This year has been a tough one for me, but there's definitely light at the end of the tunnel. The one person I give the most credit to getting me through has been my best friend Fai. She has supported me through everything while her own personal journey has not been an easy one at all.
Today, Fai is my guest blogger. Her story is fascinating and one that should definitely be shared. It's raw and honest and I think it will help a lot of people.
So here is to my beautiful best friend and her story below...
Today, Fai is my guest blogger. Her story is fascinating and one that should definitely be shared. It's raw and honest and I think it will help a lot of people.
So here is to my beautiful best friend and her story below...
Wow..okay I can’t believe I am actually writing this. Before I start, let me take a moment to tell you a little about myself and the reasons I chose to share my Story. Im not a popular girl, I don’t have an overaly loud personality and I didn’t come from a rich family. I come from a somewhat humble background. People mostly consider me the “sweet” girl, the “put together girl”. I am always smiling and very motivated and I am overly caring. So how can a “normalish” girl like myself end up in a relationship filled with violence and abuse and no one had a clue for years? Unfortunately my story is a common one. The reason why I wanted to share this is because I know that there are plenty of women out there who suffer abuse from their partners and live in fear and silence. Hopefully my story can inspire you to know that this isn’t normal and that you deserve more, to make a true change, recover and most importantly trust again.
Lets go back a bit. For the sake of privacy, I met Mr Wrong ( Mr W) when I was 22 years old. Fresh out of a relationship that had no physical chemistry, I was taken aback by his beauty, those stunning blue eyes, his big arms and his impeccable dress sense. I was a receptionist and he had an office in the same building. The whole setting was something out of a movie. Mr W showed no fear in everything he did and his confidence was electrifying to say the least. After some coffees and flirting, I found myself hopelessly in Love and obsessed. After a year of casual dating and no commitment on his part, I decided even though I was so in love, this relationship was just physical. It killed me but I wanted to move on. I stopped speaking to him altogether. His reaction was something I did not expect. He became obsessed with wanting to have a relationship with me. He messaged and called me every couple of minutes. Promising me the world. He even showed up to my work a number of times. These were the first warning signs that I chose to ignore. I thought, he actually loves me. He is so sweet, all this attention…finally and red roses to my work. I gave in. I was on cloud nine that I finally got the man I was in love with and he loved me back, or so I thought. Not having much experience in relationships before, I liked the fact that this was different and wasn’t typical. After all, many good girls fall for bad boys and I thought to myself, finally it’s my turn!
After a couple of good weeks, I noticed that he was eager for me to move in with him. He wanted to spend more time with me. Wanted to know more about my day and what I was doing. I was happy that he showed some interest. Compared to how he used to be. I thought, this is him showing commitment.
Being two very passionate people generally, we both had a nasty temper. Soon after our holiday period, where he took me to Hawaii things got really bad. We ended up arguing a lot and I would be so mad at him yelling, I would push him away and that’s when he reacted. The first time he put his hands on me, I didn’t believe it happened. Spiritually, I knew it was wrong and in my mind, I kept saying “I'm done”. I would run out of his place and leave. Only to be bombarded with apologises and false promises. When the person you love hits you, for some reason you want their approval. The best way I can describe how I felt was if a mother hits her child, yells and is mad, the child tries to gain love from their mother. Acceptance of “I did something wrong, but please don’t hit me”. Why didn’t I leave then? I was stupidly in love and believed his lies and that it wouldn’t happen again.
Two years of living together and the situation got worse. From his reactions of me pushing him, to being pushed in a normal argument without me even touching him, to being punched while driving and dragged by my hair across the apartment. Normally, after he would lay his hands on me, he would try and take care of me. Giving me ice packs and constantly telling me that I blacked out and fell, that it was all my fault and he never touched me. I wondered if he actually believed his lies. I was stupid enough to believe it even though deep down inside I knew I was lying to myself. He would ask me to cover up bruises, maybe a way for him not to believe what he did? Who knows?
Why do we stay in such violent, controlling horrible relationships? Is there a way to see the signs? Can this be avoided? The truth is that many women in domestic violence relationships feel alone, misunderstood and really embarrassed. Its so much easier to pretend to be happy than to actually really try and be happy. I found myself convincing myself why I should stay and not leave. He hasn’t cheated on me, he actually wants to marry me, I have invested so much time…maybe this will stop when we are married and if we have kids? It's better than being single? There you have it. These days being single and in your late 20’s is classified as if something is wrong with you. The truth is, I used to also judge women if they were older and single and I had a boyfriend. You somewhat think you are “better” because you’re in a relationship. This is the biggest load of crap ever! Good people get screwed over as well as those who screw others over.
I was with Mr W for 5 years and living with him for 2 years. Every time I wanted to move out, something would stop me. I would hold myself back. When you’re already so stressed about all the violence and arguments, how could I possibly organise to move? Find a new place and start over? That’s too much hard work. I might as well just stay. Then one day enough was enough. Mr W and I had an argument one night. Out of nowhere, he walked up the hallway, came back and started punching my arm. I locked myself in the bathroom and I finally did it. I called the police. The next couple of hours changed my life. I had to leave the premises and within a couple of hours, I knew from that point I had lost the love of my life and I had no one. The police were great, coming from a good place but after I gave my statement, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go ahead with it all. I still didn’t want to lose him. I know…how ridiculous. Then I made another decision. He isn’t worth this. I got a booklet from the police called “Charmed and Dangerous”. I decided to get counselling and hypnotherapy and I finally saw my life without him. That’s when the real change occurred. When you can actually picture your life without the stress, the abuse and focus on being free and happy.
How did I suddenly change? Well the awful truth is no one can pressure you into leaving a relationship when you are so in love. You will leave when you are readyand make the decision to be happy. So many people were telling me how bad the relationship was; friends, family, the psychologist and police and I really didn’t want to listen. They didn’t know Mr W. They didn’t know he could be loving, sweet and caring. They didn’t know all the nice things he had done and they surely didn’t know me that well either. It occurred to me that they didn’t need to know him or understand him. The hitting and abuse was all a form of control. That’s it. It wasn’t love. He broke one of the most trustworthy elements of a relationship. There isn’t any recovering from that.
The reason why I am sharing this story with you all is because I want all those women out there who feel embarrassed, misunderstood, living in fear and controlled by their partners to know a change can happen. Things can and will improve but you have to make the decision and focus on wanting something better. If somebody told me 6 months ago that I would be writing my story, broken up with Mr W and living independently again, I would have never believed it. Do I still think about him and the “what ifs”? Of course! We’re all human and that’s a natural part of breaking up. Do I miss the good times? Yes, but then I think about the cost of those times.
When I was in this abusive relationship, I would continually search the net, trying to find answers, trying to overwrite my brain with facts, not the lies that I told myself. Women are creatures of strength, power and unconditional love. Our focus and what we choose to focus on can make a world of difference. Yes, you will be alone for a while and it will suck. You will cry and you will try and get back with him, but the more you commit to yourself that you are worth more, that you are more secure than he will ever be, the more you will see your life without that one toxic person. Its short term pain for long term gain as they say. This is your life and you should be in control. Be with someone who adds value to your life, but before you can do that, be with yourself. My belief is that confidence attracts confidence, insecurity attracts insecurity. I was insecure, unstable and just wanted to be loved. Didn’t care how I was treated. Would I go back to Mr W?…..Never! I will always love a part of him but I will never risk my safety and happiness. Its been hard for me to even talk to friends about this, but I am at a place now where I believe the right help and commitment to your self and believing that you are worth more is just a the first step to your new and improved life.
