Donkey: There can be no doubt that the single greatest invention in the latter half of the twentieth century, which radically altered the face of human existence forever, was the keytar. Part synthesizer, part guitar, but all rock, that baby demanded that you surrendered to the infectious power of dance while belting out the dopest beats that the human body could endure before knocking the Magnum PI mustache clean off your face. But that being said, until my petition entitled “The Final Countdown To Keytar Armageddon: Funk Me In The Ass” officially changes all records of human history, others will disagree with me and claim that a far bigger revolution has come from the rise in prominence of the Internet. Among many other things, it has changed the way that we socialize, communicate, and digest our news. Hell, without the Internet I’d just be some asshole on a street corner, shouting to anyone who would listen about the soul-saving powers of JCVD’s ball cleavage.

One of the biggest changes that the Internet has facilitated has to do with the availability of porn. I know that the youth of today won’t be able to relate, what with being able to type “gardening tips” into Google Images only to be assaulted with an endless parade of pictures of vagina, but back in my day things were much different. The first time I ever saw a naked woman was in the pages of a ripped up Playboy that had been discarded in a vacant lot just a few blocks from my elementary school. And while we’re on that subject, why was there always at least one porno mag in a field by a school? I’ve asked all kinds of friends around my age who come from all kinds of different cities, and we’ve all had the same experience. Who the fuck was distributing these magazines like some weird Johnny BonerSeed? Well whoever you were, I salute you, you magnificent bastard! And the only other reliable avenue of nudity available for someone too young to actually buy porn was the Friday night skin flick on the Movie channel. Every Friday night at 1:00 AM they aired a film that’s plot revolved around little more than finding reasons for random dudes to dry hump topless chicks with a passion that will burn through the ages. And it’s one of those movies that we’re going to examine this week. So come with me, if you will, as we journey back to bygone era of repressed sexual confusion.

The Plot:

Donkey: I have no idea. There’s something about diamonds, deadly snakes, and sex-doll equipped assassins in here, but quite frankly, even after having seen this movie several times, I’m not really sure what it’s actually about. The best way for me to sum it up would be with a single word: tits! Of course, if that’s not enough detail for you, I could go into a little more detail and describe it using two words, which would be: BLLLAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH TITS!!! Just don’t ask me to up the ante to three words please, or the last one will involve me shitting my pants.

The Case for Greatness (aka The Lowlights):

Exhibit A: Is Andy Sidaris Gonna Have To Choke A Bitch?

Donkey: Our escapades this week begin with a surprise bonus, rewarded to us as a result of watching Hard Ticket To Hawaii: SPECIAL EDITION! I know what you’re thinking: “Most ‘special editions’ consists of little more than charging me 10 extra dollars for the feature film and an image gallery of the director eating a sandwich, so what’s so special about this one?” Well it’s pretty much like that, but in this case the sandwich tastes an awful lot like herpes, as the movie starts with a brief introductory retrospective hosted by Andy Sidaris, the producer/director/writer/ball-fondler of this film and Julie Strain, some random porn star that agreed to sit and absorb his mildly creepy attention and horribly patronizing compliments – I’m shitting you negative, he actually compliments her for being able to read and, amazingly, her response isn’t to tell him to go play a round of hide-and-go-fuck-yourself. With all the magic of a prostitute/john relationship, together the two of them reveal that this is the second movie in a 12 part series that Sidaris had produced before giving us the incredible in-depth insight of staring at the movie’s poster while Sidaris points out how much he’d like to awkwardly fondle the people pictured there. I’m not sure who thought that what basically amounts to sitting and listening to your grandfather talk about the people he’d put on the business end of his Viagra-fueled hard-on would be a good idea, but if there’s any justice in this world, they’re strapped to a dentist chair right now having cat piss poured in their eyes while listening to Katrina and The Waves’ Walking On Sunshine on repeat.

Exhibit B: Hello. Have You Seen My Tits Yet?

With that extra special bonus fart soufflé coming to an end, the movie itself begins with a two part prologue, opening on a yacht called the Malibu Express. Two of our main characters, Dona and Rowdy arbitrarily make out after Rowdy tries to convince Dona to turn down her reassignment to Molokai and instead stay with him on Malibu. Her thoughtful counterargument to his plea is to suddenly rip off her towel, revealing herself in what is the first of many unnecessary titty shots to come and establishing the level of intelligence that we’re going to be dealing with. And once the sounds of hot monkey love subside into the night, the film skips to the second act of our prologue on Molokai where two law enforcement officials walk onto the private property of a family infamous for growing pot, preparing to issue them their annual nominal fine to server as a gentle slap on the wrist before turning a blind eye to their operation. But when they get there, they find a whole new operation set up, run by dudes packing Uzis, the premier weapon of all villains in the 1980’s. Understandably weary, the cops decide to get the hell out of there only to be snagged and pulled up into a tree by a snare, proving this gang of criminals to have all the technological advancements of fucking Ewoks. Left hanging to be discovered like a couple of Wookies in short shorts, they’re shot dead without being asked so much as a single question. As important as all this sounds, the greatest aspect of this scene is that it has nothing to do with the rest of the movie. Nothing. Killing these cops has no consequence, and while the crime is briefly mentioned later, it has no direct effect on any single event in this film. So in other words, this film blatantly wasted 5 minutes of our lives. If only this was the only time we could make this claim…

