I recently turned 16, Scribblers. (: I fell sick around the same time, but I guess it was my body's gift/wake-up call of a peaceful respite coupled with an order to reprioritize my life for some sleep.
| Vegan picnic with Jessie! The video will be out shortly, consider this blog post a teaser. |
Which I have an issue with. But I have been furiously trying to sort out other things in my life in the meantime. For example, my life purpose.
It's been so long since I've written, loves, and I'll admit my spirits have been a little low lately.
I guess I had just expected life to have fallen a little more in line by the time I was sixteen.
I just assumed that the hclf vegan lifestyle would "work" on me by now, so that I could tell people that they could eat without restriction their favorite high carb vegan foods without looking like evidence against myself.
I just assumed that I would have more of an audience in a year of dedication, just because I have a fervent passion for pushing my voice out there.... I want to be heard. I want to make a difference in people's lives.
| Jessie and I, captured by a random little boy (there's a story behind that). |
I want girls (and boys) to realize that eating disorders are not the better choice. I want everyone to realize that girls aren't inferior to boys. I want the starving nations to be fed with the grain that is mindlessly chucked towards the livestock industry. I want meat eaters to wake up and realize what goes on behind the slaughterhouse walls. I want the rich to give to the poor. I want the world to stop its cruelty.
But I realize how negatively selfish it all seems, thinking that because my life isn't perfect, the world is failing. It's a teenage mood swing, haha sorry. (Note to self: don't blog when feeling down.)
No one wants to hear the negativity spew out of a spirit usually cheerful, and even I realize how counterintuitive this all is. What good is complaining to an audience going to do me? I already chew my mother's ear off with all my whining, and rant to my closest friends... But it still does nothing but rile me up more.
So, I recently went to go see War Room with a few new Christian friends from school, and as the entire movie was reducing me to emotions because of how deeply it resonated... One line in particular stood out to me: "My happiness doesn't come from my marriage or my family or my job anymore, it comes from Jesus."
And then today in church the pastor's message was an answer to my desperate question to Jessie (vegan friend of ColGA) and my father: "How do I make a change in the world?"
God had a really great answer, but first, onto my panicky demands last night. I texted Jessie:
"Sometimes I feel like I’m fighting a losing battle.
Like, there are always going to be girls that would much rather have an eating disorder than be “fat.”
There are people that shrug off the cruelty behind meat, “I’d rather not think about it.”
There are still misogynsts. People still think that they have dominance over others by stupid innate qualities.
It’s just frustrating to Realize that sometimes people won’t see what you know, and it scares you because you think that you’re the one in the wrong, trying to help people, trying to fight for the underling. Conformity is what we have been taught, so the popular opinion is “right” even when the minority is what compassion really is.
But in order to communicate compassion, people think we come on too aggressive, but really we just can’t stand the hypocrisy anymore and we don’t know how to convey it all.
🌾 effective as the wind, maybe? the wind and the water. 🌊 together they have shaped the earth. from its original sphere it was constructed as, to sights and wonders across the world that humans recognize the importance of preserving. the grand canyon is the rut created by the colorado river. over however many hundreds of years. its so discouraging to think of it that way, though. i’m an impatient being, and that’s where i love you for balancing me out. but if we take the wonders of the world, the creations built on wind and water vs. the creations built on cruelty, the erroded nature wins. the berlin wall was torn down, the protesting graffiti lines the borders between rebellious nation states, the wall of china was built on the bones of its exhausted construction workers. cruelty won’t prevail. but erosion takes time to happen, and lasts against the test of time."
I just want to do so much more for the world. And I was stumped at how to do it last night as I sat down with my dad. He told me to think of Mother Theresa. (Not that I'm at all elevating myself to her level, she's just a great role model.) She started small, and made the impact where she saw a personal opportunity. And look at the ripples she has created. Look at the orphanages.
I went to bed just praying, "God, show me how You want me to fight the suffering." (noun, not adjective)
And today in church, he showed me. The preacher called to mind the "city on a hill" example, the "light in the dark world." He stressed: If God is not behind your cause, try as you might... Humans can achieve nothing alone.
What I've gathered is:
1. I have to stop getting sad so easily. I need a daily dose of the Lord's happiness. I need to feel God's presence every single day. Or else the Devil will come after me and bring to mind my fears and insecurities in order to disarm my happiness, my drive to make a difference in lives. He still will every single day, but in order to keep consciously aware of what is good and what is bad, I need to awaken the Spirit that lives inside me every day. That means just a little prayer or Scripture or worship song every single day.
2. I have to ask God to back me up. Rawvana is one of my favorite vegan bloggers. She's fully raw, and she is one to always give the glory to God. Her account was hacked one day, and she told us after the ordeal that she was scared but she knew that if this blogging thing were to crumble, it'd be in God's hands. Maybe blogging is the thing that God wants me to use to spread light. Maybe not. I have to ask and be led.
3. As for now, I really need to just let go. But then again, that's something I've been telling myself all sixteen years. Is the time that I listen any closer?
Here are the CAROB PUMPKIN OATCAKES that are featured in our picnic video, up soon!
I used a date Carob sauce as "icing!" Just dates, carob powder, and water - mess with ratios to preference!
