If pepper spray is indeed a food product, then it’d make one hell of a turkey spice. WELCOME TO FLAVOR COUNTRY. It’d especially work well for deep frying. And maybe in a Green Bean Casserole, because green bean casseroles are awful except for the French’s fried onion part. If there’s ever green bean casserole at a Thanksgiving dinner, I stealthily reach for that first, instead of turkey, so I can get all the fried onion parts. Let the other fools get their turkeys and stuffing. I’ll have a monopoly on French’s onion. I’ll be the JP Morgan of fried onions in my household. My family might think I’m a selfish asshole, but hey, what Thanksgiving without passive-aggressive familial resentments.

On that note, happy Thanksgiving everyone! May you stuff your foodhole past the point of satisfaction and into sheer, unadulterated pain. HURTS SO GOOD!