Zombeavers is a cautionary tale about the dangers of driving while intexticated.

Crooner John Mayer and stand up comedian Bill Burr make cameos as two truckers toting toxic waste on their way from what I believe is Texarkana, Texas to the “Southern Classic” in Georgia for Big and Little Enos Burdette. On the way, Bill hits a deer while texting behind the wheel. One of their steel drums flies off their truck, and into a local river where a family of beavers are mutated not into a humorous group of pizza-loving turtles, but some mean ass beavers that will bite your dick off!

That very same weekend, perky, slutty college girls Mary, Zoe, and Jenn drive to a cabin by a lake where the beavers have built their damn dam. The girls are on a two-day retreat to get away from civilization, smartphones, and their asshole boyfriends. This is the perfect spot as their phones get no reception out there in the woods, so they will be all alone, and only good can come from a couple of helpless girls being all alone in the woods. The three take a scantily clad swim in the lake, and discover the damn dam is covered in green goo. They are then creeped out by a bear named Smyth, so they decide to scamper on back to the cabin.

The girls’ boyfriends, Buck, Tommy, and Sam, arrive later that night, and put a scare into them by thumping on the exterior of their cabin. Although annoyed, the girls let the boys stay, and the sweet sound of thumping is soon heard from all around the inside of cabin the too, but Jenn reveals a little more beaver in the shower than is naturally possible…this may also be a cautionary tale of proper shaving techniques, because it takes the courage of all three of the boys to hit that furry beaver! Tommy is able to “kill it” with a couple of swings from his mighty bat, and tosses it out the door when he’s done with no money for a cab ride home!

The next day, shit goes down when the group goes back to the lake. Buck gets his foot gnawed off by the beavers, and Zoe’s cute dog gets sacrificed to those buck-toothed bastards. Sure the group could just run to their car and drive away, but we have a B movie plot line to watch unfold. Cue the predictable gore as one kid after another gets transformed into one Zombeaver after another until there is just one left standing. Who is it? We’re not telling.

Cut to the post credits where a honeybee gets infected as it flies around a beaver corpse, and flies home to its hive. Anyone see a Zom-“bee” sequel in the works? I think I do.

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