Next the movie travels to a small airport hangar run by Molokai Cargo, filled with the finest mustache-sporting laborers that 1987 has to offer as they move around crates that have the opening credits printed on the side of them. Well, to be more specific, they have brown paper printouts of the credits taped onto the side of them. It’s a somewhat clever idea fairly poorly done, which still makes it the most brilliant aspect of this movie by a score of 184 to hotdog. But as that concludes, we bare witness to a forklift driver accidentally severing the metal straps that hold a “contaminated” sign on a very special crate. But just as our imaginations start to get the better of us and we begin shouting out our guesses as to what contaminated material lies within that crate – weapons grade plutonium? The frozen head of Walt Disney? The premier film copy of Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot? – the terrible secret is revealed: it’s a snake. But not just any snake. No, this snake is a deadly, bloodthirsty dispenser of…cancer. Yep, you read that correctly. It will later be revealed that this novelty store, rubber toy of a snake is dangerous because it’s contaminated with cancer. There just isn’t enough deodorant in this world for my taint to handle this.

After being introduced to one venomous reptile, we move on to another as Dona pulls up to a beachfront property to pick up her blonde partner, Taryn. And seeing as this movie is aimed squarely men who are either physically or mentally young enough to still consider the peek of pleasure to be rubbing the sharp cheddar factories that they call their crotch against their Thundercats bedspread, Taryn obviously stops as she runs up from the beach, arbitrarily taking off her bikini top to rinse off underneath an outdoor, tree-mounted showerhead right in front of Dona. At this rate I’m surprised that everyone in this movie doesn’t simply greet one another through an elaborate series of blowjobs. Once Taryn’s dressed, the two of them finally load into the Jeep and head off to work after yammering on about how “The Agency” wants them to be in shape at all times and giving one of history’s most awkward high fives. I have no idea what “The Agency” they’re referring to is, but from what I’ve seen so far, I think it’s fair to assume that they’re talking about an escort agency. Eventually they arrive at the Molokai Cargo hangar where their boss, a slimy middle-aged man named Dixon, assigns them the task of transporting a honeymooning couple and the crated snake via small aircraft. They load up and take off, giving us a series of long flying scenery shots while a horrible Firehouse cover band plays the Hard Ticket To Hawaii theme song. Although from what I’ve seen so far, instead of sharing the move’s title, the song should be called Dripping In My Pants (You Might Want To Get Checked): The Reprise. Eventually the plane lands in what looks to be someone’s back yard before our two blonde heroines guide their passengers down to a beach, telling the couple that they’ll be back to get them tomorrow.

While we try to figure out why in Brian Denehy’s hell a honeymooning couple would hire a cargo company to drop them off in the middle of nowhere, our attention switches to yet another yacht a short distance away, where we’re introduced very momentarily to an organized crime boss named Mr. Chang. Of course, the astute person watching this movie will notice that this man named Chang is actually a blonde white dude, so allow me to explain: he took that name after strangling his first Asian prostitute, giving him both untraceable anonymity and a moniker slightly more suited to organized crime than Chauncey Featherbottom. He stands looking like he’s about to turn on the proverbial chili tap in his tighty whities while an assist begins to fly a small toy helicopter towards the shore, officially beginning either some ill-conceived diabolical plan or the first game of Evil Fun Time.

Once the small craft actually reaches the island, it ventures into the path of our two blonde heroines, who follow it until it finally lands. Upon further inspection, they find that it is carrying two small packages inside. But before they can open them to discover their contents, two goons appear on the scene. The first is a remarkably fat dude whom we’ll refer to as the Hamsteak Philosopher, while the second is a short, mustache-emblazoned blonde runt in Bermuda shorts that we will hereby dub as the Sodomy Assassin. They burst onto the scene, raising their guns and demanding that the women freeze before just opening fire on them anyways. But our blonde heroines aren’t just wearing their Batman-like utility belts to keep their short-shorts riding so high that the home audience can easily perform a pap smear, so they respond with deadly force of their own. Taryn pulls out a set of nunchuks and throws them at the Sodomy Assassin, which is far enough away from the intended use for nunchuks that she might as well have held up an overripe banana and just wished for her assailant to die from the sheer power of love, while Dona weakly tosses a ninja star that lodges in the chest of the Hamsteak Philosopher, not quite embedding it deeply enough to puncture an artery and cause an eruption of beef gravy. So I guess these chicks are ninjas, huh? The world’s all-time shittiest ninjas, appearing just beneath Mel “The Velvet Fog” Torme on that list, but ninjas nonetheless. In all the commotion, Taryn manages to slip one of the packages into her bra, while the second one drops unnoticed in the grass just before the women flee the scene. They jump back into their plane and take off insanely quickly, apparently content to leave the young honeymooners that they dropped off within walking distance of two cranky thugs without so much as a word of warning. And as those thugs stand helplessly watching the packages they were supposed to receive fly away packed in silicone, they lament the fact that they will soon have to face their boss, Seth, empty handed. On the upside, even a merciless boss has to concede that telling any story that ends with a throwing star in your neck adds instant hilarity, making you the life of any party and giving you charisma that no diamonds could buy.

