“Kill me! Kill me!  Kill me!” the words echo through my head.  This is not a teenager’s words.  These words are from the mouth of my Daughter.  Along with “I want to die” and “I am going to kill myself”. Every time her little brain throws those words out of her mouth my heart breaks a little more.  It breaks because I am all to familiar with dealing with mental health issues.  I know the sttuggles, I know treatment is minimal at best, I know there is not an easy fix.

My daughter, at just seven years old is wanting to die, without knowing the permanence of death.  I am scared for her.  What if one day she acts on it?  There is no explaining to her What death means.  She does not want to hear it.  

As much as I am sad, I am also angry.  I, for the most part, very much respect my family doctor and her model of treatment, but my daughter has fallen into a large crack and now we are having a hard time pulling her out.  I have been begging for help for her since her first birthday.  Something was always “off”, but our doctor was quick to reassure us that she was simply “spirited”.

Here we are 6 years later, being told by one of the top child psychologist in our city, that she can not be the primary therapist for my daughter.  That her needs are beyond her scope of practice.  That her needs would be best served by a multidisciplinary team, including psychiatry.  Essentially my daughter is going to be put into the same mental health system that has failed me in so many ways.  She will be labelled. 

I am so very tired of this Fight.  My fight, her fight, I am exhausted.  Emotionally, physically and psychologically depleted.  I need counselling on a weekly basis, but only get hit every two weeks.  I need trauma therapy, as I am being triggered by my daughter over and over again, but at the moment am not able to access any.  

I hope for energy to get through this.  My eyes just want to shut.  To dream away the negative and enjoy a word that is made up in my head.  I need a break before I break