SOMEONE WOKE UP THE HIVE

DONATE TO THE EDSBS CHARITY BOWL HERE IN THE FORM OF A WIN OVER A RIVAL OR SIGNIFICANT NUMBER FOR YOUR TEAM. EMBARRASS YOUR FOES. SUPPORT A GREAT CAUSE. MAKE US FIGURE OUT WHAT THE HELL IT MEANS LIKE SOME KIND OF OVERLY COMPLICATED VANITY PLATE. WHATEVER YOU DO: GIVE.

Day two of the 2019 EDSBS Charity Bowl has dawned. In the east, there is a glorious sunrise accompanied by a furious and undeniable buzzing.

That’s just the list of donors over $500.00 after one day. And way, way up at the top is a stunning leader: Georgia Tech, outvolleying the vaunted Michigan Money Cannon over the first 24 hours by a shocking margin.

Did some insanely generous and possibly also insane person give $5,148 all by themselves in the name of the Yellow Jackets? Yes. Did this person also give the monetized score of the 1999 51-48 Tech win over Georgia, arguably the craziest in the series, reminding everyone that Georgia went for touchdown instead of a game-winning field goal with mere seconds left on the clock?

Was Jasper Sanks down when this happened?

Because a Georgia Tech alum just dropped over five grand by themselves in our charity drive, the answer is “Yes, he fumbled, it’s obvious and clear. Why no, I didn’t know the SEC officiating crew that made this call had one guy who thought he was down, and was also suspended the next week for their poor work in this game? Shame about that, really just a pity along with the eventual loss in OT to a hated, cheating nerd rival like Tech, eh?”

We will do a full update tomorrow. For now, please accept the following updates on rivalries in progress.

Clean Old Fashioned Hate: The massive Tech swarm on day one shouldn’t make anyone overlook a healthy $632 chipped in by the Dawgs. It’s not, yanno, eight grand, but it’s a very good start for a team that historically hasn’t shown up like some of their more math-friendly neighbors. It’s Masters Week and they’re all distracted, but we have hope.

Michigan/Ohio State: Reverse the pattern of the modern-day Michigan/Ohio State rivalry and you get how things usually work out here for the Buckeyes. The Wolverines are crushing Ohio State so far, but there’s hope: The Buckeyes have contributed over a grand so far, which is by far their best performance to date on day one, and one of their best ever. You want us to get that barbed wire armband tat, bruh. You need it.

Iron Bowl: 716-168 in favor of Alabama, but overall very strong debuts from both. (Also Auburn is known for second half comebacks. Heyyyyyyyyyy, Cam.)

Texas/Texas A&M: Oh sorry, we’re only doing rivalries, and as y’all tell us this isn’t one, and you never think about each other, and definitely don’t spend your days dreaming of riding the range together on glorious horses in the feathery glowing sunlight of a Hill Country sunset. Texas is destroying Texas A&M, who is not their rival, by a score of $750 to $160. Does Jimbo have all your money, Aggies? This is a serious question.

Apple Cup: Washington State, for once, is leading this by a wide margin, tallying $500 to Washington’s $232. Let’s just assume a Wazzu lead is safe! Which never goes wrong!

Kansas State vs Everyone: A blowout against everyone except Michigan and Georgia Tech, oddly enough. Y’all are feeling froggy up there with a new coach, and we appreciate and are grateful for that.

Today’s donation from us honors Florida’s first and possibly only win ever over Michigan.

This is clearly poking a beast that does not need poking on our part. Then again, if we didn’t stick our fingers in the eyes of animals capable of ripping our face off, would we even be able to claim even marginal Florida Man status? This isn’t a taunt. It is a right of citizenship, inalienable as a Michigan Man’s right to correct with citations and attached PDFs.

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