Today, New Zealanders have awoken to news of the passing of a pallid, tasteless, half-baked, sugary indulgence, [No, not Duncan Garner. Ed] as the Girl Guide Association has decided the iconic Girl Guide biscuit is to be phased out over the next twelve months.

“We think there are easier ways to raise funds,” senior Brown Owl Patty Panze said. “Going door to door flogging crumbling morsels may still be working for the National Party but not for Guides. We’re going to invest in Bonus Bonds and the Auckland real estate market instead.”

Although Girl Guide Biscuits have legions of fans, currently organising online petitions, sit-ins and angry Facebook posts to save their favourite treat, the powdery offspring of a Vanilla Wine and a cardboard Lion Brown coaster, it’s not going to be missed by everyone. “You couldn’t dunk them, and as soon as you opened the packet they fell to pieces,” one passer-by noted. “And the biscuits they were selling were as bad. We set the dogs on them.”

Opposition Leader Olly Adginous has been quick to condemn the move. “This is just another example of how the Labour government is spending more money on fancy new embassies in Oslo and less on out-dated organisations founded by well-meaning eugenicists,” he said. “When we are back in government, we will restore capitalism, abolish petrol tax and bring back Girl Guide biscuits, but not a properly founded health system to deal with the consequences of eating them”.