Every week, the topic of what my blog post will be about hangs over my all head until I come up with it. I don’t mind writing a blog post weekly but until I figure out what the topic will be, the nagging feeling of needing a topic follows me around until I do. Once I square it away, I can at least mentally check it off the list. Although, the next challenge is always figuring out when exactly I’m going to carve out time to write it.

This week was sort of an abundance of riches. I had two post ideas in my back pocket. My first idea was to write about my wardrobe plan for fall which I knew was going to be ambitious to work on. Last week was one of those weeks where each day would end and not one thing I had planned to get done got done, and where on most days I didn’t actually start on the things I had wanted to do until 3 pm. You know those weeks. This is also why I watch tv in the evenings with my laptop and work every Saturday without complaint— people leave me the heck alone. These are the few uninterrupted hours I get, and they’re heavenly. My other blog topic came to me after my session with my client Mrs. Manifold. Remember her? Everyone loved Mrs. Manifold.

How Mrs. Manifold Learned to Have Fun with Fashion

You have to read the post I wrote here. It’s not that I told this huge story about her or shared much about her wardrobe or life, but my conversation with her inspired a post that is still one of my favorite things I have ever written and about how women have a history of erasing parts of themselves to fit into preconceived images of who they are expected to be and how they are expected to look. It was a gloves-off post that took a firm punch at Fashion but also looked women square in the eyes for their own lack of certitude.

Of course, everyone was hopeful for a play-by-play of what would happen with Mrs. Manifold. Who wouldn’t be? In terms of a dream client, a former roadie turned flower farmer who now lives in the middle of Iowa? This is the stuff of stylists’ dreams. Even writing former roadie turned flower farmer living in Iowa sends my brain into autopilot and it starts concocting looks. But, alas, my time with Mrs. Manifold was actually quite short-lived. It didn’t wind up becoming this long drawn-out journey of me figuring out how to curate looks that juxtaposed badass with elegant, or urban leather with rural farmhand. There were no high-end looks accessorized with red lippy and distressed work boots (God, that would have been amazing), and none of that ever came to be.

When I met Mrs. Manifold for our first session, I was impressed by her working knowledge of fashion that came from sewing and knitting and interest. By comparison, her Style was…decent. She had recently lost a decent amount of weight, was getting used to her body again, and seemed lost in clothes that were too big, a bit frumpy, and generally not her. There was just a disconnect. I wouldn’t say she had a frustration with shopping and buying clothes for herself, but more of an apathy about it, like an, “eh” feeling. If would be similar to that friend you might ask if they were experiencing depression. “Eh.” Yet when Mrs. Manifold would speak about fashion in the general sense, she would light up and become quite conversant about it. I could tell immediately she had been looking at things, studying what she was attracted to, learning about different styles, and even sharing looks she would enjoy wearing. I gave her my feedback on her wardrobe and instead of enlisting more involvement from me, at that point, Mrs. Manifold requested she take some time with my notes and do some work independently.

It had been more than six months since I heard from Mrs. Manifold and then, out of the blue, she emailed me for a follow-up appointment. She sent over photos for her session and the morning of our appointment, I opened up the presentation Rachel, my assistant, prepared and it basically slapped me in the face. Staring back at me was this strong, bold woman with a point of view, presence, and looking exactly like the person I thought I was going to meet after the first conversation I had with her over the phone.
A few hours later we got on the phone. Given her down-to-earth nature, my first words out of my mouth I think were something like, “so, um, what the f*ck?”

As Mrs. Manifold’s and I talked about how her style shifted, she mentioned that she’d been having a lot of fun with her wardrobe and her comment stuck in my mind because she’s not the first client I’ve heard say this. I hear it pretty often actually during similar points in other clients’ shifts, and it got me wondering what happens in that exact moment when all my clients shift and shopping and getting dressed goes from being difficult, frustrating, and challenging, to being fun, enjoyable, and pleasurable.

I went back and connected the consistencies between each and every client who seemed to turn that point and for each one it was the same. It was simply a matter of confidence and self-trust and leaning into that.

The second fashion became fun for Mrs. Manifold was the same moment she decided that she was no longer going to be erased from her style. She leaned in hard, became unapologetic, embraced herself, and celebrated it. Most importantly, she trusted it. She bought clothes that aligned with herself authentically, cut up and remade her old clothes into things she liked, and, most importantly, erased the stuff that didn’t belong. She did it without question, without emotion, and because she stood firm without ambiguity.

Are You a Fashion Victim Without Even Realizing It?

I could beat around the bush or I could come right out and say it and, quite frankly, you’re too smart and I’m too tired of sugar-coating it. So I’m just going to rip the Band-Aid off. if you want fashion to be less of a chore, stop being a victim. I’m sure you have heard the term fashion victim before, but I bet you didn’t think you were acting like one. Well, if being a fashion victim is hard to hear, you might need to take a little personal inventory.

