By: SouthsideBrawlers
SportParody Staff Writer

After the 2005 White Sox monumental achievement of becoming the first Chicago team to reach a World Series since the 1959 season, the Tribune Company is striking back with its local competition. In fear of losing bandwagon fans that no nothing about baseball to the White Sox, the corporation that owns the Cubs has devised a plan to keep Chicago’s beer garden (otherwise known as Wrigley Field) flowing for years to come. Beginning Saturday night, the Cubs plan to host game 1 of the first ever pretend Word Series.

The main participants in the series will be Kerry Wood and Mark Prior. They will reportedly be competing against the speed gun, trying to top 90 mph for 100 consecutive pitches. If both pitchers do so, baseball commissioner Bud Selig has agreed to deliver cubic zirconium rings, which will be handed out to each Cub player during the 2006 home opener.

Cubs manager Dusty Baker thinks his team has a great chance to win. “I think my team has all the talent, heart, and experience to win it all. Both pitchers have gimpy arms, are pussy enough to take themselves out of games in which others would have played through the pain, and have pitched in more simulated games than any pitcher in baseball.”

Cubs GM Jim Hendry thinks that the move by the Tribune Company is a brilliant idea. “The White Sox are getting way too much attention right now. Since there is no way we will ever make the World Series, we might as well pretend we are in one. Besides, our fans generally don’t pay much attention to the game on the field, so to them it will be like we are really participating in the Fall Classic.”

While it may seem strange that fans would actually attend such an odd event, SportParody staff writer Eric T, who has a ticket to game 1 of the simulated World Series, explains that this is actually better than going to a real baseball game. “The thing about going to a real game, is that the game on the field can be a distraction to what we are really there to do: look at the ivy, drink, look at hot chicks, drink, look at hot chicks, drink... Did I mention that there are a ton of hot chicks that go to Wrigley Field?"

When asked to be more specific, Eric T gave a personal example. "One time when I was sitting in the bleachers, I was busy hitting on this one girl. All of a sudden I heard a loud noise, which sounded like a crack of the bat. Just as I turned to look at the field, I felt a sharp pain... of the baseball nailing me on top of my head. There were a couple of fans telling me to throw the baseball back on to the field. But I was in no mood. After the ball bounced off my head, which was bad enough, it knocked over my beer. I had never been so pissed off in my life. Since there will be no hitters at this upcoming game, I won’t have to worry about that ever happening again.”

After the announcement was made, Cub fans around Wrigleyville were partying harder than their South Side counterparts had after game 5 of the ALCS. While he admits that it was just another excuse to get wasted, SportParody editor and Cub fan, REALSPORTS, said that he had the best night of his life. “Any true Cub fan doesn’t give a shit whether we win or lose. That is why it doesn’t matter that this World Series is going to be fake. If it were real, it would just be an excuse to party. How is that different from what we are doing now? That is what is great about being a fan of the loveable losers. When you lose, you really win.”


Wrigley Field: Home to hot women and a bad baseball team