I decided that I couldn't have a romantic Relationship with my husband anymore. I told him. He freaked out. I hate that because it makes me doubt myself. At first the reason I stayed with my ex every time was because he'd throw the biggest fit over me leaving and he'd beg....literally beg me to stay. I always think, if THAT'S the reaction to me leaving then he must feel something, the love must be real. I'm trying not to have that reaction now, because that relationship taught me that having a strong reaction to someone leaving doesn't mean they love you or want you.

We had no real discussion. I wanted one, that's why I even said anything. I don't know what our relationship should be and how everything should work. I don't want this to be it, I can't imagine my life without him. But... just too many lies for me to believe that he actually is in love with me, respects me or even wants me. It's just so clear to me that I'm not what he wants. His actions are speaking much louder and clearer than his words. It hurts. I never would have gotten married if I didn't 100% believe him and I would be forever. But really, I should've ended things after the first time I found out he was talking to someone else inappropriately and lying to me about it. Then it'd be a clean break. Maybe I'm a fool for thinking people can change like that.

I want to tell the whole story because he obviously doesn't feel like this is his fault. He says "it takes two" and that's true. I never said I was perfect. I was honest about all my shortcomings and feelings and thoughts. I was about about what I wanted and didn't want. He can't say the same thing. Apparently he can't say anything outside of superficial bullshit to me. He can't tell me what he thinks or feels, his hopes and dreams or fears. He can't let me into who he is. I thought I knew him and then we got married and moved in together and I realized I don't know him. And I know the same amount now as I did then. That's not true... I now know that he can and will cheat and not feel remorse, nor truly own up to it or give any kind of explanation as to why or really any details whatsoever.