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Crank Life

Dating in the 21st century is a dangerous sport. Apps like Tinder and Plenty of Fish have opened up a whole new sea (excuse the pun) of potential hook-ups and so, even though the odds of finding that special someone you want to raise a puppy with have soared, people are becoming more and more reluctant to settle.

You have to have your wits about you; you might think you’re one a one-way train to marriage with the person you’ve been on four dates with, when actually you might just be a mid-week palette cleanser before the big date on Saturday in their eyes.

It sounds harsh, but this is 2017 and everyone knows the rules. Until you’ve ‘made it official’ the dating game is a sexual free-for-all – and nothing illustrated this to me quite like having to point out to a mate of mine that having three different pink toothbrushes in his holder was a dead giveaway to the three girls he was seeing that none of them were special.

Seriously lads, if you’re going to serial date, at least cover your tracks. You honestly think girls accidentally leave their bobbles and kirby grips at your house? Do they shite. Bobbles are like gold-dust and most girls only ever have one good one on their wrist at any point in time. If she leaves it she’s marking her territory. Trust me on that.

Technically I started seeing my fella about a year ago, I mean if you ignore the 18 months of casually getting together before that. But last Halloween we’d been ‘official’ for about a week, when I was in his bathroom and I clocked a pink toothbrush in the holder – residue, I assumed, of his fuckboy days.

So, without a second thought, I binned it and carried on with my night.

The next day I got a text:

“Ey did you bin my toothbrush??”


“Well my toothbrush is in the bin. Did you bin it thinking it was some birds?”


“Hahahaha, why are you lying?”

“I didn’t. Maybe it was a ghost or something.”

In hindsight, if I was going to go down the Halloween route, I should have said I was trying to freak him out and think it was a ghost, rather than saying a toothbrush Binning spirit was actually on a rampage. But fuck off, I panicked. I didn’t for one second thing I’d actually get pulled up on my Crank behaviour, and I certainly didn’t think it was his actual toothbrush I was binning.

Luckily, he’s already knows I can have my psycho moments but if you want my advice, I’d probably try to give it a month before binning your fella’s stuff without asking.

Until next time… x

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Crank Life


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