By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

Criminals across the nation breathed a sigh of relief as Shaquille O’Neal’s agent Perry Rogers announced a new 5 year, $100 million contract yesterday with the Miami Heat (article here).

O’Neal, who was recently sworn in as a US Deputy Marshal, has professed repeatedly his desire to become involved in law enforcement after retiring from basketball (article here). Thanks to his new contract, however, O’Neal’s second career will have to wait a few more years.

Criminals all over the country were overjoyed at the news. A drug dealer on Chicago’s south side who only gave his nickname, “Ice”, was relieved that undercover Shaq would not bust up his operation any time soon. “Shaq has true street smarts and is a master of disguise”, explained Ice. “If Shaq came up to me undercover I’d just assume he was another, random 7 foot 1, 325 pound guy.”

O’Neal issued a warning to all criminals out there not to celebrate too soon. “With my recent history of injuries”, said O’Neal, “I will be back on the streets catching criminals in no time.”


Officer Shaq lays down the law