I was today years old when I systematically thought-of and fully realized the thingsand people I have lost over petty, shallow, and simply unreasonable reasons in this lifetime. Painful, but it is what it is.
Historically, there are these remnants of burnt bridges and decomposing olive branches, too many and too intense that making amends or undoing such acts will simply not work as the damage incurred are irreversible. I may over and over pull the Aquarius card and put the blame on this sign but it all really just boils down to this problematic and defective way on how I perceive things known as pride, paired with this pathetic talent I am not hugely proud of called disappearing act. I can instantly leave with a hard face, without a trace, sometimes in a cold feet. And I’m extra good at that.
Historically, there are these remnants of burnt bridges and decomposing olive branches, too many and too intense that making amends or undoing such acts will simply not work as the damage incurred are irreversible. I may over and over pull the Aquarius card and put the blame on this sign but it all really just boils down to this problematic and defective way on how I perceive things known as pride, paired with this pathetic talent I am not hugely proud of called disappearing act. I can instantly leave with a hard face, without a trace, sometimes in a cold feet. And I’m extra good at that.
The story happened towards the end of 2019 when I had this quick escape to this highly celebrated destination called Coron along with a mix of friends, plus friends of friends. I wasn’t part of the initial cast and plan but due to some lucky turnout of events that prompted favorable conditions with respect to my shitty job schedule I was able to squeeze in, scrub myself on, and found my way flying with the group heading to Busuanga on that fateful November morning. Everything were amazingly zooming out as each of those destinations were bursting with nature’s beauty – the heart-leg-testing Mt Tapyas, revitalizing Maquinit Hot Spring, and all those grandiose things the boat tour has offered under its good name, the food being the highlight.
However, amidst the seemingly perfect day, this trip almost caused me to lose people yet again as the virus (Coron strain, this time) fatally pulled one of its spellbinding tricks on me. Everything seemed to go smooth and fine, long enough, but not really long enough. Sometime along the tour while doing the kayakthing afloat and paddling through those crustal blue waters, an unnecessary misunderstanding sprouted causing me to lose grip of my cool and resorting to go on silent treatment spree after, my textbook old-school defense mechanism. It was all there is to do for me since I didn’t know how to react soundly and rightfully in all honesty. I was practically messed up that the littlest parts of my sanity were basically scattered all over the place, all over the wrong places.
However, amidst the seemingly perfect day, this trip almost caused me to lose people yet again as the virus (Coron strain, this time) fatally pulled one of its spellbinding tricks on me. Everything seemed to go smooth and fine, long enough, but not really long enough. Sometime along the tour while doing the kayakthing afloat and paddling through those crustal blue waters, an unnecessary misunderstanding sprouted causing me to lose grip of my cool and resorting to go on silent treatment spree after, my textbook old-school defense mechanism. It was all there is to do for me since I didn’t know how to react soundly and rightfully in all honesty. I was practically messed up that the littlest parts of my sanity were basically scattered all over the place, all over the wrong places.
But somehow part of growing up is knowing better, looking at the situation as a matured human, acknowledging the room's elephant, and in the process,Sdoing something about it. Its all about being the greater person, for whatever meaning it holds. There was the need to step down from the high horse, a move that well did all the wonders to barely avoid yet another disaster bound to happen. And all is well that ends well.
This is the exact thing about communication I always find very hard to learn and master through the years, def one my hardest truths. And I feel extremely bad about being this person who almost always chooses to ignore rather than engage, someone who pretends to be an island, which is essentially, no man is. Because at the end of the day this soul toughly hiding behind some pretentious hard shell, in fact, truly cares even if he say or act otherwise. Again, irritating Aquarius stuff.
Right now, I’m still working on this major personality kink that has been bugging me all these years and slapping me hard with this long list of losses that are forever reminders and hard evidences of my plain stupidity, cowardice, and insecurity. While it might be too late to tie some of those loose ends, rekindle those neglected flames, and rebuild those abandoned ships at this point in time, I still am trying to elect to salvage, protect, and fight for whatever that’s left, for what’s there in store, and for all it’s due.
This promise goes out for all of you people who are always there silently looking out for each other (& me), celebrating each other’s victories, and together drowning in sorrows during defeats when necessary, be it through simple pms or over cold bottles of beer.
This promise goes out for all of you people who are always there silently looking out for each other (& me), celebrating each other’s victories, and together drowning in sorrows during defeats when necessary, be it through simple pms or over cold bottles of beer.
& happy birthday to me then,
