I'm thinking of taking a big Trip.

A kind of "life-changing" trip. There are two that I'm playing with. And it looks like...my ex will be contributing in some sort of way. (Or else, let's face it, I wouldn't be going because I can't spend any money at all right now since I don't have a house/job/anything that resembles a life).

But I feel like if I go...I will really, truly really be saying goodbye to him. If I say....I can hold on to some kind of...something of us. Like, we're not really over, but if I go....if I take that trip, if I take the contribution to the trip, I'm accepting that we are done, and that we are over, and I'm not ready for that. It hasn't even been four weeks since I just received this out of the blue, "We're over, I'm going to stay at my parents" line...and my mind/soul/body isn't ready to accept that...we had something that he was SO SURE about...until two months prior our breakup....or so he says..

I know this is part of the grieving stage, and I know that grief doesn't follow the stages in one straight line...and that I might go from acceptance to sadness to anger to barganing back to sadness or acceptance, I know that grief do-se-do dance that it plays...I guess from the death of my grandfather...but...I'm just not ready to take the trip and run with it.

I know I need the trip if I'm going to move on. I don't know if it's wrong of me to ask for such extravagance...but when we had discussed our future...in my mind anyway, I don't know what's true anymore, in such detail, and I feel like our lives had been discussed and generally set up in such a way that it was written in a sort of "until death do us part"...I just don't know if I'm ready to say goodbye to it all. And going on a trip, would be saying goodbye to it all.

I can never tell how he's doing because he's working all the time. I've asked, for a short time, to be pen-pals of such. When I see text messages wishing me a good day or a good night, and when I have the ability to text him or call him whenever I feel like it...it doesn't end well. I call him when I'm upset, or when I want to ask him questions that don't need answers or questions that do need answers but my brain can't handle the panic or insanity of the situation...and I'm filled with such regret afterwards....because...sending him these instant attacks that include my hurt...make me feel sick. I'd much rather sit down, when I am able, and write to him, and give him a clearer picture of what's in my mind, heart, soul, and life... Instead of just the pain. My bad day doesn't have to be someone else's. It doesn't make me feel good at all. So now I'm more in control when I see his messages (by having to log onto my email) and I'm more in control when I send him a message. I picked up my phone about 20 times last night. And put it down. Which made me feel better. I don't have to be that messy person. I can continue to be a thoughtful person...in pain.

So that's where I stand. Hurting. Grieving. Wanting a trip to shake me up. And yes, I know very well that the grief follows me no matter how far I shall go. But I need to shake up my brain and show it something big. Go somewhere where there is no reception and where I can't just call home and where I need to feel what I feel. To panic that my life is gone and that I need to build a new one. With the support around me, but also...all alone. I have to let go that I felt so well in my Montreal apartment...that I finally got it to feel like a home and I gave it up...because that'sin the past.. I can't take it back. I fell into the sureness that he felt, because he was so wonderful and loyal and confident of our relationship. That's what happened and I can't change the past and right now, I can't even learn from the past because all I'll take away is the hurt.

I can only take away what I know in my heart. I need to take a trip if I'm going to accept that this relationship is over.