Beware of The One Eye That Sees All, as Tolkiens warns us. Beware of Sauron!

But what if Sauron was, you know, just a guy? Well, a mean, bad-ass, revengeful guy. But still a guy. Someone who watches afternoon TV, maybe eats pizza, and suffers from a bad case of onjunctivitis. So why not give him the chance to say someting? And that’s just what I’ve found while surfing through the Goodreads site: A review of Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring, by Sauron. However, it seems Sauron decided to use an alias -Jonathan Cullen- to have his words published. Go figure! But let’s take a look at what he has to say):

” A review of Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring, by Sauron

Hello. You may remember me as the title character of the Lord of Rings. I go by a lot of names: Dark Lord of Mordor, Sorcerer, Red Eye, Dark Power, Lord of Barad-dûr, Ring-maker and Base Master of Treachery (I use that one in my band). I actually object to Tolkien’s chosen name of Sauron, which I understand originates from an adjective that means “foul, putrid” in his crappy invented language. What can I say, the showers in Mordor are sketchy at best. On weekends, my poker buddies call me Sauron the Destroyer of Nacho Platters.

Because Tolkien intentionally failed to give a proper description of me in his books, allow me to give you an idea. I have a bit of a dark look. My quest for world domination having been thwarted, I watch a lot of TV these days. My body is roughly equivalent to the “The Situation” on Jersey Shore. Oh, no I don’t watch that, but the Witch-king of Angmar is obsessed. He won’t shut up about Snowcone or some bimbo on that show. I’m missing a finger, which while preventing me from raining down carnage on Middle Earth, allows me to collect decent EI. Plus the best lawyer in Mordor got me covered under the dismemberment clause on my insurance, so I’m riding the double dip gravy train. Much has been written about my terrible Lidless Red Eye, blah blah blah. It freaked out that little twat Frodo pretty good. I’ll have you know that conjunctivitis is no laughing matter. Having to keep it open 24/7 to look for hoodlums skulking around Mordor is murder on my hydration. The Nazgul have enough lift and aim to get up there to toss a bucket of Visine at it, but it’s just temporary relief. Regardless, I’m still more of a looker than your precious King Elessar or Aragorn or whatever he’s calling himself these days. He’s never met a brooding look he didn’t like. Buy a razor. Get a real job.

Someone sent me Peter Jackson’s movies in the mail. The package had no return address but it was postmarked “Hobbiton”, where ever the hell that is. As I watch these movies over and over (I never even finished the books) I was reminded of all my mistakes…

Perhaps a ring was not a good choice. Some buddies have suggested that maybe I shouldn’t have tied all of my terrible powers to something as easy to misplace as the One Ring. In retrospect, I should have forged The One Gas Station Bathroom Key Chain of Power. It would have been a lot harder to tief. I even could have pimped it out by making it from an Ent branch or Saruman’s foot, for all the good that old fart did me. Maybe a ring would have been just fine if it had been a toe ring. Then it wouldn’t glow in the dark like a target for every freaking Man on the battlefield. I heard that the guy who beat me was named “Isildur”!!?? WTF. Maybe I could have worn tougher gloves, I don’t know. Perhaps the door to the Fires of Mount Doom should have had a better lock. ADT could have hooked me up with motion detectors but I hear that even cats can set those off. They claim they can calibrate them but I’m not so sure. The Uruk-hai are always jumping up on the table, so they would set it off for sure. Maybe just the alarm that goes off if something hits the lava, like pool alarms for kid. Although I guess it would have been too late by then. “My preccciioouussss!”. Learn some balance a-hole.

Frodo. That little prick. I’d rather not discuss how my quest for utter dominion was defeated by something I could poop out unnoticed.

I’m getting off track. I’m supposed to discuss the events of the first book, the Fellowship of the Ring. Good times! I was on a comeback! Then the withered up senior citizen Gandalf had to go to the library and do a little research and figure out that my Ring was not some cracker jack prize. My Ringwraiths tried to track down the Ring but apparently taking it away from children was too difficult. If I had put the Nazgûl on fell beasts rather than bloody horses from the start I might have tracked down Frodo (prick) and his three buddies in the bloody woods. Don’t horses have a good sense of smell!? Anyways, the fell beasts would have at least avoided drowning in a river. Sweet Mary. Then those Elves suggest a damn “fellowship”. Could you have come up with a lamer group name?? Why not call it the “Loose Association of People Who Share Common Beliefs or Activities…of the Ring”. That Balrog almost did me the biggest favour, he was always one of my peeps. “You shall not pass!!” What a line Gandy! How cow. I heard that one took like 15 takes because Pippin kept making everyone laugh by adding in the word “gas”. Fool of a Took!

Anyways, by the end of the Fellowship of the Ring, I still had a fighting chance. Great book. Anyways, The Two Towers won’t be as fun to review. Sh*t hits the fan.

(A note from Sauron’s agent: full credit for the idea of this review goes to Kemper and his awesome review of Drood) “