Exhibit C: Intrigue! Quick, Let’s Pull Out Our Tits!

We catch up with our heroines again moments later, as they once again land their plane in what appears to be someone’s backyard before pulling it into a Denny’s parking lot. Struggling to come to grips with what the hell just happened to them, the duo decide that their best course of action is dump their snake cargo into a nearby hangar before going to the place where they do their deepest contemplating: their Jacuzzi. This is so deeply offensive to women that I’m surprised one of them didn’t remark that she can’t think straight without an anonymous penis shooting brain juice down her throat. But frankly, the entire scene only gets worse as they get into a hot tub completely topless for yet another unnecessary titty shot. Eventually they open the package that they recovered from the toy plane and discover that it contains diamonds. Realizing they’re easily identifiable, being the only women flying around the island, Dona declares that they’re in trouble and need to report to Rowdy, causing them to spring into action and jump right back out of the tub. So just to put that into context, this scene, which lasted all of 20 seconds, consisted of them jumping into a tub for the sole purpose of showing their tits, declaring that they need a man to come save them, and then jump right back out again. You’re welcome, feminists.

While the blonde tragedies tackle the hardest thinking they’ve had to do since their last encounter with a revolving door, the plot begins to thicken at a bar called Edy’s, the local spot where everyone gets together to share Pin Coladas and Valtrex prescriptions. After the brief distraction of Andy Sedaris himself trying to assure some random chick that would never actually sleep with him how much she means to him despite the fact that he tried to rape her last night, the movie finally settles its attention on a vaguely Spanish man whom we discover is the crime boss Seth Romero. When he spots his two henchmen, the Hamsteak Philosopher and the Sodomy Assassin, wandering up to the bar from the beach while looking rather dejected, he demands to know what happened. Upon hearing the story, Seth displays super-human power by somehow managing to resist the urge to laugh hysterically at the entire situation and instead quickly surmises that their skirmish was the two blonde yeast factories from Molokai Cargo. But seeing as these two have proven to be rather useless, he decides to instead send two new assassins to take care of the job.

Since our female leads have already declared themselves incapable of handling a dark Hawaiian underworld so vicious that it was turned away by throwing a set of nunchuks at it, it’s time to meet the men of steel that will save them from despair. These two monuments to penile dominance also belong to the ’87 All-Star line-up of the Shitty Character Name League as we begin with Rowdy, whom we met briefly in the prologue, before meeting a dude named Jade who happens to sport one of the greatest ponytails that an 8 year old girl could hope to have. They practice their martial arts on the deck of the Malibu Express, and by ‘practice’ I mean speaking in the most offensive Asian accent that I could possibly imagine while squawking like freshly raped chickens and spouting parodied Confucius sayings that pose as big of a threat to the realm of comedy as a nuclear bomb of Jewish jokes at a Schindler’s List retrospective, proving that obviously neither of them actually know a thing about any martial art. But while they bask in the tepid glow of accomplishing nothing, some dude rolls up the pier on a motorized bike, delivering a sandwich with a note inside. After reading it and declaring that they’ve got trouble in paradise, Rowdy carefully folds the note back up, puts about a quarter of the way back in the sandwich and then light it on fire. The note burns instantly, hurting neither the sandwich or container in the slightest, begging the question of why the fuck they bothered to put it back rather than just burning the note on its own.

