This review is the result of completing a Twilight marathon, which is a lot like competing in a real marathon except it’s much more important to drink.

My focus is on the Latter-day instalments, having previously covered the original – although “original” is a stretch for a story that merges The Vampire Diaries (the books), Buffy (the show) and Underworld (the eternal torment). Apparently the idea came to Stephenie Meyer in a dream, and you don’t have to be Sigmund Freud to interpret her subconscious ramblings as internalised misogyny and/or someone falling asleep with Attack of the Clones on TV.

To catch you up, Bella (Kristen Stewart) has moved to Forks, a small town with all the charm and excitement of a Spoons. There she meets the two creepiest men in the Pacific Northwest (Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner) and then nothing happens for 10 hours. Trying to remember a single plot point from the first three films (Twilight, New Moon and Eclipse) is like attempting to recall any black characters who aren’t portrayed as villains.

But despite essentially depicting a race war, the Twilight saga seems disinterested in things like politics or incident. It is ostensibly a romance, although what is meant to be romantic about a 100-year-old man magically sedating and seducing a teenage girl remains a mystery to all but the most impressionable teens and intransigent Mormons. If Meyer has a lesson for young women it is to find a man who resists the urge to kill you for long enough that you might one day fulfil your destiny of having his Baby. Happy 14th birthday!

And so after three films where the only conflict is over whose turn it is to gaslight and kiss Bella, we reach the penultimate chapter and bear witness to the most fucked-up fourquel since Leprechaun 4: In Space. Breaking Dawn – Part 1 starts innocently enough, with Bella marrying Edward and telling Jacob (who she knows is in love with her) about their sexy Honeymoon plans.

After playing chess in lingerie provided by Edward’s sister (told you it was creepy), Bella gets pregnant and the movie turns from supernatural abstinence allegory to prenatal body horror. This is a film that shuns sex but is more than happy to show the inside of Bella’s womb, while she physically deteriorates and everyone screams anti-choice arguments about the importance of having a baby that might kill her.

So she has the baby, and that’s when things gets really weird. Jacob, the werewolf who has spent the last four films literally sniffing around Bella, falls in love with her baby. And everyone just sort of lets him be the baby’s boyfriend, providing he doesn’t have sex with her until she’s seven (this is the actual plot of the film). The vampire paedophile subtext was one thing; to double down on it with an actual (freaky CGI) infant makes you wonder how this was allowed to be included.

At least as a new mother, taking a cue from her incestuous vampire family, Bella comes into her own. No longer burdened by mortality or her new baby (whom she is pleased to palm off on Jacob who seems good with kids), Bella gets her special vampire power: a mental shield. It turns out Bella is so inert that even her magic ability is the power of blankness. Part 2 ends with Bella removing the shield, finally allowing Edward to see what she had been thinking the whole time: nothing. Her only thoughts were of being in love, which is all she ever said in the first place.

After the feverish hysteria of Part 1, Twilight returns to paint-drying territory in the final chapter; a film where so little happens that even the final battle turns out to be a vision, and after seeing it the characters decide not to bother and go home. If only they had done that 10 hours ago, maybe I wouldn’t still be having nightmares.