Days later, after the initial shock had worn down to a dull ache, my Heart began to open itself up to negotiations. I felt empty, unsettled, and unsure. There was a song that kept bringing itself to memory during that time:

Hide me now under your wings
Cover me within your mighty hand.
Find rest my soul in Christ alone
Know his power in quietness and trust.
When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with you above the storm.
Father you are king over the flood.
I will be still and know you are God.

The very one I felt had betrayed me was also the only one I knew could comfort me.
His heart was grieving with mine.
               
 “Then Jesus turned to the Twelve and asked, ‘Are you also going to leave?’ Simon Peter replied, ‘Lord, to whom would we go? You have the words that give eternal life. We believe, and we know you are the Holy One of God.’" John 6:67-68

God was asking me: “Are you going to turn your back on Me?” Lord, to whom would I go? That thought struck me with such power that I began to weep. He alone had the words of life. Anywhere else I would find only more death and devastation, nothing but hopelessness when I was so desperate for something to believe in.

God was not the author of my despair. He hadn’t given me what my heart was so desperate for only to snatch it away in some cruel test of my affection. My anger was directed at the very one Who most intimately understood and shared my pain. It was like the pain He feels when one of His creation slips away into an eternity of darkness. He never had the chance to hold them in His arms and tell them just how much He loved them.

He could identify with my loss.