Hi guys!
For a while now I've wanted to do a post about my tiring journey with Anxiety. This is something that's always been difficult for me to talk about, but in light of recent personal events, I think now is the right time.
I recently left my job in retail (i worked at Dunelm for 3 years!). As the 3 year mark was creeping around and my anxiety had never been worse, I thought a change in job would make all the difference. My thought process was, if I find a less face-to-face contact kinda job, I might not worry about my day so much. I might not wake up feeling sick. I'd be able to go to work each day and come home without being a shaken-up, traumatised mess.
I have high functioning anxiety. Usually triggered by loud, overwhelming noises, large crowds and traffic, it had become quite debilitating.
This all started at the age of 4. Yes. Four years old.
When I started nursery School I was diagnosed with separation anxiety. Each morning before school I was physically sick, I'd be exhausted from being up all night thinking and I often got sent home from school "ill" (99% of the time it was panic attacks). This went on well into my primary school years.
During year 5 at primary school, me and my parents moved to Australia. Briefly. After a few months we came back to the UK (for several reasons I won't go into).
So, on my timeline of anxiety, we're now at aged 12. The big move to secondary school was upon me. I wasn't very bothered, I had my friends around me and it was the first time in our lives where we're allowed to feel a bit more like adults. But my anxiety was still in full effect, even when things needn't of been worried about, or if I actually wasn't worried at all, I still found the time to panic. Aged 12 was when I was diagnosed with clinical depression. I received both home visits and counselling in school. All in all, I felt very alone and I was definitely embarrassed. Most of the time I had no clue what was going on around me, and I didn't know why I felt so numb. And at the time, I didn't even know what depression was. I just remember those daunting school mornings when I wouldn't move from my bed, and when I did, I found myself crying while trying to brush my teeth.
Long story short, I've had a scary battle with depression now for 7 years, making it twice as hard to cope with the anxiety. Before depression, I had a little more motivation to turn my life around, whereas now, some days I couldn't care less and I let it swamp my body.
At the moment everything is controlled. I'm taking medication. I'm currently transitioning from Mirtazapine to Fluoxetine (the only antidepressant i'm yet to try, so fingers crossed this one gives me some relief.) And I'm on the waiting list for exposure therapy (a form of CBT).
So, if you're struggling, please remember, there is always going to be somebody somewhere going through what you're going through. And there's probably more people around you suffering from mental illness than you think. A lot of people cope well, or prefer not to let it show. But take it from me, finding somebody who you can trust and confide in takes a load off your shoulders. Whether it's a significant other, a parent, friend or medical professional. Whether you think there's no help out there for you. It's always worth asking, it's always worth speaking up. At one point recently I was 100% certain that my brain had malfunctioned at some point in my life and that there would be no fixing the mess that is me. But after doing some soul searching and chatting to friends and family, I can see the end of the scarily long, dark tunnel. It might be a long way away, but every time it gets hard, and you overcome each obstacle, it's you getting stronger, because if you weren't getting stronger, you'd still be sat behind that very first obstacle wondering what you're meant to do.
I'm not a medical professional, and by no means do I know everything there is to know about mental illness, but I'm a long time sufferer, and if you need somebody fresh to chat to, please do chat to me! You can find me on twitter @peachmilkshakes, so don't be shy and definitely don't be scared. I hope to hear from some of you!
ttyl, peachy x
