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The Depression Returns

Awesome.  Ever feel like you've screwed up your whole life and that you're all alone in it?  Yeah.  That's about where I am right now.  I was doing SO well.  I was dropping the weight, living on my own, having a great time with my friends, and then BAM!  Crash.  Right when school's about to start, which is always perfect timing.

Don't get me wrong.  I don't miss being married, I don't miss all of the crap that I've dealt with.  I miss knowing what my future held.  I miss the security, I miss knowing that my bills will all be paid on time, or at least that they should be.

I'm scared my friends want nothing to do with me.  I feel like no matter what I do, I'm not wanted, that it's pity that keeps me around.  I know I'm probably just imagining things, that it's my own inner insecurities coming out.  I'm tired of sitting alone every day.  Yeah.  I thrive on solitude, but not constant solitude.  I feel like my going out of town constantly this summer is adding to it.  I hardly have a weekend in town, and when I do, either nobody's available to hang out or they already had plans that don't include me. I know I can't expect people to wait around for me to be available, I just wish I was here more.

I love my family so much, love spending time with them, but I'm exhausted.  Driving 9 hours is draining, especially by myself.  I get home and I'm tired.  I don't begrudge my family any of the time I spend with them.  At all.  I'm just tired.  And I miss having a life.  School starting will make my life even more hectic, and I'll have even less time.  I was looking forward to one last "hurrah" before school started, but it's not going to happen.  I'll start school, and back up to my family (again, not begrudging them...I'm excited about the reason...just, as I said, tired), then bringing Aunt Leen back with me for a visit, then my mom and brother will be here for a visit.  These visits will do me well.  I won't be alone at night bored out of my mind and overthinking everything.  I love and miss my family so much and sometimes wish I'd left sooner so I could have applied to schools up there and just moved home.  My world is so split right now.  I want to be with my family more than anything, but I want to get through school and enjoy my time with my friends while I can.

I think about everything too much.  I overanalyze, I see issues that probably don't actually exist.  And then I get depressed and clam up.  Even when my meds work completely, I still have that twinge of fear that I'm not wanted.  That I'm not good enough.  Combine my fear that nobody wants anything to do with me to my fear that I'm going to do terribly with school and I'm an emotional mess.   I need to make an appointment with my doctor, but I don't have time.  I'm not home enough and I can't afford the gas to get to him anyway.  I calculated it all up and this summer I spent 4 days in the car and over a month away from home.   That's a lot of driving.  I'm glad that I got all of the time with my family and with a few friends who mean the world to me.  I just can't afford to do it anymore.  I'm on a really tight budget between my apartment, gas, and food, and sometimes I don't have any money for food and end up either eating crap or not eating at all.  That's another thing that'll be easier when school starts-at least I can grab staples at school with my flex money.

But right now, it's hard.  I'm learning to rely on myself more, but I'm scared.  I'm scared that I'm going to screw everything up again.  That I'm yet again going to push away friends or make them not want to be around me, that I'm going to alienate my family, and that I'm going to screw up with school.  I'm trying to lower the stress level in my life so much that I think the attempts to lower it are stressing me out even more.  I need to get back to writing.  It's the one thing that consistently makes me feel better.

I'm scared to ever give a man my heart again.  Scared to trust anyone and scared to even try.  In my experience, caring about someone causes pain and it's so much easier to NOT put myself out there and deal with being alone by "choice" than to try and experience the same heartaches over and over again.  On the same note, I'm worried that I'll go for the wrong guy again.  I have ideas of what I'm looking for in someone, pretty static ideas that I don't intend to move away from, but what if the man I want doesn't exist?  What if I'm aiming too high?  My only big criteria are someone I find physically attractive, someone smart, and someone who treats me well.  Someone who doesn't act like everything I do is wrong and that I'm the biggest bitch in the world.  Someone who accepts me for who I am.  What if that doesn't exist?

My binging came back with a vengeance since I got home.  I'm trying so hard to get to normal eating but I don't think I'm capable of it.  My eating is either bingeing or not eating.  There's no happy medium.  If I eat around 1500 calories, no matter what it is, I feel hungry and the need to eat more.  If I eat around 700 calories, I'm full and don't want to eat more, so I have to force myself to but almost never get there.  Going to the gym helps keep my weight stable, but I'm nowhere near where I intended to be at this point.  I'm so tired of being in the 200+ lb range.  Yeah.  I'm proud because my scrubs are significantly smaller than the last set I bought.  I'm proud that my pant size is at least 3 sizes smaller than I started, if not more (not sure because my pants were tight when I started and I was probably in a larger size than I was wearing).  I'm proud of the almost 50 lbs I've lost.  But I'm not proud of the fact that I can't control my eating.  I'm not proud of the fact that I haven't lost a single pound yet this month.  I'm not proud of the fact that I could have been at my goal weight by now if I'd just tried harder when I started trying.  I'm not proud of the fact that I have almost self-imposed plateaus.  I'm not proud of my apparent lack of self control.  I want to be a healthy weight.  I want to have the body I always dreamed of.

I want to finally see a 1 in the front of my weight again instead of a 2.  I'm hoping that getting back to school and having something to do 4 days a week will help.  More than anything I hope this.  I want to get to about 190 lbs by Christmas.  I need to get to that point to feel good about my progress.  It's only 40 lbs, totally doable, but I have to stick to it.  I was hoping to have a bikini body by Spring Break in March, but now I'm scared that it won't happen.  I want to get everything I want, everything I've been told I deserve, even if I don't believe it.  I don't believe compliments, I only see flaws and assume that anyone complimenting me is just being nice.  I want to get into a mindset where I believe nice things about myself.

I want to trust people again. To not think that everyone is going to stab me in the back.  I'm so tired of crying, so tired of being sad, and so tired of over thinking.  I want to be the me I was when I was 14, the me who was confident that she'd be able to do it all without a man.  The me who was healthy.

I love all of my friends and that's why it hurts so badly when my brain tries to convince me that they don't feel the same way.  I miss feeling wanted.

This post first appeared on Time To Finally Love Becca, please read the originial post: here

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The Depression Returns


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