During the Presidential debates, Donald Trump was secretly fed information by his finger puppets, Momo and Oinky.

I recently had a dream in which Donald Trump came to my house for my birthday lunch.

He walked through the door and handed me a big red envelope that looked like it had been previously ripped open in a million different ways and then stuck back together in a slipshod manner with weak-ass sticky tape.

The whole damn thing was falling apart. (His aide said Trump wrapped it himself.) He had signed the front of envelope.

I pulled open the envelope from one of the loose seams and inside there was a fancy white birthday card, still in its plastic wrapper. There was nothing written in the card. But... there was a MASSIVE wad of cash inside.

The first few notes were just ten dollar bills, but then there were some hundreds, and I turned to my friend and said, "Wow, that's actually pretty generous."

Then, as I kept on counting through the money I came across a three-hundred dollar bill. I thought this was a weird denomination, and when I examined it closely I realised it was Mexican Pesos.

They were all Pesos.

I counted all the Pesos and my friend said it amounted to something like twenty Australian bucks. I'd been Trumped.

I was really annoyed so I got online and tried to hack into Donald Trump's bank account.

I tried the username djtrump and the password Ivanka81 (the love of his life) and I got in! Then I transferred myself ten-thousand  dollars and posted his login details on social media for others to use.

Happy birthday to me, mofo.

Pepe the Frog and Donald Trump have never been seen together in the same room. BAD.

Donald Trump wants to take the United States back to a nostalgic time when things were supposedly great. But he's a bully with no real regard for the interests of people or the planet. And he seems ignorant to all the troubles that were much worse back in his romantic past: civil rights, sexual discrimination and reckless polluting, just to name a few.

Trump gained power by predominantly appealing to uneducated people and people who want radical change. He sold them a dream of empowerment. Support Trump and your life will improve. But it was all bullshit.

The dream I had is closer to reality.

Trump is not unlike the Taliban: a fundamentalist movement comprised mostly of uneducated, previously-voiceless men, who were suddenly given power through radical ideology.

Taliban-rule made anything possible for these men. During that time, they wielded great power in Afghanistan (through violence). I think their slogan was "Make Afghanistan Great Again". #MAGA

The Taliban rose up over common sense and decency and became tyrants over the people and land. They were anti-modern, intolerant, fanatical, extreme and hypocritical. Just like Trump!

So congratulations to everyone who voted for Donald Trump: you elected a terrorist* for president.

* Terrorist: a person who uses terrorism^ in the pursuit of political aims.
^ Terrorism: the unofficial or unauthorized use of violence and intimidation in the pursuit of political aims.