WE TAKE YOU INSIDE THE SIGHTS AND SOUNDS OF NOTRE DAME-DUKE, A GAME THAT [FLIPS THROUGH SCORES] WELL, SOMEONE WON, I'M SURE

Here at Every Day Should Be Saturday, we try to bring you as close as we can to the feel of a fall Saturday, right on the field with the players and coaches that make this sport run. NrTo enhance this experience, we wanted to place a microphone on Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly for Saturday's clash against Duke.

Notre Dame wouldn't return our calls, though. It's still hard for web media outlets to get access.

So, we paired up with a traditional media partner, the USA Network, who offered the services of their Team That Normally Airs Action Movies Edited For Midday Rebroadcast, and we got their mic on Coach Kelly.

Here now, the sights and sounds of Saturday in South Bend...

"What's the call here, Coach?"

"Gonna throw your worthless [BROADBAND] piece of [SHIP'S MAST] under the [MUCKING] bus tomorrow if anything goes wrong, Brian, that's the call."

"Yeah, I heard you. Did you hear me? I said I'm going to stick my [PANDA EXPRESS] up to the elbow if I see another [CHICKENMITTS] series like that, you spineless [LONG-HAUL TRUCKER]

"I will tear your [HOT MAN] head off, you [SUNDAY-SCHOOL TEACH]"

"If these punk[HATS!] kids think I'm taking the fall for this, they've got another [ROAST LAMB] thing coming, you can [DUCK KING] believe that."

"{WHY AM I WEARING A DIFFERENT SHIRT IN THIS PHOTO? THIS IS JUST LAZY GOOGLE-IMAGE SEARCHING.]"

"... and tell your wife I said [AUDIO OF AN EPISODE OF WINGS PLAYS FOR THE NEXT 15 MINUTES] next time I'm over there."

"I think there's going to be a lot of re-evaluation of where our team is at going forward, we're going to look at every position, I'm not satisfied with our level of effort or production right now."

REPORTER: "Coach, can you talk about-"

KELLY: "I don't know, can you [MISS MY CATS]?"

"Gonna run out of people to blame pretty soon, you red-faced [COURSES PASSED]"

"Cram it, David."