Let’s start from the beginning of my end.
Honestly, lately I’ve been really struggling with my mental health. And I am not saying it for you to pity me, it’s just a fact. I’ve Stopped feeling happy in life, do things that I used to do everyday, stopped sleeping, eating propperly…I’ve stopped enjoying what life has to offer.
I am tired of having panic attacks everytime over a minor thing that stresses me out. I can’t Deal with the endless pressure on my chest because anxiety is overwhelming my body on the scariest level possible. I am constantly in mental pain over it because inside of me I know it is not normal, it is not a way that a life should be lived.
I am saying this to you because it is my only option, I guess. Not to be harsh or anything but nobody would understand propperly if I said it out loud. Not because people are not able to understand, but if they never experienced it, then they would not be able to have a propper conversation about those stuggles with me. And I don’t want to confuse them more than they might be.
I decided to stop telling people that I am depressed. Since people are people and they have their own life and own problems, I just can’t put my shit on their shoulders and expect them to carry it all with them. That is just selfish and I should have realized that ages ago. It is simply not fair from me to want them to deal with it when I don’t even know how to deal with it on my own.
The one thing that maybe bothers me the most is that I’ve stopped doing things that make me feel alive.
I’ve stopped writing.
Drawing (even though I was not that good but I enjoyed it in my free time)
The only thing that I do nowadays is just listening to sad music and not doing anything progressive. I feel like there is this big hole inside of me that I don’t know how to fix. Simply said- there is something missing. And I know that it might be the purpose of life itself.
What is worse, I don’t know if I will ever be able to find it. At least I’ve been thinking about that lately.
I am 22 now and I still do not know what I want to do in life because I don’t feel like I am “excelling” at anything, that I am not good enough to proceed a carrier in anything that might fulfill me. I am just wandering around without any obtainable destination. I don’t know where I want to go because I have no energy to even think about it.
Sometimes I am asking myself if I should reach out to some guidance but from my past attempts I know that there is nobody who should fix you, be your hero- because you have to be your own hero at the end of the day. And that will never change.
So I am just blindly going in circles and really really struggling with my own sanity and thoughts that I are most of the times able to mentally kill me for the majority of the day. Sometimes I get so sad out of the sudden because I read a quote I can relate to or see a picture that remind me certain stuff…as a result- I am emotionally unstable as hell. And the worst part? I realize that on every single level.
Do you think that the oblivious state or mind would be better in this case? Or is it better to be aware?
Anyway, this was a little venting session that I just needed because I don’t feel like talking about it to people without destroying them entirely. I just can’t do that anymore. I am sorry.
I had to get it out and I might focus on the various things I mentioned in greater detail later on.
This post first appeared on WEEK 3- Embarrassed In Gallery Of Abstract Art, Saturday Treat And First Goodbyes (Summer Experience, please read the originial post: here