I just got around to watching 2008's The Ruins this past week. My choice was guided by ego and spurred by rants. I’m not proud.

I hadn’t heard kind things so had previously skipped seeing The Ruins. It wasn’t until a friend recently ripped it apart that I decided to see it. Why? To argue, intelligently, that it wasn’t that bad. See, a few recent recommendations by me had fallen flat, but it wasn’t that my friend just didn’t like them. It was that my recommendations had elicited rants of disapproval. From my recommendations? Why I never!

In fairness, he had ranted about other movies I had recommended before, most memorably Donnie Darko and Cloverfield. With Donnie Darko, he felt the movie insulted his intelligence, and he found the movie filled with self congratulatory “cleverness” written for a naïve and juvenile audience that hadn’t seen many sci-fi or horror movies. I think it maintains an even, melancholic spookiness and it completely worked for me -- I didn't get a sense of condescension at all.

Why do I care? Because I’m a horror movie nerd, and when someone rants at a movie I recommend, or, even worse, a movie I say is scary, I take it as a personal insult of my Horror Movie Nerd Skill (HMNS). What is HMNS? It’s that ridiculous, self-indulgent and self righteousness arrogance most of us horror movie folks harbor deep inside that allows us to kid ourselves that we can differentiate well-crafted horror from crap.

Donnie Darko and Cloverfield, though, often draw split reactions, and it's not like I'm alone in liking those two. The rants that hit my ego the most, however, are against my casual, “Hey, I watched fill-in-the-blank the other day and it was kind of scary,” recommendations. Those ones feel  personal.

The two movies that ultimately brought me to The Ruins were 2014’s Last Shift and 2006’s Turistas. Neither were great, but I found the underwater cave scenes in Turistas terrifying and enjoyed the rapid fire pacing of The Last Shift.

My friend’s reaction to Turistas caught me off guard. He not only hated the movie but found it boring. Yes. I said boring.  Plus, while I found some character choices believable, although not smart or inspired, he found them idiotic. AND he felt the movie betrayed an essential tenet of horror - no hope of escape, no tension.  In his words, “You just sit around waiting for clueless people to die.” I was becoming defensive about my HMNS. Still, the movie really wasn’t good enough to defend, so I grumbled and let it go.

With The Last Shift, he had an overall favorable impression at first, and though he didn’t like it nearly as much as me, he didn’t hate it … until the end. Here is an an actual excerpt from an email rant I received:

The honor of my HMNS had been sullied. I didn't mind the end.

This same

 friend’s take on The Ruins was that it again fell into the dumb-people-waiting-to-die category. Ha! Written by Scott Smith, the clever writer of A Simple Plan for which he won an Academy Award, my friend (and tons of other people) surely must have missed something. With my insightful viewing I would redeem my HMNS. I would discover the genius of this movie that my friend missed.

So the movie begins: talking talking talking talking -- pool, drinking, talking, snarkiness, talking. Twenty minutes to find out one of the two couples are growing apart. Um, that’s something, right?

Listen, I’m not against a controlled slow build to establish mood and character. I recently watched 2007’s The Orphanage, the Spanish ghost story directed by J. A. Bayona (and Guillermo del Toro as executive producer). There is a slow build there, but it’s intentional. It's artful. It works. Here, it’s 22-year-olds partying at a Mexican resort. I got nothing against them. They just aren’t interesting to me.

But wait. This was written by Scott Smith. It will get better.

A-ha. They’ve introduced a character I like, the German Mathias. While it is awkward and implausible this stranger is invited to hang with our two couples, it's not impossible. I bet he turns out to be important. The story is moving now. Their new friend Mathias is going to take them to an unknown Mayan temple. Let’s go. Okay, move past my irritation that Amy is complaining that she wore flip flops and she is surprised there is any hiking involved. Let it go. But, she was going to a secret archaeological site in the Mexican jungle … let it go. I need a break.

My Beer selection with The Ruins is an amber beer from Italy, G. Menabrea e Figli 150° Anniversario.  Why this beer instead of a Mexican selection? Because it was recommended  to me by a fellow beer enthusiast I trust as a top pick amber, and the whole "recommendation" thing is kinda the theme. AND... I don't personally like it, especially that tinny aftertaste and sour finish. Of course I didn't know I wouldn't like it, but then I didn't know I would find myself shaking my head so many, many times throughout this movie. It's not terrible. I can find positive points to the off-the-mark recommendation -- after all, it is beer. I'm stronger now. Let's find the "beer" to this movie.

Back at The Ruins

So we're getting past the talking, and we’ve got one interesting character, Mathias, who is going to do cool things, and, what…. his back is broken? The adventure is just getting started. He’s just going to lay on a makeshift backboard until he dies? No, that can't be. OHHH! Clever! He’s going to provide bravery and wisdom and become a true hero by helping them cleverly solve their predicament! He’s going to do big …. Oh. He’s dead. Never mind.

I still don’t care much about these characters, but we now have a killer vine. A Killer vine that mimics sounds. I actually do like that. A real, honest to goodness monster.

Problem is, when I see the vine I think of an old anthology movie, 1964’s Dr. Terror’s House of Horrors which had a particularly silly vinette (get it, vine-ette?)  where a killer vine terrorizes a household. Every time I see that Mayan vine going for a tasty foot, I think of Dr. Terror and begin laughing. Crud.

Over the top gore effects that bring me out of the movie. Stupid choices. Irritating bickering. Bring it on. I'm undaunted. I’m going to finish this and I'm going to justify my time doing so.

So here I am. Turns out the last ten minutes are actually exciting. Sadly, the couple trouble that was so painfully introduced at the beginning really didn’t factor into the overall story, but so what? These hapless students weren’t just waiting to die. See? There. Amy escapes in a legitimately clever plan, flip flops and all. 

I bet my friend never even made it that far.

I didn't hate this movie once I got past the chatty beginning, but it misses the mark. I liked the idea of a vine that mimics sound, but if I'm going to argue the virtues of a movie, I'm afraid it won't be for this one. Also, my friend is right about tension in a movie needing hope of success. The end of The Ruins is engaging because they take action rather than waiting. Turns out waiting around isn't that exciting.

The Ruins could have been a great a low budget 1970s drive-in flick. I would have approached it with lower expectations. The pedigree of the writers and producers, unfortunately, put this movie in an unfair position, since the viewer comes in expecting great things.

So What Did I Learn?

I learned I can't take rants against my movie recommendations personally. I learned moaning vines make me laugh. I learned even a beer connoisseur can recommend a beer I don't like. 

And most importantly, I learned even a disappointing beer is still a beer. Wait. I already knew that.