Exhibit D: Don’t Ask Me, I’m Just A Girl

Before our iron giants of masculinity can arrive to save the helpless vixens, however, Seth Romero’s deadly plan begins to take shape. As Taryn shows off her collection of spy movie posters to Dona (fuck, only a man could possibly think that women would be that into spy movies), she points out her newest additions, including the poster for Malibu Express, the previous movie in this very series of Andy Sidaris films. I’ll say that again to really be clear about this; the film contains the movie poster of its prequel directly in the damn film, and it’s not a joke. I’m not quite sure what kind of bizarre meta statement this scene’s trying to achieve, but I’m quite certain it’s far too intellectual for anyone who worked on this movie unless it can be explained via pop-up book. And turning from one ridiculous concept to another, Taryn then asks Dona what Rowdy is like…you know…wink, wink. Psstt…I’m not sure, but I think she’s referring to his raisin scone baking skills. Dona replies by shrugging and saying that he’s only four inches…FROM THE GROUND! Hahaha – that’s not physically possible unless he doesn’t happen to have any fucking legs. But just as they begin to retire for the night, both fully aware that Dona’s blatant exaggeration is obviously covering for a 2 inch MacTavish, assailants cut the home’s phone line and jump each woman, demanding that they hand over the diamonds. This male and female combination is the other duo of Seth goons, whom we’ll refer to as the Nocturnal Emissions of Death, or NEDs. After luring her opposing NED out to the hangar for a brief grappling match that results in nothing more than the deadly cancer snake being freed from its cage while Taryn is held captive by the she-NED putting nunchuks to her throat like they’re a goddamn knife, the two blondes and the NEDs end up back in the house where Taryn ends up finally handing over the diamonds. The goons demand the second box, but before they can discover that the blondes don’t have it, they’re interrupted by the girlish screams of Seth, who happens to be waiting outside when he spots the snake slithering around in the distance. Warning that they’ll be back, the NEDs flee to make sure that their prepubescent boss hasn’t stressed his way into inducing his first period while Dona grabs a gun, runs out after them and fires a single shot, hitting Seth right in the fucking face as they all try to pile into a car. But while that ordeal comes to a hilarious end, our heroines get even more bad news when they head back into the hangar and discover that the snake is gone just moments before getting a call from Dixon, whom explains that they were mistakenly given the one infected with cancer.

Once again deciding that anything beyond baking a batch of delicious cookies or faking enthusiasm while touching their ankles to their ears is too much for them to handle on their own, Dona and Taryn decide to seek help at Edy’s, arriving there and being directed to her private corner booth. Of course, they end up sitting down in front of her at a table in the middle of the goddamn floor, which is neither a corner nor a booth, but whatever. I guess it could have been worse and had they went out and met her in her car. After ordering drinks and inquiring about any information that Edy may have in regards to diamonds or Seth, they head back to her private office together to make a phone call when the scene takes a brief detour through the ghettos of CrazyFuckTown, USA. We head over to another area of the bar where we’re introduced to Jimmy John Jackson, or the J-Cube, a sports caster who sits down with two random football players. After giving them an insanely long speech about random vitamins and their benefits, he crams a fistful of them down his throat and chugs some water while one football player then comments that he loves soul food while the other heartily agrees, even though they aren’t sitting in front of food of any kind. And that’s it. That’s the scene. The icing on the goddamn cake is that if you look in the credits, the name of both these football characters is actually “Soul Food Lover”. That’s just goddamn outstanding.

Back in the bar’s office, the three women call Rowdy and Jade, updating them on the situation and getting their assurance that they’ll be there to handle the situation as only manly men of manliness can do, just before we discover two important things. First, a random chick working at the bar named Michelle taps the phone line and listens in on their conversation before calling back to Seth to report her findings, revealing that there’s a hole in the exceptionally tight security of a fucking bar. And secondly, this movie will stop at nothing to manufacture reasons to show you tits. As the three women emerge from the office and go their separate ways, we discover that Taryn either knows the J-Cube or she really is a whore, as she walks over to flirt with him for a moment when it suddenly cuts to the two of them on a beach, drinking champagne before she strips down to only her panties while they make out. What the fuck is going on? That was ridiculously fast. It’s almost like all she had to do was say magic words like, “They’re going into remission”. Of course, since this is soft-core, they two of them don’t actually have sex as much as they just make out for 4 hours topless while dry humping each others’ thighs. What a magical scene. But just when you think that was so completely random that it might as well have been narrated by Brutus The Barber Beefcakes, the end of the scene cuts to a shot of the snake going through random grass for no particular reason before getting back to the two lovebirds, cleaning up after what was assuredly a four hour exercise in disappointment.

