For the longest time I've gauged my self worth based on my weight.  If I was just thinner that guy wouldn't have turned me down for a date, if I was thinner I'd have more friends, if I was thinner maybe I could start running or playing soccer again.  There's a lot of privilege in our society for being thin.  The thinner girls have an easier time finding clothes that fit at an affordable price- a pair of size 6 jeans at Old Navy will cost about $35-40 on average while the same exact jeans in a size 20 will cost $40-50 and are "exclusively" online.  Only recently have stores like Torrid appeared that offer trendy clothing for plus sized women, allowing plus sized teens and 20-somethings to wear the same clothes as their peers.

Each year magazines like Star and People publish the "good vs. bad beach body issues."  These publications glorify fat shaming, putting celebrities with extremely thin bodies on the good side while heavier people get put on the bad side.  There are so many examples of beautiful women being shamed, most notably Tyra Banks and Jennifer Love Hewitt.  What message does this send to our girls?  If you don't have this perfect modelesque body that is not even close to being representative of the normal population in America, you are worthless and shouldn't ever wear a swimsuit.  And that's the message I've taken.  I'm terrified to go to a pool or water park for being judged for my body.  Terrified to wear shorts because there might be comments on how fat my thighs are.  I can't even go to a restaurant and feel comfortable ordering food that I like because I know that the comments exist of "look at her ordering that meal with a DIET Coke."  As if my preference for the taste of diet is outweighed by the food that I eat.  Not only do I prefer the taste, but I prefer to not drink my calories.  Yes, it's somewhat counterproductive, but each 150-200 calorie can of regular soda I don't drink is 150-200 calories I'm saving for the day.  I drink a lot of soda and can only imagine the number of calories I'd take in if I drank regular just because it's "ludicrous" to drink diet with fast food.

I don't eat terribly when I go out-I'll get chicken nuggets and fries or just a burger at McDonalds, I generally keep my meals under about 700 calories when I go out and while I order the 10 piece meal to save money, I tend to only eat 5 of them and save the rest for later.  Yet I am judged more than the "normal weight" person who orders the Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese meal large sized with a full calorie drink because I'm overweight and therefore unhealthy.  If I decide to have a treat like a cookie, I'm looked at like "well she sure doesn't need that" even if I'm within my Weight Watchers points for the day or at a very low number of calories.  And heaven forbid I eat a salad because obviously I'm only doing it to lose weight and not because I genuinely desired salad that day.  Because of consistent weight shaming from my peers since I was a child, I absolutely hate eating in front of people.  I will cover my mouth while I chew and tend to pick at my food (though I really don't eat a lot in one sitting-I tend to graze more than anything) because I don't want to be judged as a pig for eating the way I want to.  Even friends and family do this, trying to look out for me.  If I want a second slice of pizza, I'm sometimes too ashamed to get one and I never go for seconds on anything until someone else has because I don't want to be "that fat girl trying to eat all of the food."  What people might not know is that I didn't eat lunch that day in anticipation of enjoying that second slice of pizza or that piece of pie.  I know that people think that they're doing what is best but it shames me into feeling that I'm not allowed to eat like everyone else because I'm fat.  While my normal weight friends and family can eat 3 slices or more, I get the looks-maybe subconscious, maybe not-like "she doesn't need that" when I have 2.

Our society tends to think that overweight=unhealthy and normal weight=healthy, which is patently false.  I know people who are at a normal weight who have hypertension, type 2 diabetes, and other diseases that tend to be associated with weight while I have only one thing that could potentially be weight related but occurs in many thin people as well, PCOS.  But if a thin person walked into the doctor's office with their normal BP being 140/90, the doctors/nurses would question it.  If I walk in with the same thing and comment that it's high, I've gotten comments that "no, that's perfectly normal in someone your size."  My normal BP is 110/70 or slightly lower.  My cholesterol ratio is perfect.

I've had physicians deny that I have asthma because obviously my trouble breathing when I run is weight related, despite having the issues since I was at a normal weight and the issue subsiding when I use an inhaler.  I've had doctors and physical therapists tell me that my knee issues would subside or dramatically lesson if I lost weight even though my knees are DEFORMED and it's a consistent bone on bone issue.  Even at a normal weight at the high end of the ridiculous BMI scale, I was told that losing weight and strengthening my muscles would "fix" the problem.  This was at a point in time when I could press over 300 lbs consistently with my legs and was athletic.  Obviously losing weight will miraculously cure a congenital defect.

And this doesn't even begin to touch the surface of the issue.  I absolutely dread getting on an airplane or other form of public transportation.  I've gotten the dirty looks from normal weight people because I'm fat.  The look of disgust that they have to share a row with me and I'll take up their space.  I do everything I can to not even take up my entire seat just so that these assholes are comfortable.  The dirty looks you're given in public if you even try to go for a walk or run because you have parts that jiggle.  I've gotten comments walking down the street about how fat I am and even pulled away from doing something I love, playing soccer, because people would mumble under their breath about the fatty at best and yell it at me at the worst.  Yes, I play this off, joke around about how fat I am and how they should tell me something I don't know about myself, but it hurts.  Terribly.  I hate feeling like my entire worth in society is based on my weight.  I hate that I can't just roll out of bed in the morning and go to class in sweats like my thinner counterparts because while they are looked at as cute and comfortable, I'm looked at as fat and slovenly.  While tank tops and jeans are looked at as cute on thinner girls, bigger girls hear comments about how slutty they are because yes, it's hard not to have your breasts show in anything other than a turtleneck if you are large chested.  But how is this fair?  I hate wearing anything that isn't long sleeved because of my "bingo arms."  I wear sweatshirts that are 3-4 sizes too big because I fear being mocked if something is too tight and I'm afraid to wear anything trendy because I know that comments are made about bigger girls wearing them-I've even been guilty of this.  I'm so self conscious about my own body that I've made comments about other girls.  It has to stop.

I have to admit that part of my drive to lose the weight is this societal push for all women to be thin and therefore beautiful.  While a man can walk around with a few extra pounds, women are mocked for them and the media doesn't help.  I want to get healthy-to be able to run a mile or two without issue, to play soccer again and get my muscle tone back.  There are plenty of "big girls" with healthy strong bodies and plenty of "small girls" with high fat content.  The BMI scale is a crock of shit and is insanely two dimensional, it doesn't take into account muscle mass or fat content, yet it is what the medical field bases everything on.  If you have a "normal" BMI, you are healthy and if you don't, you are unhealthy.  Period.  It doesn't matter that the normal weight girl might eat a diet high in fried fatty foods and the higher weight girl eats a lot of vegetables and lean protein, the only number that matters is what shows up on the scale.  So yes, I'm trying to lose weight.  But now I realize that the right reason to do it isn't so that guys will think I'm attractive or so that I can eat without judgement, but instead to be healthy and to like how I look.  If someone doesn't like me because I'm fat?  Their loss.  I have so much more to offer the world than outer beauty.  Maybe someday the rest of the world will catch up to this thinking and it will be realized that all people are beautiful in some way.  An idealistic way of thinking which will never happen as long as we only look at numbers on a scale or a chart.