Disclaimer: All the views expressed after the jump are my opinions, and my opinions alone. I am in no way affiliated with VH1 or the Love & Hip Hop buffoonery franchise. Thank you to VH1 for the images.
Ray J and A1 have returned, making their debut on this season. They're having lunch with Safaree. Ray J's trying to get Princess pregnant, Safaree thinks his sperm count is so high that if he coughs a little will come out and A1 still wears condoms. Does Safaree know what condoms are made for? They catch sperm. They don't back you up and keep you from ejaculating -- unless he's coming out with a brand of coconut oil-infused condoms that back you up. I'm not exactly sure how they got this idea to have a sperm count-off to see who has the highest count but...they do. They actually end up having the competition. The loser has to collaborate with Hazel-E on a song so you know the stakes are high! Ray J is just worried about losing -- 20% because he wants to have a baby, 80% because he does not for the life of him want to work with Hazel-E. Honestly, who can blame him? I wouldn't even want to sit on a couch at the reunion with her crazy ass. A1 brings Lyrica, who thought they were going out to dinner because he said he was going to feed her (EW). Although considering he needs to save that juice for the cup he might have actually been talking about real food. After a few days, the three amigos slide back into the clinic. First, and foremost, I really hope Safaree was walking like that just for the cameras and that he doesn't actually lean his shoulder in like that when he's walking in day to day life. His back must cramp up every three days. The doctor comes in with the results with A1 having the highest sperm count. Ray J SLIPS in his seat because he really, really, really doesn't want to go into the studio with Hazel-E. Safaree comes in second with Ray J coming in last, with a 9 million count when the healthy average is 15 million. He starts trying to figure out how to get his sperm count up, but the other two are just concerned about booking the studio for him and Hazel. Niggas, man. This was actually an entire episode's storyline.
Booby rises out of a pool during a pool day with, his "just friend," Brooke Valentine. Brooke tells him about Marcus, Booby tells her he ain't shit and to stop fucking with him but Brooke must like complicated relationships because she's in it with him for the long haul. They claim to just be friends but Brooke was looking at him like he was a two piece meal at Popeyes in that last shot. Later on, Marcus gives her the divorce papers and confirms that his marriage is officially done.
So...Chanel West Coast. It's safe to say we all know of her because of the Charlemagne incident. It's ridiculous to think we all knew she was on Ridiculousness. I forget that show was even still on until this happened. But she's an up and coming artist so she has a single release party to show us all her musical track record. I can't remember if she's been on the show before but Chanel's best friend, Jade, tells Nikki and Lyrica that she's a paralegal that's been messing around with one of her clients -- Marcus Black. Yes, Marcus Black from Brooke Valentine's storyline. This web is so freaking messy. Later in the episode, Brooke, Nia and Lyrica go to a dance class. Lyrica is tired as hell but goes so she can tell Brooke about Jade. After the class is over (or during break, I don't know how dance classes work), Brooke starts telling them about what's going on with her and Marcus. Lyrica is eating all of this up like breakfast at dinner at Ihop. She ends up telling her that Jade said she was messing around with Marcus and Brooke's neck SNAPPED. Brooke got heated and said she wanted to meet up with Jade, but Nia says that Chanel is performing at Safaree's Coconut Oil Party so odds are that Jade will be there too and they can talk then. The only thing I'm concerned about is Nia uttering the words "coconut oil party" in the same sentence, in that order (no Mama Dee), with a serious look on her face.
At her release party, Nikki told Chanel she had someone to introduce her to but she didn't say who. Fast forward to Niki and Safaree meeting up to have lunch. I didn't talk about their meet up last week because it wasn't relevant to anything else happening but I like them together. They're a fun combination even though Nikki was straight up playing games with his emotional ass last season. Safaree's mouth starts bubbling when he gets a look at Nikki's body but then Chanel pops up -- meaning this is who she wanted to introduce Chanel to. He asks her to write a song about a bread stick but he ends up being the one to freestyle about it (and it wasn't half bad). Safaree, being Safaree, makes a reference to Nicki Minaj about how he's already pushed a "pretty young thing" to the top so he invites Chanel to sing at his coconut oil release party.
Keyshia and her friend, Marquisha, meet up to have lunch with Too Short. She talks about her new album and how she's doing a good job co-parenting with Booby but how they can't be together. Later at home with Booby, she tells him that they need to sign to divorce papers just to get it over with. Booby starts saying something emotional in his confessional but the sad music was so turned up I couldn't hear anything. He tells her that he appreciates everything she's done for him and she starts crying. Side note, Booby asking "wait, so I gotta be gone by tomorrow?" was hilarious.
AD is running around on the beach with Cam, being an excellent step-father. Moneice, Zell, Nia and Masika are having a light hearted conversation when Zell's braids decides to bring up the stuff that went down at karaoke because Masika and Nia weren't there. As soon as Masika hears Alexis' name she gets up and walks off of the beach. She really just gets up and walks away. Zell and Alexis meet up to have drinks. He ends up liking how real she is because she tells him that she wants to actually have a conversation with her, while Masika is always running away and refusing to own up to her stuff. He promises her that he's going to try and set up a meeting between the two of them. Zell and Masika also go out to have a drink, I suppose. Zell opens up his mouth to reveal his full grill, which is apparently a bad omen for Masika. Zell barely even starts talking and Masika can't even hear a word that starts with the letter A before she starts popping off about how everyone is trying to "play" her with this Alexis stuff and then Masika...pops...OFF. She starts yelling at Zell, yelling at the producers, the throws a drink on the producers, tells them to take her mic off and threatens to call her lawyers because everyone keeps trying to "play" with her. Girl, like you were playing with Fetty Wap's taken dick and got yourself into this mess? I'm not shaming her or anything but she seems to be blaming everyone else for her issues.
EPISODE GRADE: B+
Stray notes:
-The whole sperm storyline was really stupid, but also really funny to watch. I really want to see Ray J in the studio with Hazel-E. Please, Mona!
-Zell may be messy as hell, but he was right. If she's going to be playing with anything it should be a shoe shine.Those were some messy ass heels from someone who claims to be rich and famous.
-I love how Safaree is making an entire career out of just randomly dropping his jaw.