Exhibit E: The Age Old Battle Of Goons VS Useless Bags Of Cocksnot Rages On

The movie returns the next day, where we begin what may be one of the greatest scenes in shitty movie history. Our two soldiers of destiny, Rowdy and Jade, finally arrive on the island, where they load their shit into a Jeep that Edy left for them and drive into the Molokai Wildlife Park for reasons I couldn’t begin to tell you. But as they casually cruise up the desolate road, they suddenly see a dude coming towards them on a skateboard while doing a handstand. They watch him pass, joining the rest of the world in wondering what the fuck that’s all about, until the dude disappears from their sight. And as that dude comes to a stop down the road somewhere behind them, we see it’s actually the Sodomy Assassin, one of Seth’s men from the beginning of the movie. He meets his cohort, the Hamsteak Philosopher, who’s sitting on the side of the road in a small truck. After he jumps in the back, the two of them take off, turning around and eventually speeding past our two heroes who still have no idea what the fuck is going on. Then once they get far enough ahead, the thugs pull over once again, and the Hamsteak Philosopher hands the Sodomy Assassin a rifle and a fucking blow-up sex doll, telling him to go get them. So as it cuts back to our two heroes still driving casually in their Jeep, they once again notice this dude coming at them, this time holding a rifle and a fucking blow up doll. As he gradually gets close, the Sodomy Assassin fires, hitting the Jeep’s tire which somehow causes shrapnel to fly up and hit Jade in the chest, right where his fucking heart would be were he human, rather than a cyborg from the future manufactured out of synthesized awesome. Rowdy asks how bad it is as Jade clutches the instantly bleeding would, to which Jade replies that he’s been better, but he’ll live. Now that would have been insane enough, punching our face right in the vagina with unabashed random hilarity, but it only gets better. Finally annoyed enough to act, our heroes decide to “get that turkey” by backing up their Jeep right into the Sodomy Assassin, who is just spinning in circles on his skateboard a few feet behind them for reasons that are giving me colon cancer just contemplating. And as he flies into the air from the impact of being hit by a Jeep after 6 feet of acceleration, Rowdy somehow has the time to pull out a goddamn rocket launcher and fire, hitting the still hanging Sodomy Assassin in midair and blowing him up in a massive fireball. But as if that level of insanity wasn’t enough, Rowdy then turns and also fires at the blow up doll, which is also flying through the open sky, destroying it with yet another massive explosion and officially raping our throats with the chorus of gut wrenching laughter. When Jade asks why the hell he used a rocket launcher, Rowdy replies that it’s the only gun he can hit a moving target with. Really? The only one? That makes you an exceptionally useless action hero, doesn’t it?

Taking a break from the journey of random insanity that our heroes find themselves on, the movie checks in with the honeymooning couple left on the island, since any viewer would have forgotten about these entirely pointless characters by now unless they were writing a thesis on this film to get their doctorate in Refined Shit Tasting. As the groom takes Polaroids of his bride in a bikini on the beach, he moves around to get a better angle only to have the snake lunge at him. He screams, realizing his cancerous doom is at hand as the scene cuts away, once again leaving us in amazement that they’d even bother with any of this bullshit.

After getting Jade patched up at a nearby doctor’s office, he and Rowdy call back to Edy’s, explaining the ridiculous events they had endured while Michelle once again listens in. Deciding to pick them up herself, Edy emerges from her office and tells Michelle that she’ll be gone for a while before going into the back and getting out of her dress, changing into another outfit and giving us probably the most blatantly unnecessary titty shot yet. Of course, after she leaves Michelle calls back to report to Seth and makes arrangements to follow her, before heading into the back herself and running into a completely random chick that is, of course, topless. But that’s not even as fucking weird as things get, as once that chick leaves Michelle pulls off her wig to reveal that she’s actually a dude named Michael, and an exceptionally balding one at that. Once he’s changed into his dude clothes, Michael runs out front of the bar to meet the previously introduced NEDs in a van. Together they try to cut her off, failing to do so pretty miserably before eventually catching up to her running Edy off the road. Like strangers with candy, they grab her and toss her into the back of their van.

While other members of their team are being attacked by sex doll equipped punks or molested by NEDs in a van, Dona and Taryn take a more low key approach and begin their reconnaissance of Seth Romero’s compound. Hiding a safe distance down the beach, they use binoculars and the shitty Sony Walkman equivalent of a video camera to watch as some random chick runs up to a guard posted on the beach of Seth’s place and begins tossing a Frisbee around with this dude, who doesn’t even bother taking off the machine gun strapped to him for the game. Just to be clear, this random girl isn’t any kind of secret agent, undercover police officer, or animatronic vagina designed by Seth as a way of maintaining goon job satisfaction. This is just a random chick who doesn’t find it the least bit strange to run up and play Frisbee with a guy holding a fucking Uzi. Eventually their attention turns as they notice a chopper landing in Seth’s yard and watch as Seth gets out of it just in time to address Edy, whom is dragged up by his fearsome NEDs and then taken to the house. Dona and Taryn then take off, declaring that they need to find Rowdy and Jade fast. Of course. God forbid you do anything yourselves. After pulling over to use a payphone, Dona reveals to Taryn that not only has she left a message for the boys, but she’s also recognized Michelle as the tranny that she is after seeing spotting him holding Edy back at Seth’s place, explaining that she recognized his cigarette and pinkie ring. From a distance. Through a video camera. Fuck off. After deciding that must be why Edy’s surveillance of Seth wasn’t working, the two girls make one last stop on their way home, driving back to pick up the honeymooners. But as they approach the scene, they make a grisly discovery that, surprisingly, doesn’t prompt them to show off their tits. Seeing the bride’s corpse first, they proceed to find the groom’s body in a patch of long grass along with his camera. Finding a Polaroid stuck inside, they pull it out to discover that it’s a perfectly framed shot of the snake lunging in attack.

