Growing up I never questioned why I didn’t have a Mother or father for that matter. I mean sure before the age of about 7 I probably had a question or two. But I can honestly say after that I didn’t lose any sleep about it. As crazy as it sounds, I never spent my nights awake asking why she had abandoned me. I never questioned if it had been different how my life would be. I never wanted to tell her Happy Mothers Day. It was never like the tv shows you see, sobbing kid etc. I never wanted her. As sad as it sounds, its something I never had. When you don’t have something, how are you supposed to miss the feeling? I never knew the feeling, until now.
I feel this huge emptiness, not for the reasons one may think. November 4th, 2011 my life completely changed for the better. I gave birth to the world’s most amazing boy, Ezrah Ramsis. Everytime I look at that sweet boy, I see Love. I don’t know how someone could ever give that up. We all have options in this life, but giving up on my child would never be one of them. When he tells me he loves me, my heart melts.
Now I lay up thinking how could she abandon us? Now I ask would HER life be different if she had kept us with her. Unfortunately, Mothers Day does come around, but I still feel no need to tell her Happy Mothers Day. I will save that for the Woman in my life that deserve it. Such as my sister, my aunt and the lady that became twice the woman my biological mother would ever be, my grandma.
I may not know much about the lady that gave birth to me. I have spoken to her in my adult life, it didn’t end the way I’d like and it only lasted about a month. However, I never got to ask her all the questions I had. I never intend too. The fact that I will never have to answer those type of questions, makes me content enough. I thank God all the time for what he has given me. The chance to be the mother I never knew there could be. My son will never lose sleep wondering if I love him. My son will never grow up with that doubt.
Sometimes you wonder why me? But when you finally see the bigger picture, you will realize why me. I think I went through what I did so that I could become the best mom to my son. So I could teach him how to be a man and take care of his responsibilities. You may think the grass in greener on the other side, but did you ever question if maybe the other side was in fact your future? Life has a funny way of giving us what we never had. I didn’t get a mother directly, but I get to be a great mother. What can be better than that? I mean have you seen my little man??? Count it all as a blessing, although you don’t understand it, just know God has a plan.
