NEED FOR WEED
0335am
I don’t remember when was the last time I had a sleepless night, certainly don’t remember when was the last time I sat down to write something at such an odd hour when it’s completely dark and I have to write AM for the time.
I am not really sure why I can’t sleep at the moment, is it the age old convention of Love, is there anything that is troubling me, am I hungry, is there anything important lined up for tomorrow, is it the fucking bed bugs who have somehow managed to find a way into my bed, bedsheets, blankets (I have killed just too many of them today and I have no idea what to do, they are increasing at an enormous rate) or is it just the simple fact that I slept in evening ???
Now, that I have started writing I don’t think any of it matters at all, neither the bed bugs nor love, because in one way or other there are times when there is no difference between both of them :P
For a long time, life hasn’t been same, it has changed me a lot, every day there is something new and that is something which has become monotonous. I have kind of adapted to the monotonicity of change. I have Stopped looking back, I have stopped looking forward, I have stopped looking. I have been trying to figure out what I should look for or what is it that I have stopped looking, is it an escape from reality that I am looking for or is it something that could connect me to myself. There is a lot that I feel like doing and that is absolutely doable also but somehow I end up not doing everything that I want to and must do. There are answers available but I have started losing all the questions.
Now that I spent a lot of time trying to sleep I can easily write about all that crossed my mind, unlike every day when sleep takes all the thoughts away. I Wondered about the distance between everyone, I realised it has increased a lot, it might have decreased for a lot many people too but the increased distance started bothering me. Is it necessary that people cannot stay close together, what are they people or electrons that repel each other when brought closer? No matter whether the distance had brought happiness or emptiness I wondered was it worth any of it? I wondered about the times I drifted away and I wondered about the time when people drifted away but what bothered me was the fact how can we forget the times when we were close, what about the promises, the late night calls and the good morning messages, we all are matured enough to forget and forgive and start afresh but is it really possible to start afresh, at the end of the day only love remains and people drift away, I have seen this in many lives around me.
I wondered about all the things that I want to do, I wondered why is it that I am not able to find sufficient strength to pick up a paint brush and start painting, I wondered why do I even need strength to do something that I want to do, shouldn’t I be doing that without any strength because this is something that I love. I wondered the same about picking up a pen and writing something. This is what bothered me that I am not able to do things that I love and really want to do. I have no reasons or excuses for not doing any of the things that make me happy and I know it’s all momentarily and will pass away eventually but I do realise it from all my heart that it shouldn’t happen. Am I the only one who wants to do a lot of things in life but not able to do without any reason and even if there are reasons like time etc I am pretty sure that they won’t count as we must always do what we love no matter what.
Why is that I am not travelling when this is what makes me happier, why am I not spending my time looking at the sunsets and lying down at marine drive. I have become strong and matured but I am sort of turning into a stone which is not bothered by anything at all. Is it a good thing to be a stone? Certainly there are advantages that you don’t feel a thing but happiness can’t be felt either.
I am glad that I sleep peacefully and am satisfied with my work but is it the time to sleep? Am I making enough memories to cherish? Sleep is certainly the best thing to do but is it better than an exhausting trek or sitting by the beach or staying awake just for a sunrise? I wonder about the priority shift that has taken place from Sunrise to sunsets to rests.
There are a lot many things that I want to do, a lot of things we all want to do, it is not the time to wonder but to wander, it is not the time to switch off light and sleep, it’s the time to sleep with lights on, it’s the time to watch sunrise and sunsets instead of tv series, it’s not the time to know it’s the time to do.
I look back for a moment and try to figure out all that I have I written and realise these are just a few of the feelings to which I am hooked up, the realisations that this is the time to live but I am not doing it, and it’s all gonna end up in regrets and nothing else because time will go and I will end up on a ship looking at the sunset and sunrise all by myself and no matter how beautiful it may look there will be something that will set within with every sunrise and sunself.
Life is too short to keep a grudge or to keep a stone on your heart and stop it from doing things we love be it intentionally or unintentionally.
This is the time to escape from reality and find myself.
Mukul
