I was happy to be alive Sunday morning. I was amazed that I was able to sleep each night I was going through this. Maybe it was the codeine. I was so tired at the end of the evening I had no choice but to go into this fog and try to submit to the dull aching Pain. There were painful shocks like lightning in my uterus reminding me that there was still a storm down there in the middle of my moments of relief.

I thought there was no way I could go to work Monday and pretend like nothing was wrong. I could barely sit up straight. I was on the Couch, on the bed, standing up, walking around thinking I might find a better position to relieve the pain and a better chance of expelling everything. I was still bleeding on and off. I kept thinking about the videos and guides on the pill that recommended you curl up with a few good books and movies after the procedure, oh and a hot water bottle. Pff.

I depended on the pain medicine. I only had 20 Tylenol #3 pills, they were like gold. I was so sad. I had read that a side effect of the doxycyline, the antibiotic, was depression.Whatever it was, whether not having anyone to talk to about this, feeling rejected by my doctors and medical professionals at the Catholic hospital, feeling lied to by the folks at Planned Parenthood, all this amounted to some horrible thoughts. I still feel I deserve this suffering.

I spent the day in bed, on the couch, medicated, pretending I was ok when my family called, and crying when my boyfriend came home from work. I felt like I made the biggest most painful mistake of my life. I still don’t know if that means I shouldn’t have aborted or if I should have gone through the Surgical Abortion instead.

I am still so confused about this. I thought I would avoid the trauma of surgery, the possibility of perforating the uterus, of tools and aspiration machines. Ughh. But I have to say, this Sunday, I felt I would do the surgical abortion in an instant had I known the effects that this pill would bring upon me.