Sorority Row joined a slew of slasher remakes circa 2009 to form whatever’s the opposite of a genre revival. Let’s call it the noughties slasher burial.

A mangled mixer of The House on Sorority Row and I Know What You Did Last Summer, this sorry sorority slasher sees a swarm of straight-haired sisters accidentally kill their friend Megan (Audrina Patridge) with a tire iron and drop her corpse down a mine shaft. Eight months later, the police still haven’t thought to look down said plot hole, and a hooded killer starts bumping off the ladies responsible. Megan’s sister (Caroline D’Amore) also decides to join the sorority for reasons that would only make sense if she’s the killer. Spoiler alert: it doesn’t make sense.

Obviously watching slasher remakes expecting logic is like watching torture porn for recipe suggestions. But the film fails on its own terms, providing about as much suspense as its costumes offer support. Any attempt at feminist messaging is consistently undermined by the decidedly male gaze of Stewart Hendler’s direction, while the comedy is limited to a couple of funny lines about how awful these women are. Yet the movie refuses to follow through on that Scream Queens-style parody, and keeps expecting us to root for toxic characters with none of the Chanels’ charms or acting abilities.

Leah Pipes gets the best lines as bitchy ringleader Jessica but brings none of the camp the role clearly calls for, while final girl Briana Evigan proves why she is better known as a dancer. The only convincing actor is Carrie Fisher as the exasperated housemother to an army of stereotypes. Where the Slumber Party Massacre remake reclaimed the meaning of sorority for a modern audience, this upholds every tired, irony-free sexist trope. Worst of all, it doesn’t use Richard Band’s wonderful theme music from the original. What kind of sorority can’t even do lineage properly?