Sometimes the toughest opponent is the one you don’t play. Damn, I’m deep.

Every Nebraska fan knows that the Huskers overlook no opponent. This week’s adversary is no different. Overlooked by many, The Bye Week can muck up the best laid plans of every Coach who hopes to keep a good run going despite a break in the action or reboot a rough start and turn things around.

THE BYE WEEK

CORN NATION: So as the Bye Week, you guys must be better prepared for one than any other team out there?

THE BYE WEEK: Are You shitting me??? Nobody is busier during a bye week than us! Our opponents are having lighter workouts, some no pads practices, lots of time with tape rundowns, whirlpools, physical therapy, that extra week off. You know how many matchups The Bye Week has on a weekly basis?? LIKE 10-15!!!

What would you do if you saw your name next to 15 teams on the schedule for a single weekend?? Yeah, I know there’s Thursday night games, that Friday Lights garbage, Saturday games going from 9am Pacific to 2am Eastern. But still, do you want to try dealing with a full season’s schedule over three days. I don’t THINK so!

CN: So what is your typical opponent trying to accomplish when it’s their turn to face The Bye Week?

TBW: These jackhammers!! Give me a break. They want to take it easy, let guys heal up and fine tune some things while at the same time, they want everyone to stay focused, maintain momentum and come out of this at full strength firing on all cylinders.

Good luck, sir! We’ve been doing this for years. Watching you flail about in this conundrum is like watching Daniel-San try to fine tune waxing on and waxing off while the Cobra Kai axe kick unsuspecting weaklings and show no mercy, sir. It’s child’s play.

CN: Didn’t Daniel Larusso basically whip all the Cobra Kai’s asses?

TBW: (pause)

TBW: Oh shut up.

CN: Moving on then…

CN: So as The Bye Week, how do you want things to play out each week?

TBW: We live for chaos. We want your best laid plans to explode like the toilets every spring at Faber College.

We want your squad to hit the field that next week looking like the college football equivalent of Bill Murray’s platoon in Stripes as they thunder down the confidence course making Waterboy noises as John Candy crashes through trees whilst Captain Stillman looks on in horror.

We want to see your coach at the post-game presser with that slack-jawed post-Texas Rose Bowl Pete Carroll face.

We want your fans filling the gutters with vomit as they try to drink away the horrors they just witnessed.

After facing the Bye Week, we want you to take on the countenance of the damned as you realize a month off won’t solve what ails you.

CN: Jesus Christ.

TBW: Bank on it, dickweed.

CN: So this Saturday, one of your opponents is the Nebraska Cornhuskers. This is obviously a team on the downturn who is trying to get healthy, stop their slide and see if they can figure out an offensive identity and restore some confidence to a battered defense. How will you combat that?

TBW: Good lord, man, this is almost cruel. They’re 3-4 with the prospects of a winning season pretty much blown to hell. They looked like a 1-AA team vs. Ohio St. They’re going to be an underdog against freaking Purdue. Jesus, the only positive light coming out of that town is from people playing Who Will Our New Coach Be? Well, that and booze.

It’s almost cruel to pile on…but what the hell. Like Captain Insano, The Bye Week knows no mercy. Nebraska may command about the same respect as Charlie Baileygates, but I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t use all of my non-existent powers to stifle any attempts to turn things around.

(Writers note: if you’ve seen Me, Myself & Irene, then I guess Urban Meyer is the equivalent of the neighbor who steals Charlie’s paper and brings his dog into Charlie’s yard to shit. I really want Nebraska to go full Hank on his ass someday soon. Really a whole bunch of a lot. If you haven’t seen Me, Myself & Irene, watch it during The Bye Week. That joke will make sense AND you’ll thank me for recommending this Jim Carrey gem.)

Anyway, my strategy for the Huskers – foment discontent among the fan base to keep players & coaches on edge. False coaching rumors are a must. Deter healing. Keep moods low. Allow no positive vibes to develop. Keep depression and dissension alive. Methods to make that happen:

1) Troll a bunch of social media accounts as people on the inside who KNOW Mike Riley is coming back for one more season.

2) Convince Sipple I’m a prominent booster who will confirm that Scott Frost has been eliminated from contention as our next coach and let him run with that nugget. (Sunday publish)

3) Use my special whammy to see to it that none of the nagging injuries actually heal.

4) The flu or food poisoning on the training table seem like overkill. I’ll just give Tanner Lee a nagging cough that makes beat writers wonder aloud if he smokes.

5) Interfere with the coaching staff in no way, shape or form. (Why mess with imperfection?)

If all that goes as planned, my work will be done and it will all be in the hands of Purdue.

CN: You sick bastard. Haven’t we been through enough????

TBW: I’m going easy on you. My god, Bielema’s all but wearing a “Have BWW Gift Card, Will Travel” sandwich board on the sidelines. While eating a sandwich. You want me to whisper in Bert’s ear that the NU regents don’t want to let him get away twice??

CN: Point taken.

TBW: Or maybe you’d prefer a certain other Florida coach desperate for a return to the Power 5 with a Husker connection to be at the heart of a hot coaching rumor?????

CN: You wouldn’t!

TBW: Lane Kiffin would look FANTASTIC in a red cap with Monte at his side.

LANE KIFFIN: Dude - I look fantastic in ANYTHING, but this gorgeous head of hair will never be covered by anything more than a visor. And since the sun just doesn’t shine the same on the plains, I will require a top of the line tanning bed. If we have a deal, the Lane Train is ready to roll into Lincoln tomorrow. Everyone aboard now, seats will be going fast, bro’.

CN: Of for shit’s sake, look what you’ve started. This interview is done.

TBW: Do you doubt my powers any longer? DO YOU, MORTAL??

CN: Did you know your initials are Urban Dic for Thick Beautiful Woman?

TBW: Oh, why don’t you just f-

(Battery fail on recorder. End of interview.)