? How erotically charged can this actually be?

It’s pretty good, and well choreographed and Pixie dances nicely and she’s very good at kicking her leg in the air. I’m still not feeling it though. Oh no, she’s crying. And you can tell it’s totally sincere because she’s trying to hide it and not being totally over-dramatic and making a big deal out of it by sitting on the bed and *wiping away tears* (ahem). Even my mum, who is such a nice lady that she involved the sleaziest man in the world in our conversation on a train earlier this week because he looked ‘left out’, text me sagely saying “Crocodile tears”.

Oh, and her tears seem to have completely dried up now that she’s not getting the amazing comments and tens she was expecting when she broke out the waterworks. I shouldn’t laugh. Oh actually, I should – we ALL should laugh when someone so transparently and ineptly attempts to manipulate emotion out of the audience and it goes tits up.

8, 8, 8, 8 -32

Tim & Natalie

I quite liked Tim and Nat’s dance last week, but I’m not sure that this week’s paso will be quite so forgiving. Confidence isn’t a problem for Tim though, and one has to admire a man who can pull off leggings in the training room!

Cripes, I can’t see Len appreciating all these cape shenanigans at the beginning. It’s not terrible…well, it’s a bit terrible, actually. The judges struggle to find anything good to say, apart from Darcey who comments on the improvement from last week, but a 6, Darcey, for reals?

3, 6, 5, 5 – 19

Sunetra & Brendan

Their American Smooth last week was fantastic, and I hope this week’s salsa lives up to the promise she’s shown previously.

Um, the opening lift is a little stiff and ungainly, but it certainly picks up after that. I think this is another good performance from Sunetra and Brendan and I like the ways her confidence seems to be improving in leaps and bounds. In the interest of research I did re-watch the whole thing to see if it was possible to pinpoint the moment at which Brendan’s crotch gave up the ghost, but, sadly, it was not. I liked those ‘BAM BAM BAN’ jumps, I think I might work on those for my own Christmas party.

6, 7, 7, 7 – 27

Thom & Iveta

It is not surprising AT ALL that Thom was educated at a fairly fancy-pants private school as he has the inability to be embarrassed at behaving in even the most ridiculous way and completely unshakeable demeanour which is almost totally exclusive to private school boys. Not hating though, just stating. During the course of finding this out, I did also see that his profession rugby career was ended by injury when he was just 24, poor guy. Also, his most famous ex-girlfriend is now seeing a knobhead of gargantuan proportions, so I’m feeling a certain amount of warmth for Thom as he approaches this week’s foxtrot.

Ooh, the beginning’s a little aggressive, isn’t it? I’m not entirely sure that I’d be as charmed as Iveta if some burly dude followed me out from behind a market-stall and spun me round to face him with such intent. It’s much sweeter from then on in though, and nicely performed. As the judges pointed out, there are some technical issues, but overall I think Thom is coming on very nicely.

6, 8, 8, 8 – 30

Jake & Janette

I really enjoyed Jake and Janette’s sinister waltz last week, and I have high hopes for their jive. I must admit, I do get a mite tense before any of Jake’s dances. His samba was so good and he’s such a lovely, humble dude, that he’s one of the contestants that I really root for every week.

I need not have worried though, this is an excellent jive. Strangely, I almost prefer the segments where Jake is dancing solo. He brings bags of character and attitude and seems to be able to bring something different to every dance. I might be biased, but I love watching Jake and I hope he’s in the competition for a long time to come. Also, “Did you enjoy that Jake?” “Yeah, I like the jive” see that, Pixie? He danced better than you and he didn’t need to go and have a little pretend weep afterwards either, did he? That’s because he’s not a massive penis, watch and learn.

8, 9. 8, 8 – 33

Caroline & Pasha

Oooh, bit cruel BBC, playing One Direction over Caroline’s intro. I’m sure it was a completely innocent coincidence (was it heck!). Caroline does have talent, I just find her a bit forgettable. Although, I haven’t forgotten the other programme which was identical to Strictly that she danced in and won, unfortunately. Despite that, I’m looking forward to her quickstep, Pasha will, I’m sure, have composed a very attractive routine.

Bloody hell, I rarely say this, but Caroline’s dress is just awful. Has she pissed off the costume team, it’s super unflattering, and it’s hard to make someone so pretty look bad. I like her hair though, just so I don’t sound too mean. It’s an alright dance – I think she slipped at one point quite early on though? I hate to sound like Len, but I’m not really feeling the fairground theme, there was too much potential for stuff to go wrong. The judges love it though, and they’re the experts.

8, 8, 9, 8 – 33

I think this is going to be another week where the folks in the middle are the ones in danger. Scott, Tim & Judy (or their pro partners) clearly have very strong fanbases, so if you have a mid-table favourite, don’t forget to vote.

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