LITTLE TREES, BUT NOT HAPPY ONES

In a recent interview with The Columbus Dispatch, former Ohio State head coach Urban Meyer discussed his (semi-voluntary) retirement from the Buckeyes, and his feelings on leaving coaching behind. Though he acknowledges that the desire to coach will never leave him, “I think I’m done”, the three-time national champion stated.

Meyer’s final season at the helm in Columbus was dogged by concerns about his oversight of his coaching staff — earning him a suspension at the beginning of the season (wherein the team actually seemed to play better under then-interim, now-full-time head coach Ryan Day) — and by the persistent health issues that have affected the coach as far back as his time with the Florida Gators. That hasn’t quelled speculation that he might seek another job, though — whether it’s attempting to revive the USC Trojans, waiting out Brian Kelly’s tenure at Notre Dame, or even returning to his alma mater at Cincinnati.

We see Urban taking over a different classic program, though.

With his unique set of personal assets — a monomaniacal sense of focus and obsession with details, an ability to step into brand-name programs without fear of the shadows of the legends who preceded him — and his need to just chill out and relax and stick to broadcasting — we’ve got just the thing.

[sighs] the offseason gets longer every year doesn’t it

[FADE IN]

MEYER: Hi, I’m Urban Meyer, and welcome to The Joy of Painting. When Netflix approached me about rebooting this show, I was a bit skeptical — I’m a football coach, not an artist — but my doctors thought it might be a good way to manage my stress levels, and Netflix wrote some very compelling checks. So, today, we’re going to be painting a nice little river scene. First, let’s look at our color palette.

We’ve got some Cadmium Yellow, Dark Sienna, some Midnight Black, Prussian Blue, Titanium White, Alizarin Crimson—

[fifteen second pause as he just stares at the Crimson, growing visibly angry]

[hurls it off screen]

Red. Just regular red. And Van Dyke Brown.

Now, we’ve got a canvas we’ve already prepared to start on, it’s covered in a black gesso and sealed with a clear coat — this’ll make it easier for us to paint over. I’ve found that if you lay down a base layer of darkness, everything you do on top of that will really pop. It’s true in painting, and it’s also true in football. That’s why I hired Greg Schiano as an assistant coach.

Okay, so, this is where Bob Ross would’ve just started painting the hills in the background, but first I want to lay out the principles we’re going to base this river on.

[pulls out chart]

You’ve got to understand which of your paintbrushes are in the Success Zone, and which are below the Vector of Perspicacity. If we look back at the Ten Metrics of the Pathway to Performance, you’ll understand that—

[fast-forwarding through]

— as Steve Jobs once said, the —

[fast-forwarding through]

— spent a week with the Navy SEALs, discussing the difference between winning and being a winner —

[fast-forwarding through]

— and now you’re ready to begin painting.

My producers tell me that we’ve actually spent two hours of filming time, so we’re going to jump ahead onto this canvas where they’ve already painted the hills and the river while I was reviewing the Parabola of Perseverance. Now we’re going to add in [squinting at cue card] [grows visibly angry]

[turning to address producer off camera] I don’t see what’s happy about trees at all. That’s prizing individual contentment over group success, and that’s the kind of attitude that we talked about when reviewing the Pyramid of Permanent Prosperi — NO YOU LISTEN TO ME — NO, I [hurls headset, storms off camera]

[rough scene cut]

Okay, we’re back, just a little bit of technical difficulties there, and now we’re going to paint a Forest of Champions. The trees are all working together toward a shared vision and common goal, and their happiness will come from the group achieving its objectives together. [glares at someone off camera]

First, we’re just going to take a narrow brush, and make a stroke of Vandyke Brown. See, that looks great. Now we’ll do another. Terrific. They’re looking good, they’re working together. Another one. Beautiful. This forest is looking great. We’ve found something that consistently works for us, and it’s bringing us results. There’s another tree. Really doing wonderfully here, we’re on track for a forest everyone can be happy with. Now, we just need to complete one more tree.

[pauses, thoughtfully] Yep, the Vandyke Brown’s been working well here. No reason not to stick with what works, whether it’s in painting or in football.

[pauses again, looks at yellow paint]

[sloshes entire jar on canvas]

Huh.

[rips mic off, wanders out of shot, still audible]

I gave Zeke the ball eleven times against Michigan State.