The only way to truly follow up on the unnecessary is with the completely arbitrary, so the movie once again returns to Edy’s bar where Rowdy and Jade receive Dona’s message and head straight to her house after borrowing a car. But seeing as that could have been shot in approximately 7 seconds, the rest of the scene is fleshed out by another appearance by the J-Cube. For some reason he’s doing an interview from a goddamn bar, going live on national TV to once again speak with two other football players. I don’t know what the fuck football has to do with any of this, or why all these goddamn football players are even on the Hawaiian Islands considering they don’t have a football team, but whatever. He asks the two chaps about a certain play, laying it out in a huge, detailed description before trying to penetrate the intellect of the elite jockaucracy by asking what was said to the rest of the team in the huddle before that moment. Their response?

Football Douche Numero Uno: “Well Jimmy John, all I said was niggers go deep and whites keep them out if you can on two.”

Football Douche Numbero Dos: “Jimmy, motherfucker’s crazy but he sure can throw.”

Goddamn it. Why do we have to watch this? If I wanted to watch someone I don’t know fail miserably at a task that I’m not sure why they’re doing, I’d rather just turn on Pimp My Dialysis Machine.

Exhibit F: Grab A Tube Sock, Its Time For The Climax!

With all the pleasantries out the door, the movie finally gets down to business, alternating between the heroes and villains as they prepare for an ultimate showdown every bit as epic as a fruitiest dancing competition between the Backstreet Boys and the California Raisins. It begins at Dona’s house, where after a quick shot of the snake crawling into a random pipe in the lawn, reminding us of its continual and highly improbable threat, our heroes finally merge to dip their rancid chunks of uselessness into a giant fondue of failure. After briefly discussing the situation, Dona and Rowdy sneak off to her office so that she can show him the tape of the random girl playing Frisbee with one of Seth’s men, whom Rowdy identifies as a man named Shades. First, nice name, asshole. What kind of dicktip suggests that people call him Shades just because he sports a pair of sweet aviators? Me, actually, from now on. And secondly, why do I care what this dude’s name is in the first place? Are they going to introduce every random henchman before killing him? “This is Burt Saunders. He likes slow dancing, candlelight dinners, and strangling hookers in the park. His turn-ons are vanilla perfume and the feeling of shag carpet on his taint, while his turn-offs include heli-skiing and trigonometry. Oh…and now he’s dead.” But of course, after watching a tape of two retards tossing a Frisbee, the two lovers surrender to temptations of the flesh, making out like tweens while Jade and Taryn wait awkwardly in the living room. But while the heroes prepare, back at Seth’s house the villains continues to interrogate Edy, still searching for the lost diamonds. Suddenly it cuts to the female NED, clad in a nary but a tiny bikini and a lot of cooking oil, doing a muscle-flexing routine with a pair of nunchuks as a prop, making yet another person who is obviously unaware of how they actually work. And as Seth leaves to report back to Mr. Chang, he leaves the she-NED to beat some answers out of Edy. But while she cries out in pain, it intercuts between Edy’s cries of pain and Rowdy crying out in pleasure as Dona appears to be doing little more than leaning on his junk. When it all comes to what is probably quite literally a blistering climax, Dona and Rowdy end up cuddled together naked when she asks what he’s feeling. His epic response?

Rowdy: “One man’s dream in another man’s lunch.”

Seriously, what the fuck does that even mean? With the proceeds from Rowdy’s junk squishing glee likely running down Dona’s leg, the two of them head back to the living room and join Jade and Taryn, sputtering out some horrible excuse about how they took longer than they thought because they stopped to have something to eat. Taryn jokes that next time perhaps Rowdy shouldn’t chew his food so loud, giving them all an awkward giggle that, had the scene not switched over, would have been the surefire beginning of an 80′s dry humping orgy of immeasurable proportions. But instead it travels back at Seth’s house, ending the scene with him on the phone with Mr. Chang, talking about some kind of deal that they give no details about. It could involve the diamonds, drugs, or Glo Worms. There’s no way of knowing and at this point, frankly we don’t care. Seth remarks that agents are crawling everywhere, to which Mr. Chang ends the scene by calmly advising him to kill them all.

The showdown begins the next day with the four shitheads preparing their arsenal, which includes a fucking Frisbee with razorblades stuck around its edge that looks every bit as shitty as you would imagine if I told you that an unpaid intern made it for the prop department 15 minutes before the scene was to be shot. And the movie doesn’t waste any time putting this item of madness to use as once again we see the random girl running towards Shades, Seth’s machine gun toting guard, for a game of Frisbee when Rowdy suddenly jogs up and joins her. Shades is, of course, suspicious of this random guy, but concedes and allows Rowdy to show him what he can do, because apparently tossing a fucking Frisbee around on a beach is the best street cred these assholes could think of. After tossing it back and forth for a couple of minutes, taking their casual game so seriously that you’d think they had bet the life of their first born on it, Shades decides it’s time to really get down to business and moves to take off his gun. Seeing his opportunity to unleash his dollar store version of the disks from Tron, Rowdy tells the random chick to take off, showing her a gun before tossing her Frisbee away. And just to add more evidence in the mounting case that he’s a complete jackass, he watches the chick walk away for a moment before yelling after her that she has a great ass. Once she’s gone, Rowdy and Shades start tossing a black Frisbee around before Rowdy switches it with his razorblade Frisbee of death. In extra dramatic slow motion, he tosses it at Shades’ waiting face, supposedly cutting off his fingers before slicing his throat. At least that’s what I think red food coloring flying everywhere while Shades holds the Frisbee by his neck is supposed to be. You know, this whole thing seems way too complicated. Why not just save everyone a lot of time a shoot this asshole from a distance? It’s not like there was any benefit to carrying out this farce, save sheer unadulterated comedy.

