UNBLOCK ME YOU COWARD

FIRST THINGS FIRST: The EDSBS Charity Bowl continues apace. DONATE. Some suggested amounts:

• $48.48 - the record of Cincinnati football in 2016 and 2017, thanks to the coaching of, and fallow fields left by, Tommy Tuberville, respectively.
• $20.16 - the year that Tommy Tuberville was fired after going 4-8 in Cincinnati
• $11.02 - the number of wins and losses this year by Cincinnati, coached by someone other than Tommy Tuberville
• $20.20 - the year Tommy Tuberville will not be elected to the United States Senate

now then, on to the content.

As you may have seen this weekend, current TV commentator and former Ole Miss/Auburn/Texas Tech/Cincinnati head coach Tommy Tuberville announced that he’ll be pursuing the Republican nomination for Alabama’s Senate seat in 2020. Tuberville has flirted with politics in the past, having briefly considered a run for Alabama’s governorship in 2018. With incumbent Senator Doug Jones — a Democrat who narrowly snuck through over a wildly controversial Republican nominee in a 2017 special election — facing a difficult re-election campaign in deep-red Alabama, surely Tuberville sees an opportunity here.

And there’s nothing Tommy Tuberville loves more than an opportunity.

Now, you might be thinking — hey, aren’t you a Cincinnati fan? Aren’t you probably a little biased against Tommy Tuberville, seeing as how — in the eyes of some, at least — he took the Cincinnati job as a semi-retirement program, fleecing the school so he could cash checks and live close to his wife’s family, neglecting recruiting and staffing to the severe detriment of a program that was among the winningest programs in FBS over the previous decade, ultimately culminating in back-to-back 4-8 seasons (the first of which was under his watch, the second as new coach Luke Fickell cleaned up his mess)?

People are saying these things, not me, mind you, but many people.

Now, listen, I could believe that. I could believe that Tommy Tuberville’s career is defined both by a successful run at Auburn and also by a career-long pattern of screwing people over, constantly angling for the next gig while neglecting the current one.

But I’m not one to hold grudges. And I’m also an experienced political consultant who’d be happy to assist Tommy in his race for the right price. So I’m going to demonstrate that I can support Tommy and his campaign by offering up some samples for free — Tommy, you can use any of these slogans. There’s more where these came from.

Tuberville for Alabama Senate: Because This Is The Only Place I’ve Ever Made It Six Years

Tommy 2020: Send Me Out Of Here In A Ballot Box

Tuberville For America: I Respect The Troops, Which Is Why I’m 0-1 In The Military Bowl

TUBERVILLE: The Senate Only Works 138 Days A Year, I Think I Can Manage That

TUB4ALSEN: Y’all Don’t Want Me Taking Malzahn’s Job, Do You? Let’s Work Something Out

Tommy for Alabama: Clearly I Am Not Beholden To Anyone In Any Other State

Tuberville 2020: I’ve Replaced A Guy Named Jones Before

Drain The Swamp: No, But Really, Do You Think Mullen’s Going To Stay At Florida? If He Doesn’t, Let Me Know

Tommy For Senate: I Claimed To Run The Air Raid At Texas Tech, So I’m Good At Paying Lip Service To Popular Policies That I Will Not Move Forward

That one’s a little wordy. Still workshopping it.

Tuberville For Bama: Look At Texas Tech, You Might Get A Really Handsome Guy To Replace Me

Tommy Tuberville: You Might Be Worried That I’ll Just Surrender To Trump’s Agenda, But I Coached In Cincinnati For Four Years And There Are No Google Image Results Of Me Eating Skyline Chili, So There’s At Least One Example Of Me Standing Up To Crazy People’s Gross Bullshit

This is not where I was going with this one when I ran the search, but, I’ll give you this one, Tommy.

Tommy 2020: It’s Time For Us As A Country To Move Beyond The Scars of 2016, And By That I Mean The Time My Team Only Scored Nine Points Against Freaking Connecticut

Again, wordy, but also - true? Nine points against Connecticut. There were teams that did that in single possessions last year.

TUBBS: [just this GIF on a sign]

Honestly that one’s actually kinda good.

Tommy For Senate: I Have A Plan For The Economy

Tuberville For Alabama: Afraid of Senators Like Sherrod Brown? I Have Experience Blocking Guys From Ohio

TT2020: Unlike The Last Guy Who Ran For This Job, The Only Way I’ll Screw Kids Is By Leaving Them In The Middle Of Dinner