Okay, breathe, take take a few calming breaths before you x out of this post. Don’t stop reading. If you got a bit perturbed, keep reading because there is usually some truth in what bothers us most.

Let’s consider victimization for a moment. Victims feel powerless and as if they are without agency to make their own decisions. They tend to second guess themselves, give their power away, and can lack inner boundaries, Victims do not feel like they are in control and sometimes don’t even realize they have the power to take control of the situation.

Victims:

Often second guess themselves
Overthink
Trust other people’s opinions more than their own
Tend to undervalue their own experiences over the experiences of others
Avoid speaking up
Can be controlling
Tende to be self-critical
Fail to see their own worth

Now, think about how you approach shopping and getting dressed. Do you question yourself? Do you overthink things about your wardrobe choices? Do you ask everyone for opinions on outfits before trusting your own? Does it take forever to get rid of something from your closet even though it hasn’t seen the light of day in years and, if you’re honest, you don’t even like it that much? Do you wonder about having to give up a trend that might be fading because you still sort of like them? Are you stymied why you have no real sense of your own style despite the fact that you have looked tirelessly for it? Are you stuck in the minutiae of fashion details?

Need I say more?

Now before you start preparing your argument because I know what you are going to say. You’re getting ready to rattle off how it’s fashion’s fault as to why you’re always riddled with questions, frustration, and doubt. And I want you to stop. Right now. Stop. First of all, by doing that you just made yourself a victim but secondly, because you are in the pivotal moment, right now, where you can either become the victim or be the person who takes control.

Here are some distinctions:

Everyone knows that fashion needs to get its head out of its ass, but not everyone allows it to make them second guess their decisions.

The person who enjoys fashion, and I mean healthy pleasure —not the “I just bought this 75h pair of pumps” sickness pleasure — is the person who gets that the world of fashion has its own work to do but also thinks, “not my pig, not my farm” and focuses what they can control. The person who doesn’t enjoy fashion feels powerless against all the things fashion needs to work on.

The person who takes pleasure in fashion sees a trend coming and if they don’t like the trend thinks, “eh, not for me” and knows something else is out there. The person who doesn’t like it wonders if they have to go out and buy it and evolve their wardrobe yet again to make room for it.

The person who found their style found it because they trusted themselves. The person who hasn’t found their style yet wouldn’t trust it even if they did.

The person who enjoys fashion shows up in an outfit. The person who finds fashion challenging asks everyone to weigh on their outfit first and then shows up where they need to be.

The person who finds fashion fun trusts their gut. The person who finds fashion painstaking relies heavily on formulas and directions as gospel vs. helpful guideposts to reference.

Do you see what I am getting at?

Here’s what I am saying. Fashion is never going to change monumentally enough to ever move the needle in any significant way to cater to your needs. You’re never going to read enough books on the topic nor is that extra inch of fabric on the hem of your pants ever going to solve the mystery of your wardrobe forever and ever until the end of time. If you spend your life thinking that something outside of yourself is going to finally go to click and fix things is never going to happen and, worse, will leave you at the mercy of a very fickle industry. There is no solution out there that is going to change how difficult or frustrating you find fashion and getting dressed until you change how you approach it.

Living In The Solution vs. Living In The Problem

Does this mean I am trying to put myself out of business? That’s funny. No. Confidence only takes you so far, right? People don’t get into college solely on confidence. Instead, it’s a balance of confidence and self-trust along with proactive problem-solving. Have you ever met someone who lives in the problem? I stay away from those people. They make Debbie Downer seem like she just took a mega dose of Ecstasy. On the other side, you have people who live in the solution. People who live in the solution are always working towards a solution whenever a problem arises. These are my people. So, when I talk about being confident with your wardrobe, this doesn’t mean you self-isolate like some sort of fashion-Thoreau and go at it alone and never ask for help again. It means you live in the solution which can include asking for help…productively. Living in the solution probably doesn’t mean holding a quorum with your equally unqualified tipsy girlfriends on which blouse to wear to a huge c-suite interview. Living in the solution also does not mean following a 20-year-old on Instagram for fashion tips when you are 45 years old and then complaining about it when the clothes you order at her recommendation don’t fit. These aren’t even in the realm of productive solutions.

So as I close, just know this, and please hear me because there isn’t one woman on the planet who should ever stare into the abyss of her closet again hemming and hawing over whether she should get rid of a stupid pair of pants with the tags still on them that she doesn’t even like and be racked with guilt because she never wore them. (Throw that shit out.) Just like no woman should ever wonder whether or not she should wear pants that are becoming trendy that she doesn’t even care for, or whether to tuck or not tuck a shirt. You’re a grown-ass woman and it’s you who is driving the car. Now stop whining, tuck your shirt in, or don’t, it’s up to you, and get dressed. You have actual things to do.

The post IF FASHION, STYLE AND SHOPPING AREN’T FUN, YOU ARE MISSING THIS CRITICAL COMPONENT appeared first on Bridgette Raes Style Expert.