With a ridiculous hole punched into the perimeter security of Seth’s compound, Rowdy rejoins Jade and Taryn in a Jeep as Dona sails in on a small motorized hang glider. As the Jeep charges into Seth’s courtyard, Dona drops noise grenades from above, which serves absolutely no purpose beyond announcing their arrival to everyone within a 249 mile radius. Luckily for them the three heroes jump out of the Jeep and start firing at the massive flood of ONE random thug that comes pouring out of Seth’s place, and yet it still somehow takes about a dozen shots to kill that one dude. Once he’s dead, they continue inside while Dona lands from doing nothing to step it up and do even more nothing. Jade enters the building first, carrying what appears to be another goddamn grenade launcher, which might be the least intelligent choice possible when it comes to the close quarters fighting that you’d be doing inside a home, barring some kind of goth teen suicide pact. In the first room he comes to, he’s met by a random dude that’s courteous enough to come up behind him and tell him to freeze. Yes, because criminal organizations, especially when being invaded in their own base of operations, have a habit of showing a remarkable amount of restraint. I’m surprised that this asshole didn’t serve Jade cookies at the same time. But while the two of them stand in uncomfortable confusion, Rowdy awkwardly kicks in the front door before then kicking the gun out of the random dude’s hand while he just stands there, practically begging to be disarmed. But just then Jade declares, “he’s mine”, handing the rocket launcher to Rowdy and prompting for him to continue on. And to begin this colossal battle of obscurity, Jade declares:

Jade: “Life’s a bitch and then you die.”

Seriously? A completely unrelated, clichéd catch phrase? That might just be the laziest fucking writing I’ve ever seen. He might as well have said, “I hate Mondays” or “Give a hoot, don’t pollute”. And after quickly switching to the building’s exterior to show Taryn shooting Michael the Cross-dresser dead, the battle begins as Jade has somehow becomes equipped with metal claws on his hands. Apparently not only will this random thug casually stand by and let you kick the gun out of his hand, but he’ll also patiently wait as you strap on your choice instruments of death. The fight predictably lasts about 20 seconds, ending with Jade using the claws to slash his opponent’s throat just after saying, “and then you die!”, because the only thing better than saying an unrelated catch phrase is half an unrelated catch phrase. He then hurries to catch up with Rowdy, whom has made his way into the room where Edy is tied up. And just as the male-NED enters and begins firing on Rowdy with impunity, Rowdy responds with the rocket launcher. But for some reason hitting the NED from about 10 feet away doesn’t cause a massive explosion that envelopes the entire building, instead simply pushing the dude out a nearby window. After smiling like a jackass, Rowdy is joined by Jade, who finishes the immeasurably idiotic scene by moving to free Edy only after taking a moment to joke about leaving her tied up so that he can get a midget and a whip together for some kinky sex.

Back outside, our almost forgotten Hamsteak Philosopher appears on the scene with some random blonde chick that we’ve never seen up to this point, attempting to flee in a helicopter while firing on Rowdy and Dona. But as they try to lift off, Dona takes the rocket launcher from Rowdy and fires, hitting the helicopter and causing a massive explosion. So for those people keeping track, rocket + dude = nothing, but rocket + helicopter = nuclear winter-sized mushroom cloud. And even though it seems like they really haven’t done much of anything, at this point our heroes stop and cheer a job exceptionally badly done before piling into a van, leaving only Dona to head back to her place by herself for some reason. But just as they’re driving away, someone finally notice that no one saw or, more importantly, killed Seth, which means that yes, they accomplished nothing. Seeing the obvious danger to come, Rowdy suddenly bursts out the back of the van on a dirt bike, racing off to catch up with Dona.

