Last night, I decided to start making positive changes in my life.  I had dinner and went shopping with a friend, who is helping me to unleash my girly side and learn how to use makeup better.  I applied to rent a gorgeous apartment and now I'm just waiting on a phone call to let me know if I got it or not.  And most of all, I decided to really start to focus on exercise since I've, for the most part, gotten my eating under control.

I was all set to go out and walk/run for 5 seconds before I got winded and felt like death, but huge thunderstorms rolled in.  Normally, I would have taken this as a sign that I wasn't meant to exercise that night because obviously exercise is the devil.  Instead, I chose to focus on toning instead of cardio.  I grabbed my hand weights and did different arm and chest exercises and then I did a bunch of lunges and squats.  I hurt so badly today, but after looking at a picture of myself that was taken this afternoon to show my friends a dress that I really like, it's very worth it.  I have lost 40 lbs in the past year, which is amazing, but haven't done much to tone or build muscle-a big mistake.  I could look better than I do right now, so I'm going to do it.

My friends and I are going to start Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred tonight.  I've already done some arm, chest, and butt moves in addition to this and really hope to lose inches by my birthday.  I don't know how many, and I don't know how many pounds I can lose during this, but I'm confident that between working out and watching what I eat through doing Weight Watchers I can look even better by then.  My biggest spots that I dislike are my legs, which I've always disliked, my arms-casually referred to as "bingo wings," and my waist.  I have the dreaded "love handles."  I've always had a slight indentation between my abdomen and my thighs, but it's very pronounced when I gain weight.  I thought when I was a teenager that it meant that I was fat when it was really just the flare of my pelvis.  I accept this now, but with the addition of layers of fat over it, it looks strange and I don't like it.  I want to get rid of this fat.

I want my athletic, toned body that I had as a teenager back.  Yeah, I didn't have visible abs, yes I had some excess fat, but I was strong.  I didn't appreciate all that my body could do back then and I didn't take care of it.  I can't go back and fix it, but I can change it for the future.  I can get that muscle back and tone it even better, I can get back to a point where I can run a couple of miles.  I might not be the fastest but that's not what it's about-it's about my health.  Activity is associated with better mental health in general and can reduce the risk of relapse in bipolar disorder.  Activity helps you feel better about yourself, and that's what I need.  I'll screw up, I'll skip days, I know this.  But I need to do it.  I need to build my body confidence up and to think of all of the amazing things it can do.

Today starts a new day of becoming athletic.  It's going to be hard, it's going to hurt (already does), but amazing things come out of the pain.  It's just a matter of getting there.