At this point the movie transforms from late night skin flick to more of a late night infomercial. Sure, you’ve seen what is supposed to be the climax of the film, so how much would you pay to own this cinematic kidney stone forever in Laserdisc or audio book format? How about three easy installments of $49.95 and a piece of your immortal soul! BUT WAIT! Don’t answer yet! Act now and we’ll throw in an additional scene tacked on to the end of the movie, back at Dona’s house: She walks out of her bathroom only to be grabbed by Seth, who demands to be given the diamonds while waving a switchblade around with the ferocity of a newborn puppy in a fitted rain slicker. Unsurprisingly, Dona manages to struggle free from him rather easily before turning the tables. First she blasts Seth in the chest with a harpoon gun and then proceeds to beat on him for good measure, not stopping until he seems to be kind of, sort of, but not actually dead. Then after Dona takes a break to go to the fridge – because yeah, who wouldn’t be a little peckish after having engaged in a life or death struggle only seconds ago – she somehow senses that Seth is waiting around the corner, preparing an ambush while she stands icing her nipples. So Dona engages him again, managing this time to avoid being stabbed in silicone and instead stabbing him in the gut with his own knife. Somehow thinking that a knife to the stomach is immediately fatal, she then leaves the room again, electing this time to hide in the bathroom. And that’s when things get completely insane. As she sits on the floor by the toilet, she goes to flush just as the toilet fucking EXPLODES with light and the snake rises out of it, shattering the bowl like it’s a goddamn egg shell. Screaming, Dona gets the hell out of the bathroom just as Seth gets back up again, thinking that she’s still in there. He grabs the knife out of his gut and goes to finish her off, but once he gets near the door, the snake lunges and FINALLY kills him, apparently proving that a faster method of murder than a harpoon gun, blunt force trauma, or a knife to the stomach is fucking cancer. Alone with the snake in her living room now, Dona grabs a gun and shoots it multiple times directly in the mouth, which somehow manages to do absolutely nothing to it other than perhaps chipping its dental work. But just as all seems lost, Rowdy bursts into the room, smashing through a wall on his motorbike before jumping off and firing his rocket launcher, hitting the snake in the head and blowing up it up in yet another underwhelming explosion. As they cuddle, she explains that it came from the toilet, to which he quips:

Rowdy: “Just when you thought it was safe to take a pee.”

Goddamn. However wrote this doesn’t have the imagination necessary to pump out a menu for IHOP.

 

I know what you’re thinking. Surely all those unnecessary tits AND an additional bout of snake exploding insanity must be enough to drive the price of any other movie up to six installments of infinite gold, BUT WAIT! There’s more! Act now and Hard Ticket To Hawaii will throw in one last moment of awesomeness free of charge, as the next day our heroes are all loaded into a limo when they arrive at an office and/or apartment building. Ready for action, Rowdy and Dona head up to the penthouse of the building to confront Chang, the evil mastermind that’s so important to the film that he’s had about 28 seconds of screen time. And even though this is supposed to be the head of an organized crime gang, they manage to stroll directly into his ten feet by ten feet office, which has all the class and decorum of a toxic waste facilities broom closet. When the one fucking bodyguard gets up to stop them, Dona slips Rowdy a set of nunchuks, which he promptly uses to beat the dude to death like it’s a fucking club. Alone but not entirely helpless, Chang faces Rowdy and Dona as they whip out guns and pulls the classic “sword in the cane” trick, then takes it to a new level of shitheadedness previously unheard of by throwing it at them like a fucking dart in a Scottish pub. Naturally he misses and in response they simply shoot him in the face, sending him flying straight out the window behind him, plummeting down to the delight of the rest of our heroes waiting on the ground below. And with that, our scene ends.

And with that, our movie finally reaches its conclusion as the Super Friends end up back on the Malibu Express, sipping champagne and discussing their unfortunate moral responsibility of turning in the diamonds. But Taryn points out that unlike the rest of them, she’s technically not a federal agent, so since the owners are all dead, the diamonds belong to her. She says that she’s going to sell them and share the proceeds with her friends. And if those friends had half a brain in their head, they’d realize that the only way that she could move diamonds in that large a quantity, especially ones obtained illegally, would be to sell them exactly as Seth was planning to do, and probably even to the same people. So technically, they should probably just prevent the rise of another criminal mastermind and shoot her in the head right now. But instead, they all toast the undoubtedly illegal activity that their friend is about to engage in before the credits finally roll, or are stuck to boxes, to be accurate.

The Verdict:

Donkey: What can you say about a movie that has a cancerous snake, a skateboarding assassin with a lonely man’s mistress and a Civil War era musket, and more tits than tea time in Caligula’s palace? It’s got it all. The only thing that keeps this from being a truly epic shitty movie is the argument that, as a skin flick, it never really intended to be very good in the first place. It’s kind of like watching an actual porno and wondering why every single plot point involves someone choking on balls. And while that’s true, the undeniable hilarity of this film cannot be ignored. I give it four and a half unnecessarily exposed tits out of five I love soul food! Delicious!

What We Learned:

Donkey: Nunchuks can be used as a knife, club, boomerang, or interpretive dance prop, so long as you’re enough of an idiot to have never seen how their actually meant to be used before in your life. Oh, and BLLLLLAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH TITS!!!

Don’t forget to check back every Sunday for a new fresh review! Next week shittymovienight.com presents: Eric Roberts makes his triumphant return in the movie that was literally name after his majesty…BEST OF THE BEST.

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